5 rules for dealing with adults. The main problems in the relationship between elderly parents and adult children - solutions

Being an adult is hard, but all the effort always pays off. It is impossible to live irresponsibly all your life, and from a certain age there is a need to think about yourself independently, take responsibility for your life, and strive for the best for yourself and your family. Everyone understands different things by the phrase “adult,” but in fact, to become an adult, a person must develop the qualities of a responsible person in both professional and personal life.

Steps

How to develop the qualities of an adult

Try to be a rational person. In youth it is acceptable to act recklessly or selfishly, but as an adult one must think more about one's actions and act rationally.

• To think rationally, you need to learn to separate thoughts from feelings.
• A rational person controls his emotions and bases his actions on thoughts rather than feelings.
• When a rational person makes decisions, he takes into account the interests of others and moral aspects.
• To become a more rational person, try to give yourself a break when you are struggling with your emotions. Make a decision later, when you calm down and can think soberly.
• Whenever you limit your impulses to thoughts or moral or ethical considerations, you are acting rationally. Gradually, it will become easier for you to make rational decisions.

1. Strive for meaningful, harmonious relationships. To become an adult, you should focus on building relationships with others. All your connections (friendships, family, romantic) should be meaningful, harmonious and useful for all participants. This will require some effort, but this is the only way you will feel calm, just like the people around you.

   • Strive for interactions where all participants behave as independent individuals.
   • Be prepared to make a compromise that suits everyone.
   • In any mature relationship, there is both giving and taking. It is important that the needs of all people are met.
   • In harmonious relationships, people give and receive love unconditionally. Your love should not depend on certain conditions or expectations.

2. Put your needs before your wants. Many people find it difficult to give up things they want and do what they should do. It's okay to spend money on entertainment if you have a spare, but you need to think about the basic needs first.

   Manage your life yourself. One of the key tasks of an adult is to manage his life independently. In childhood and adolescence, your parents and other relatives may help you, but in adulthood you need to learn to think about everything yourself.

   • If you are unhappy with any aspect of your life (or are told by others that there is a problem), be prepared to do something about it.
   • An adult is able to take responsibility for his life and change what does not allow him to enjoy life.
   • Seek help when needed, but remember that you must be able to provide for yourself and live independently.
   • Remember that only you can change your life. Circumstances may limit your ability to make changes, but you must know that you have the strength to adapt to circumstances and grow despite what happens.
   • Start setting goals for yourself and working towards them. Be an independent person, take responsibility for your actions and inactions.

   How to develop the qualities of an adult

   1. Be independent. Independence is a consequence of the ability to manage your life. You must be able to provide for yourself and take care of yourself in all areas. This includes self-care, keeping a tidy home, being punctual at work, being productive, and managing money.

      • Independence can take different forms at different ages. The most important thing is to be independent according to your age.
      • Independence may come with age-appropriate responsibilities. As you get older, your responsibilities may change and you will need to do what is expected of you.
      • A teenager has a different level of independence compared to someone in their twenties or thirties, and it is certainly different from the independence of someone who is 50 or 60 years old.
      • Analyze the behavior of your peers, pay attention to what they do to be independent, and take an example from them.
      • If you're having trouble achieving independence, work with a mental health coach or career counselor. Look for specialists on the Internet.

   2. Think about your goals and go towards them. An adult needs goals. Goals give life meaning and keep you moving forward. When a person achieves a goal, he has a reason to be proud of himself. Setting goals and working to achieve them requires prioritization, both in your personal and professional life. If you need to set a goal for yourself, use the S.M.A.R.T. The effectiveness of this technique has been scientifically proven. In accordance with the S.M.A.R.T. methodology, the goal should be::

      • S - Specific, that is, specific. Narrow your goal. It is better to set yourself not global goals with a streamlined formulation, but specific goals with a clear result.
      • M - Measurable, that is, measurable. Decide how you will measure success, both now and in the future. You must understand what will allow you to determine that the goal has been achieved and also monitor progress.
      • A - Attainable, that is, achievable. The goal should not be impossible. It’s worth striving for big things, but it’s more important to work within your capabilities and think through a strategy for the future.
      • R - Realistic, that is, significant. Think about whether you are ready and want to reach your goal. Of course, you need to push yourself forward all the time, but the goal should not be ephemeral.
      • T - Time-bound, that is, limited in time. Set a deadline for achieving the goal. You should have enough time to prepare. However, you should not extend the deadlines indefinitely.

   3. Strive for integrity of your personality and honesty. An adult must be able to tell the truth and have moral principles. This approach can be interpreted differently depending on the situation, but overall you should be proud of your decisions and what you do with your life.

   4. Take responsibility for your life. Anything that helps you become an adult helps you manage your life. Taking responsibility means not passing the buck to others when something goes wrong, and not abdicating responsibilities. A responsible adult is ready to take responsibility for all his decisions.

      • Responsibility involves many factors that depend on age and life situation.
      • A responsible attitude towards life remains with a person forever. It involves reacting to situations and circumstances, as well as a willingness to deal with any outcome.
      • Taking a responsible approach to life means thinking through all the little things, making decisions and being ready to take responsibility for the outcome of decisions, both positive and negative.
      • If you plan ahead and take into account possible problems, it will be easier for you to manage the situation in the future.
      • Remember that being responsible for your life also means being able to enjoy your successes. Don't brag or be arrogant, but at the same time be able to recognize your achievements.

   How to be a responsible employee

   1. Know how to manage your time. If you want to succeed at work, learn to manage your time. This means you may have to put off things you want to do in order to get your work done. You may also need to deliver projects on time, which means you'll need to keep track of time and deadlines.

      • Be punctual. Always show up to work on time (or even a little early) and stay until you finish everything.
      • Try to get as much done as possible every day. If a deadline is approaching on an important project, take the time to get everything done on time.
      • Keep track of deadlines using a calendar or planner.
      • Try to plan your day either the day before or in the morning. This way you can start the day knowing what you have to do.
      • If you find yourself procrastinating, remind yourself that things won't do themselves. Putting something off until later will make it harder for you to finish it.
      • Take care of one thing at a time. Keep a to-do list in your head, but focus on just one task at a time to be as productive as possible.
   2. It is important to have ambitions not only in your professional life, but also in your personal life. Try to be the best version of yourself, both in work and in your personal life.
   3. Don't come to work wanting to just get a bunch of things done. Strive to do more to show management that you are ready for more responsibility.
   4. Ambition and a mature approach to work may allow you to achieve promotion and salary growth.

3. Pay attention to detail. Paying attention to detail will allow you to get more done in less time. If you work carelessly, both you and your colleagues will have to redo a lot. Take your time and don't try to finish the job as quickly as possible - do it well.

   • It's important to be proud of your work. Don't go home until you've done everything you have to do.
   • Not a single detail should escape your attention. If a colleague missed something in his work, help him finish the work or show him what needs to be done.
   • Try to treat the little things like cleaning a cafe. First you need to wipe down the tables and then sweep the floor. You can only wash the floor at the very end.
   • Before moving on to the next task or going home, complete the current one.

4. Demonstrate leadership qualities. If you are a responsible employee, your management will notice your efforts. Over time, when the opportunity arises, you may be promoted. If you take responsibility for your work results, go above and beyond what is expected of you, and collaborate with your colleagues for the common good, your management will understand that you can be a leader.

   • To be a leader, you need to be able to complete your work on time and take responsibility for your actions.
   • Remember that a leader is responsible not only for his own actions, but also for the actions of his subordinates.
   • A leader must be confident and think about others. If you can delegate responsibilities, but also show a genuine interest in the problems of your colleagues, you can make a good leader.

Current page: 1 (book has 7 pages in total) [available reading passage: 2 pages]

Elena Tararina
Hear your parents. How can adult children communicate with adult parents?

Cover: Fadeya Kolesnika

@ Elena Tararina, 2015

@ "Astamir-V", 2015

@ Igor Nevzglyad

THE MAIN METAPHOR OF MY NEW BOOK: “OUR PARENTS ARE LIGHTHOUSES IN THE SEA.”

We are ships in the dark. But by seeing the Lighthouse, using its light, we are able to understand and see what is actually happening on the deck of our ship, who is at the helm, what the ship looks like, whether it needs repairs, and most importantly, we can determine OUR WAY and avoid the reefs ...

Elena Tararna

Elena Tararina

“Everything is fair in life”

Alexey Prosekin and Marina Khmelovskaya

E. Tararina

Gratitude

The most inspiring people in my life are my family: mom, dad, brother, husband, godmother, son and all members of my family. You are the support and the core. I'm grateful!

This book is important for me personally also because I myself for a long time had a far from warm, trusting and interesting relationship with her parents. I considered myself an unloved child. And I always had a fear: how could I help people as a psychologist if I myself didn’t really see this love. And then everything changed...

My students and I went to work as a volunteer at an orphanage. And what Michael Roach calls “the seeds sprouted” happened. I began to give to the children what it seemed to me that I myself did not receive in my family - love, care and sincerity. It took me about a year to, by devoting my time and heart to children, to grow in my soul an UNDERSTANDING of parental love.

With the acquisition of this UNDERSTANDING, my attitude towards me is, and how VALUABLE it is, even if it is not exactly what I expected from them. And when I became a mother myself, I realized what my parents had to go through while raising me... Everything finally fell into place. I am immensely grateful to you, dear mom and dad! I admire you!

Quotes used in the book famous people modernity, who belong to completely different professions. These quotes were created specifically for this book by the authors. I express my deep gratitude to all my colleagues who supported this book, understanding its meaning and the value of family in our modern society. I believe that the book will REVIVE many relationships and INSPIRE readers to CREATE.

Preface

How to communicate with your parents when you are over twenty-five?

How to communicate with your children when they are over twenty-five?

Tough questions! But we will search together and definitely find the answers! And THIS book will help us in our search, because it:

♦ about finding peace of mind;

♦ about such INNER SUPPORTS, allowing yourself and realizing which, you will forever find peace;

♦ this book is about education, about understanding the value of experience, about gratitude to your family.

A book is a kind of semantic constructor that is created so that each person can assemble his own puzzle for himself and nourish his “inner child.”

This book is based on questions from people who attended my programs, took part in social surveys on the topic of the complexities of parent-child relationships and my answers to them.

Perhaps there are books, after reading which, the pain of the past disappears on its own and relief and lightness come. This book is not like that. Even after reading it, living it with your soul, you will still have to take specific actions, because actions are one of the main components of a relationship. And I am sure that after carefully reading this book, you will have the understanding, strength and faith to choose the right actions and live in peace with yourself and your family.

By finding answers to the difficult questions of relationships between adult children and adult parents, you will have the OPPORTUNITY to heal “long-sore wounds” and let go of long-standing grievances. It's important to take advantage of it!

The power of the family is one of the most powerful sources of energy for a person, so let's learn to use this energy and direct it for our own benefit.

It's time to MEET YOUR PARENTS AGAIN...

E. Tararina.

Chapter 1
Moms

1. Question: “When you live together with your mother, when you already have your own family, who is the mistress? Could there be two of them?

Answer.

There may be two of them. But then – these are no longer housewives)). The hostess is the one who makes decisions, sets rules and is responsible, and two people cannot perform these functions at the same time. Several rules from different people make it impossible to “play the game.” Coalitions, factions, and gossip are formed.

What is more important for you – to devote years of your life to finding a compromise or to accept the rules of the housewife’s game (in this case, the housewife is the mother)? Usually guests adapt to the rules of the hosts. We are guests in our parents' families, no matter how old we are.

The need to live according to someone else's rules is one of the most powerful motivators for many grown-up children to separate as soon as possible (including in the matter of living) and become independent. If you still live with your parents, then this problem is not vitally important, it means it DOESN’T CONCERN you very much.

2. Question:“I’m eighteen years old, and my mother keeps saying: “We stutter,”"U We are a difficult boss." How to separate yourself from your mother’s “we”?

Answer.

Unfortunately, parents also sometimes experience codependency with their children. In terms developmental psychology, the concept of “we” in a healthy relationship ends with the completion of breastfeeding (no later than 3 years). After this age there is already “I am a mother” and “my child”. When parents “stick” to their children, the formula “I gave him my whole life” is activated on the mother’s side, and “I’m a loser” on the child’s side. Both suffer. First What needs to be done is to admit that this is not love for a child. This is self-destructive selfishness.

Second. Start trusting each other, give up total control.

Third. Find useful hobbies, they will help you gain strength in order to fully overcome codependency. There is a saying - “A plane lands only at a prepared airport” - perhaps there is still uncertainty and lack of independence in your behavior, and your mother, who only wants the best, shows her love and care in this way.

Your adult child himself must hit the bumps in life, get his own life experience, with all the pros and cons, understand life’s meanings and values ​​and become an individual in in every sense this word. There is no point in imposing your own life experience, since it may not be suitable or effective for your child. Another mistake parents make is guardianship children when they have already become adults. Thus, these people, regardless of age, remain children forever, thanks to the stupid tutelage of their mother, who is unable to release her child into the wild. Usually such parents justify their guardianship with maternal love. Lack of adaptation to adult life does not give such adult children the opportunity to demonstrate their full potential in life, both in professional life and in personal relationships. These eternal children They are rarely happy, and after the death of their elderly parents they become completely helpless in the face of life. Another gross mistake of parents is imposing the idea on their already grown children that they are something to you. obliged for the fact that you gave birth to them- this is stupidity and delusion. It was your choice, not theirs.

1) Don't interfere V personal life your children (in matters of the heart or family, if you are not asked about it and even if they are asked, it is better not to interfere). When parents from one side and the other are pulled into a conflict confrontation or even an ordinary quarrel, this becomes a real battlefield. How less people involved in confrontation, the easier it is to resolve the conflict. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. There is no need to protect your adult child from his (her) other half, remain neutral in their conflicts, and give adults the opportunity to decide for themselves what they want from their relationship.

2) Respect personal boundaries their adult children. Remember that control and demonstration of power can cause resistance in an adult son or daughter and lead to conflict with you, negative emotions, and sometimes to a break in the relationship for many months or even years. Treating a thirty-year-old man or woman like a teenager causes a cooling of the relationship (even annoying advice, pulling back, remarks, etc. can cause irritation and annoyance in an adult, which is your child). Allow your adult children to perceive themselves as independent and responsible people, and show parenting through moral support, acceptance and love. Unfortunately, with age, many people become more dogmatic and rigid, and they become even more critical of their adult children than in childhood.

3) Do not interfere in the professional lives of your adult children. Do not give advice regarding changing your profession, place of work or salary unless you are asked to do so. Often it looks like this: “Why did you choose this profession, it doesn’t suit you”; “This job doesn’t pay enough, quit and look for something else”; “Vasya, Petya, etc. have already reached such career heights, but you are a dunce and a loser who is not capable of achieving anything in life.” At first glance, your advice may seem very rational, but in fact, your adult child himself is able to make a choice and determine what suits him and what does not. It is he who realizes himself through professional activity, not you. What suits you may not suit him, and, most importantly, your negative remark or criticism can ruin his mood for a long time and even undermine his self-confidence. Once again, it’s better to encourage your adult son or daughter, they will be grateful to you for this, because deep down you are still an authority for them, and they want your recognition and praise, just like they did in childhood.

4) Don't create for an adult child guilt complex, starting a game of all sorts of illnesses and manipulating this so that you receive more attention and time. Don’t blame him for the fact that you devoted your whole life to him, but he turned out to be ungrateful. Relationships between parents and children should be built on love, trust and emotional warmth, and not on creating complexes. It’s better to honestly admit that you miss your children and grandchildren. Come up with pleasant gatherings, unique family traditions on weekends: a delicious dinner, walks in the park with your grandchildren, etc. I remember how, as a child, I played lotto with my parents and grandparents and everyone enjoyed such a pastime. The main thing is positive emotions, feelings of joy from the closeness between parents and children. You can’t build anything good or sincere on negative emotions: categorical – “you should or are obliged (to)”, reproaches and insults, all this is a road to nowhere. To be needed, you need to give your children love at any age, and then it will be returned to you doubly.

5) One of the main problems for adult children is inability or unwillingness to forgive parents for past childhood grievances or past experiences psychological trauma. It is precisely such grievances that can give rise to emotional coldness, and even revenge on the part of adult children. This approach traumatizes old people, because often they do not even understand what caused such a negative attitude. I would like to remind such adult children that your parents are not eternal and there is no need to poison their old age with revenge for their childhood. Learning to forgive loved ones is an entire art; this is how a person becomes a more mature person and gets rid of infantilism. Remember, then when they are gone, insight and repentance will come, but it will be too late, and you will have to live with this heavy burden on your Soul for the rest of your life. It is better to forgive in time, have a heart-to-heart talk, remove what was not said and move on with your life without the heavy burden of childhood grievances. If you can’t cope with negative emotions on your own, work with a psychotherapist. Remember, positive emotions will prolong the life of your parents, and, on the contrary, will shorten your callousness and resentment.

6) Show respect to your parents, as well as a feeling of gratitude. After all, when you were little, you were cared for and loved unselfishly. With age, parents themselves become like small children, and sometimes completely defenseless against life (due to poor health or even age-related changes in the brain, you can’t really live on a meager pension either). The world of an elderly person who has retired is not as diverse and interesting as in previous years. After all, there is no longer work and communication with big amount other people, the world narrows down to an apartment or a garden, and every call from a son or daughter is something joyful and meaningful. Do not skimp on your attention to your elderly, “stay close” even if you are far away: call, communicate, share your joy, find out about their health, support your parents morally and financially.

7)Don't give up on your parents' desire to care about you or your children. Grandfathers and grandmothers love to play with their grandchildren, take them to various events, pamper them with gifts, all this fills their lives with pleasant emotions, and they feel needed. When a person has something to live for, it motivates, adds tone and health. Remember, positive emotions will prolong the life of your parents, and negativity, depression or resentment, on the contrary, will shorten it. An elderly person needs a tone for life and often the only meaning of life becomes communication with their loved ones and caring for their grandchildren. Don’t put your immediate problems above your feelings and attention to your parents, because when your parents are gone, you will understand that what you didn’t give to your parents was much more important than all this fuss with work or something else, you will regret it, but change nothing You won't be able to anymore. Remember that you are responsible for your elderly parents and this is no less important than the responsibility for your children. Pamper them with your attention, take them to cafes and cinemas, go to the sea with them. Later, when they are gone, you will remember these moments with great warmth and love.

8) How to resolve conflicts with elderly parents.

For example, when grandparents try to take over the function of parents for your children, then all these situations can be gently resolved without entering into confrontation. Remember, the best way to convey information to your parents about what you don’t like. – this is humor, not a frontal attack and reproaches. Something said warmly, with love and with humor is easier to perceive and does not cause retaliatory aggression or resentment. Or you can have a heart-to-heart talk over a cup of tea or a glass, but again it is necessary to expose the situation not aggressively or in the form of reproaches, but carefully and gently in the form of a request. This applies to almost anyone conflict situation. It is important to understand that you are not in the ring and you do not need victory at any cost; it is much more important to maintain warm and trusting relationships with your elders than to feel like a winner.

10) Take care of your parents and treat them with care.

Old people are offended like children, and it is necessary to treat them condescendingly and spare their feelings and health.

There is no need to pay attention to their capriciousness or categoricalness, much less enter into a tough conflict; you can and should find compromise solutions, and most importantly, do not escalate the situation and do not accumulate negativity. It is strictly forbidden to exchange mutual accusations, remembering the past and dragging from the past a whole heap of mutual grievances and disappointments. It’s like an avalanche that is gaining mass and speed; it is capable of destroying everything good in its path, relationships, and health. Heart attacks and strokes are often related to the negative experiences of older people precisely after such conflicts. Take care of your parents! As practice proves, people often repeat the life scenario of their parents, and your children can repeat your own scenario. Thus, both positive and negative patterns of behavior are passed on from generation to generation. As soon as you become more aware or even more humane (humane) in relation to your parents, from that moment on your life becomes much more kind and positive, and this makes it possible to live life more happily and harmoniously with people close and dear to you. Family, parents and children are, first of all, family and emotional ties between people. Don’t forget, when your children grow up, they will treat you the way you now treat your parents, because they remember your behavior patterns, and you are an authority and role model for them.

Tigran Grigoryan, psychologist, conflict specialist

3. Question:“When my mother tells me something, I feel double messages in her words. On the one hand, care, on the other – humiliation and devaluation of me.”

Answer.

Double messages are the subject of an entire book. A person says: “I love you,” but in his intonation and gestures the message is “get out of my sight.” It is important to get out of such relationships, they are doomed to pain. Double messages arise when we cannot admit to ourselves our negative feelings, and we feign love, suppressing dissatisfaction, although our whole nature radiates irritation. People use double messages to keep each other down. Perhaps in this way your mother is trying to keep you too. By telling you unpleasant things, who is your mother actually humiliating, devaluing and insulting? From what pain of her own do these feelings come? Your task is to get out of relationships of devaluation and build completely new relationships of respect. This may take time, you will need patience, you need to control your emotions and remember every second what you are really striving for. In double messages, it is important to TELL a person that his words are accepted by your mind on the one hand, and by your soul on the other. Is not simple task– help another person in your presence admit their irritation or others negative feelings, but only this total sincerity with a deep sense of respect for a person is capable of changing the system of interaction in double messages.

It's not easy for mom. Gain the wisdom to understand that your mother really wants attention and care, and is afraid to let you go, so that she may not face loneliness or something, from her point of view, even more dangerous.

The problem of the relationship between parents and children is complex in the paradigm of soul and mind, verticals and horizontals, high and low. Parents, considering themselves the main conduit between the Lord and their child, who are accustomed to being busy with someone else, involuntarily lose the object of their care and guardianship. Children, in turn, striving for freedom, the opportunity to cope with problems themselves and design their lives and time, subconsciously cause pain to their parents. No one, ever and in any way, in my opinion, is able to solve a problem for someone else, and the desire to love, respect and fill each other with harmony and creativity is a rule that will help generations hear each other. We need to learn to convey to each other in various artistic manifestations everything that you want to say, and not hang on the phone for hours, sorting out relationships that are actually worth nothing.

Lesya Mudrak, writer

4. Question:“I can’t support my mother the way she wants. I feel guilty. What to do?"

Answer.:

First, let's understand what wine is. Guilt is a mistake, the culprit is the person who caused some event.

Feelings of guilt (like resentment and many other negative feelings) cannot be imposed, it can only be your internal decision.

There are basic needs - food, care, treatment and others that should be satisfied to a greater extent. Often parents begin to reproach their children for not creating proper comfort for them out of fear of loneliness. Guilt is an excellent hook that reliably “hooks” a person. Guilt is a tool of manipulation. First, make a list of your real options for caring for your mother. Introduce her to him. Let her know that this is your limit, that this is all you can give her. this moment. At the same time, keep love in your heart and respect in your voice. And even if after this your mother still has complaints, this should not upset you, since you are not guilty. The main thing is to clearly hold your line and not for a moment allow the assumption of guilt into your heart. Guilt will deprive you of the strength to care out of love. And the lack of care out of love gives rise to a deep feeling of uselessness and lack of demand. This is a very dangerous feeling for no longer young parents...

5. Question:“My mother tells me that “let my daughter, like me in my time, suffer, suffer, starve.” How can we understand this?

Answer.

Parents want their children to appreciate what they have. Parents do not always instill this value in their children in the right way. Children usually react aggressively to such parental behavior. By inviting the child to “suffer and starve,” the mother is hardly speaking out of love. Rather, her words are out of resentment and irritation. There are parents who believe that fate treated them very cruelly. They cannot forgive this, and carry this pain within themselves. Sooner or later the pain is poured out on the children. What should children do? First, accept that mom is in a lot of pain.

At one time, no one supported her, and she is angry at the world. You, in general, are not involved in this, it’s just that this outpouring of negative emotions occurs in your presence. After all, not everything that happens to people, even in your presence, is connected with you, is it? If the person next to you has a stomach ache, you wouldn’t consider yourself the cause, would you? Secondly, remember that you have the right to make your choice, you don’t have to choose “suffering and starving.” You can choose to be hardworking, assertive, and self-confident. Are you able to make this choice? I also highly recommend shifting the focus of what you notice in your mother. Surely there are moments when she talks about you with kindness, support, care, are there any actions of hers that make you feel warm? Remember this more often, because it is so easy for our soul to devalue the good and normal, to focus on problems... She is like a three-year-old child at a construction site - she needs an eye and an eye!

Advice to parents: do not criticize or impose your vision on children. Do not interfere in their personal life. And provide them with support. I told my eldest daughter: “You can always count on us in difficult life circumstances. We will always take you under our roof and help you financially if necessary. You should not lose your self-esteem, under any circumstances!” Advice to children: almost the same:) accept parents as they are, you cannot change them. You can only change your attitude towards them :)), preferably to a positive one. IN difficult relationships always include humor :)) if, of course, you have it. If not, then just be restrained. And tell them more often that you love them :))) they really need it!!! And that you need them! This is also very important for them. Ask them for advice, and do as you see fit :)))

Margarita Sichkar, public figure, restaurateur

6. Question:“Mom reproaches me for putting my whole life on me, and demands that I listen to her and be attached to her.”

Answer.

If the mother lives by the principle “I have put my whole life on you,” then the child very often lives with the feeling: “I am a loser,” we have already talked about this when examining the question above.

These two mottos are two sides of the same coin, they are inseparable. If parents reproach their children for ingratitude, then we can say that they never truly loved them. Loving and caring in order to raise a servant for oneself in old age is a wrong parental policy. We cannot love our children so that they will one day return this love to us.

Reproach is, in general, not a form of education. Reproach always causes resistance and a desire to move away. A parent teaches, first of all, by example. If you, as a parent, can give your child love and at the same time be happy, you will raise happy person. If the meaning of life for you becomes love for your child, you are dooming both yourself and him to sacrifice, resentment, pretense and disappointment. The best way For parents, teaching their child to care means, from childhood, teaching the child to love nature, animals, children, adults, and showing by example how to care for grandparents. Children do not have the innate reflex to love their parents; this skill needs and is important to develop and shape.

7. Question: “My daughter is not like me, but she should be like me. And live the same way. What to do?"

Answer.

Your daughter is not like you, and that's okay. Parents should not turn their children into photocopies and doubles of themselves. Parents are given in order to create conditions for the manifestation of the best qualities of the child. Children always have more choices than adults, and they should be different from their parents, since they are structured completely differently, they have a different character, different preferences. By turning a child into a self-copy, we forbid the child to be himself, we please our own ego and degrade ourselves.

Every child has the right to be themselves. And in order for him to want to be like his parent, he – the parent – ​​needs to work hard on himself. Children want to be part of the best and the happiest. Develop yourself and be happy!

Children who are twenty-five or more continue to be children for us, with their problems, joys and sorrows. It was very important for me to understand that my daughter, who is very similar to me, has many of my habits and hobbies, is still not me. Willows of some kind important points life, may act completely differently than I would have acted.

I felt very emotionally about her falling in love, her disappointments and betrayal by her loved one. It was at such moments that we were closer than ever. I helped her understand the meaning of these events, not to be offended by fate and the people through whom this event came into her life. We talked a lot about spiritual topics, I talked about my experience and the experience of people close to me, how they went through crises in their lives. I gave many arguments in favor of the fact that everything should be taken for granted, and one should be grateful to fate for both sorrow and joy. It seems to me that the correct passage of the “points of falling in love” will largely determine her female happiness, her internal psychological state.

I'm learning to accept her choice and respect it. It is very difficult when communicating with my daughter not to evaluate her decisions and choices if I am not asked to do so. If she asks me for advice, I do it very delicately (after all, I am not the ultimate truth). Having given advice, I always turn her gaze inward, while reminding her that no one knows better than you what will be right, listen to your heart and do as it tells you. I really want her to learn to trust herself and make decisions confidently.

Truly, adult children are tasks of increased complexity!!! These are no longer problems of nutrition, study, bad habits, these are questions from the category of “the art of living.”

Galina Kirmach, candidate of psychological sciences, practicing psychologist-educator

8. Question:“I feel like my mother lives for me. I feel guilty, how can I deal with this?

Answer.

All mothers, with the birth of a child, unconditionally devote part of their lives to him. The only question is: what is the percentage of this part in the life of a parent?

The older the children are, the less parents there are in their lives. Many people think so. In fact, this is a misconception. Indeed, the older children are, the less time they spend communicating with their parents, but they spend more and more time in their souls. First of all, they begin to understand what parental habits they inherited, choose what can be left and what needs to be changed.

Second, children clearly see what behaviors they have adopted and how those behaviors, beliefs, and thoughts of their parents affect their quality of life. We talk to our parents all our lives. This is fine. If your mother lives for you, it means that you have not yet shown such character traits that, having seen them, your mother could “move away” from you. The happy eyes of a fulfilled adult child who is passionate about life seem to give the mother permission to “move away.”

One of the most important “disenchantment” therapeutic phrases is that it is never too late to have a happy childhood. We can spend our whole lives blaming our past for the things that don’t work out for us, or we can heal it from anywhere in the present. First steps to healing:

1. stop blaming yourself and others;

2. learn to thank yourself and the world (parents, friends, employees).

Our parents always gave us only what they had - if they had more, they would have been able to give more. Each generation has its own level of care - one generation cares about survival, another about development - education, the third - about feelings. Our grandparents did not have the opportunity to take care of the feelings of our parents - they needed to survive during the war and after it. Our parents could not always take care of our feelings - this was not in their “base”. I accept from you with gratitude the life and strength of the family that came through you, but everything that does not correspond to my potential, everything that relates to guilt, resentment, fear, limitations - I do not accept, I leave it to those to whom it belongs.” . At every stage of growing up, we try to maintain a sense of WE - closeness, kinship, love, care, but we reserve the right to our own Self. The most a parent can do for their child is to be happy and let him go into his own happiness. An ancient ritual - blessings - can become modern. I bless you for your success, life in abundance, happiness, health, love. We allow you to move away as far as you care, but we will forever remain your mom and dad. I relieve you of responsibility for our relationship with dad, our realization and our life, I relieve you of our feeling of guilt and the feeling of heaviness from different moments of your growing up. Live and go through life easily. Dad and I are adults. We can handle whatever life throws at us.

Svetlana Roiz, family psychologist

9. Question: “Mom loves me too much. She made me the meaning of her life. All her actions are for me, she misses me all the time. And I cannot be the center of her Universe. This makes me angry, irritates me, and our relationship is deteriorating.”

Hello Tatiana.

Since adults, when communicating with a child, always evaluate how well-mannered he is, polite and restrained children have always been considered a reason for pride among parents. Each child, to the best of his ability, teaches his child from childhood to be well-mannered and to show respect towards adults. It is the attitude towards adults in many cultures of the world that is considered the most important indicator of a person’s upbringing. A civilized person must be educated, and education begins in childhood.

The child must understand what exactly is the difference between adults and his peers. Parents should not only talk about this with their children, but also demonstrate by example the difference in behavior with people of different ages. It is difficult for children to understand how to behave with adults in a given situation, so it is necessary to lay the foundations of behavior and communication with elders in their heads so that they do not go beyond acceptable boundaries in different situations.

Basics of communication with elders

• In any situation, the child must behave with restraint with adults. The precautionary position does not allow the child to take the initiative in communication. It is acceptable to answer questions in a polite and reserved manner. However, when communicating with family, relatives and friends, there is nothing wrong with the child taking the initiative and asking “How are you?” from a well-known adult (grandfather, father, uncle, family friend, etc.).
• Addressing adults should only be “you,” but again, a child may well address close relatives using “you,” and there is nothing terrible or shameful about that. “Hello”, “bye” are phrases for peers and family members, and for strangers - “Hello”, “goodbye”.
• The child should say hello first, regardless of which of the elders is standing in front of him - the father or an unfamiliar stranger with whom the mother stopped to talk. It is not at all necessary to enter into a dialogue after this, but the greeting should come from the youngest person.
• Well-mannered children never interrupt adults if there is a lively conversation between them. It doesn’t matter whether the topic concerns the child himself or the subject of conversation is far from the baby, whether the baby has a comment, or he just wants to say something on his own. You can speak only after addressing the child, when he is asked a question or the elders want to hear the opinion of the little interlocutor.

In exceptional cases, when the baby needs to say something, he can insert phrases into the dialogue of adults: “Sorry, I need to say something,” “Excuse me, can I interrupt you,” etc. Some parents even develop some kind of signal system if the child needs to say something very urgently. For example, a baby may squeeze his mother’s hand, letting her know that he has some urgent business with her.

• In dialogue with adults, children should be extremely restrained and speak without playing around or making faces. In conversations with elders, well-mannered children use polite words more often than usual.
• Children should never argue with adults, much less enter into any conflicts. The child must be taught that if he does not agree with something, then it is not necessary to “assent” to everything. It is necessary to listen calmly, let the elder finish the monologue, and after that very correctly express your opinion, even if it is the opposite.
• Helping adults will never cease to be relevant. Holding the door for an elderly person, giving up a seat on public transport or on a street bench, giving a hand at a pedestrian crossing - even the smallest can do this.

It is very important to teach a child not only the rules of communication with elders, but also precautions. Don’t forget to tell your children how to behave with strangers, that there are not only “good” adults, but also “bad” ones who have evil intentions. Give examples to your children, conduct experiments more often, asking him how he would behave in a given situation. Such work will not go unnoticed, and the child will not only be educated and polite, but also knowledgeable.

Sincerely, Natalia.

Good afternoon, dear readers! Being a parent is both very rewarding and difficult. It is not always possible to find an approach to a child and establish healthy contact with him, especially when children grow up and leave their parents’ home to go free. Today I want to raise the topic: how to communicate with adult children. Parents often make mistakes that greatly interfere with healthy relationships with their children. Let's look at what these errors are and how you can correct the situation.

Be a parent

As children, we don’t think about how difficult it sometimes is for our mothers and fathers. They try to do everything possible for our happy future, guide and mentor us. Every mother worries about her child tirelessly, even in her sleep, even when she is nearby.

But once we become a parent ourselves, something clicks in our heads. There are so many parenting tips, special books, trainings, films around that you get lost and don’t understand how to do everything, how not to miss anything, how.

While the baby is very small, the mother does not sleep at night, worries, worries. This state does not go away even when the daughter turns eighteen, twenty-five or thirty-nine. Excitement still continues to live in the mother’s heart. And this is absolutely normal, the main thing is to learn to deal with it competently and not interfere in the life of an adult child.

I bring to your attention a wonderful article that will help you learn to cope with anxiety and worries about your children - “”. If you learn to control these emotions, it will become much easier for you to communicate with both small children, teenagers, and adults.

Reasons for misunderstanding

Why can it be so difficult to build a healthy relationship with an adult son or daughter? In many ways, everything depends on parental perception, desires and behavior. A mother or father cannot fully accept the fact that their baby has already grown up, that he is not small and it is time to stop protecting and raising him. There is still a feeling that he needs to be helped and advised.

In addition, when children leave home, there is a feeling that parents are no longer needed. Feeling abandoned. Because of this, resentment, anger, and irritation come. I forgot, didn’t call, didn’t show up, and so on.

The mother continues to feel her power even over her adult son. Of course, being little, he was completely dependent on her. It was necessary to ask permission, obey, and be punished for an offense. The feeling of power sometimes remains, but the child no longer needs such strong protection. He has the right to decide for himself and make choices.

The feeling that the son or daughter owes something. They must devote a lot of time to their parents, they must constantly call and come to visit. And because of unjustified hopes and expectations, only unnecessary problems and the relationship deteriorates.

Another reason is personal space. Parents try to give advice, understand the situation, help, but this is no longer necessary. An adult daughter herself can cope with the issue of work or relationship with her spouse. But the mother still continues to be involved in her daughter’s personal life. This violation of boundaries leads to quarrels.

Sometimes parents begin to catch their adult children cheating. This is not uncommon, to be honest. Many adults do not tell their mother the whole truth. Be sure to read the article "". In it you will find a description of many reasons why children act this way towards their parents. This does not always happen out of malicious intent.

Establish communication

How can you make communication with children pleasant and useful for both parties? Firstly, you need to understand that your daughter or son is already an adult and independent, that they themselves can make decisions, make choices, make mistakes, stumble, but they will definitely cope with everything without your help. And when it’s hard for them, they will definitely come to you.

Just be willing to offer support and parenting advice. But only when you are asked to do so.

Secondly, learn not to be offended by insufficient attention from children. Remember, they have their own lives, their own families, and it is not always possible to find time to communicate with their parents. It's not as scary as it might seem at first glance. Do you spend a lot of time with your parents?

Instead of being offended, talk, calmly explain that you would like to see each other more often, call each other in the evenings or whenever possible. Don't swear or blame your child.

Third, get busy with your life. You really need the ability to switch attention to yourself now. Find your husband, travel, find him, take care of your grandchildren if you already have them. Give your child freedom. Give this freedom to yourself too.

Now you can finally fully devote time to yourself and only yourself. This is a wonderful period. Enjoy it.

If you can’t cope on your own, then seek help from a psychologist. and together we will try to solve your problem. Buy Natalia Manukhina’s book “ Parents and adult children" It contains very interesting and useful thoughts that will help you better understand your adult child and yourself.

What is the most common cause of conflict with your child? How did your relationship with your parents develop as you grew up? What do you expect from your children?

I am sure that you will definitely be able to establish contact with children.
Good luck to you!

Communication is the main tool of interaction between people. With the help of verbal or non-verbal signs, emotions, desires, intentions are expressed, and information is transmitted. Possession of communication skills allows you to easily establish contact with people and be successful in all areas of life.

What is communication ethics?

The doctrine of morality is included in the concept of ethics. Moral norms include the rules of interaction between people established by society. Interaction includes generally accepted standards of behavior and communication. Ethical principles are conditional and different cultures they differ. However, their compliance is a necessary condition existence in society.

The essence of morality lies in the presence moral qualities that allow you to successfully interact with people around you at a decent level.

Generally accepted norms exclude any violence, obscene language, criticism, or humiliation.

Respectful attitude, goodwill, openness, equality, freedom of expression are encouraged.

Speech communications

Verbal communication using speech means accompanies the expression of one’s thoughts, opinions, emotions, and exchange of information. It can be characterized in terms of:

• literacy;
• accessibility;
• accuracy;
• content;
• expressiveness.

In the process of speech relationships, it is also important to monitor voice intonation and timbre.

The following types of verbal communication are distinguished:

• Ordinary communication or conversation - an exchange of opinions and experiences occurs.
• Discussion – issues are resolved, tasks are discussed.
• Confrontation – an argument takes place, a position is defended.
• Dispute – there is a public discussion of socially important topics.
• Discussion – different opinions are discussed in order to find the truth.
• Symposium – short presentations by several people.
• Lecture – one participant speaks.
• Polemic – there is an exchange of opinions, a discussion with the goal of winning, defending one’s position.

The effectiveness of one or another type of verbal communication depends on correctly set goals and the constructiveness of the information.

How to talk to people correctly?

So, for example, when communicating with younger people or children, they need to spend more time, be sincerely interested in their problems, and listen carefully.

Under no circumstances should you criticize or humiliate. You need to communicate with children as with adults, with respect and kindness.

When communicating with friends or peers, it is important to respect other people's opinions. It is not recommended to give advice where it is not asked. Interaction should be based on the principles of cooperation, openness, and honesty.

When communicating with parents, you need to be more tolerant and listen carefully to their opinions or advice. There is no point in conflict or trying to prove that you are right. It is necessary to strive for constructive dialogue. Kind, affectionate words work wonders.

When communicating with disabled people, you should not focus on their situation. Showing excessive pity or sympathy can irritate or humiliate your interlocutor.

Under no circumstances should you say anything in an arrogant or dismissive tone. When speaking, you need to be extremely attentive and polite.

When communicating with older, adult people, it is necessary to show respect, politeness, and honesty. It is not allowed to address someone as “you” or simply by name, unless such a desire is expressed by the interlocutor himself. You need to talk in a calm, relaxed, friendly manner.

Communication with older people should be based on respect, deference, politeness, and openness. You should always address yourself by your first name, patronymic, or “you.”

There's no point in arguing. It should be understood that older people are especially vulnerable; they need understanding, support, and help.

When speaking, you should use only kind and positive words.

How to communicate on the phone correctly?

When communicating on the phone, there is no eye contact, so the main and decisive impression is formed on the basis of the greeting. The first phrases spoken, intonation, and manner of communication affect the result and the duration of the entire conversation.

Telephone communication begins from the moment the phone starts ringing. According to the rules of good manners, the phone should be picked up immediately after the third ring. It is recommended to wait until the eighth ring for a response.

After the answer is given, it is important to say hello as politely as possible and be sure to introduce yourself.

If a person is called for the first time, then you need to tell them where the phone number came from. Then they begin the main part of the conversation.

It is important to maintain a measured pace of speech here. Speech that is too fast is difficult to hear and its meaning is often missed. A slow pace can start to irritate the other person and they will become distracted. The voice should not be too quiet and not too loud.

To maintain a positive attitude when talking, you need to smile. A smile is always felt when talking on the phone, and it gives a special politeness to the voice. It is recommended to periodically contact you by your first name or patronymic name. A person is always pleased to hear his name. In addition, it adds a touch of individuality.

If serious negotiations are planned, discussion of commercial terms, then the text or key phrases It's better to prepare in advance.

However, the interlocutor should not guess that the words have been prepared in advance. The conversation should take place in the most natural, relaxed manner possible.

It is important to pause between meaningful sentences, giving the person the opportunity to express their opinion on the issue under discussion. In this case, you need to listen carefully and actively. This can be done using short phrases such as “yes”, “okay”, “I see”.

It is necessary to end the telephone conversation on a positive note. You can’t abruptly cut off communication. The last phrases are very important. A proper farewell is almost the last chance that can help change the situation in the opposite direction. Therefore, it is better to plan it in advance.

Social Media Etiquette

Modern technologies allow you to communicate via the Internet using applications and social networks. Gradually, such communication penetrates into all spheres of human activity. If previously such communication occurred only between close friends and relatives, now this is how serious work issues are resolved, discussed political topics, interest groups are created. Discussions in in social networks shape the worldview of modern people.

​There are unspoken rules of etiquette that should be followed when correspondence, so as not to spoil the impression of yourself. Without seeing the interlocutor and without hearing his voice, an opinion, as a rule, is formed on the basis of:

• literacy;
• the ability to express one’s thoughts concisely;
• politeness;
• used vocabulary.

Any message should begin with a greeting, calling by name.

It should be borne in mind that words written in capital letters only carry a greater emotional charge. Better to avoid large quantity exclamation marks, question marks, ellipses, understatement. This may create the wrong attitude towards what was said. Under no circumstances should you use obscene words.

Before sending a message, you should read it carefully and evaluate the appropriateness of the information provided. Don't forget to send a message of gratitude whenever possible.

All this can scare off not only interlocutors, but also potential employers. One of the modern trends in personnel search and selection is the use of social networks.

Rules of nonverbal conversation

Nonverbal interaction is carried out using facial expressions, gestures, and habits. Clothing, its cut, color, combination can say a lot about your emotional state, character, and status. A sloppy look is created by poorly ironed clothes with all buttons undone. The hairstyle adds integrity to the look. Hair should be clean and neatly styled.

There are certain rules that allow you to effectively interact with each other. Among the main points are:

• Keeping your distance. Intrusion into personal space - closer than 40 cm - causes discomfort.
• Eye contact. When speaking, you need to make eye contact as often as possible, about 60% of the time. This is how a trusting relationship is formed. However, you should not overuse it. Staring too long expresses distrust and aggression.

• Using open poses. It is not recommended to cross your arms or legs. Such poses express closedness and reluctance to make contact.
• Straight posture indicates self-confidence.
• No postures expressing dissatisfaction superiority, neglect. These include a pose where your hands rest on your side, are lowered in your pockets, or are behind your back.
• No excessive gesticulation. Otherwise, it may seem that the speaker does not have enough vocabulary to express his thoughts.

It should be noted that the location of the interlocutors is also important. Being opposite each other, opponents are more prone to confrontation than being located next to each other. Therefore, round tables are often used for business negotiations.

Features of conflict-free communication

During a conflict, a clash of opinions, interests, and positions occurs. The result of confrontation may be the achievement of a common goal or devastating consequences. Therefore, it is necessary to strive to transform any conflict into a positive direction, and, if possible, prevent it altogether.

Before getting carried away with emotions, you should try to take a sober look at the situation, analyze it, and try to politely convey the essence of the issue.

It is imperative to give your opponent the opportunity to get out of the situation with dignity. In order not to create preconditions for confrontation, it is recommended to adhere to simple principles that allow you to effectively interact with others.

These include:

• politeness;
• respect;
• positivity;
• openness;
• attention;
• decency;
• concreteness;
• maintaining personal boundaries;
• tolerance;
• justice;
• compassion.

The ability to put yourself in the position of another person allows you to understand the motives of his behavior and look at the situation from a different angle. You should not react to aggression emotionally. This could lead to an uncontrollable dangerous situation. Also, do not give in to provocations.

It should be remembered that each individual has his own characteristics of character, temperament, worldview, upbringing, and life situation. This must be understood and accepted. A person chooses his own reaction to a particular message. You shouldn’t “jump in the face” right away.

Business communication

In the professional world, it is customary to observe ethics business communication. This is a set of rules aimed at achieving specific goals. The specificity of interaction is not to show interesting sides of your character, but to interest your partner, to inspire trust and respect. It is important to find common ground, to define boundaries and areas of interaction. At the same time, the cultural and national characteristics of the business partner are taken into account.

Key skills for successful business negotiations include:

• the ability to correctly express one’s intentions;
• ability to analyze;
• listening skills;
• the ability to defend one's position;
• a sober assessment of all the pros and cons;
• knowledge of professional terminology.

There are the main stages of a business conversation:

• Greetings. At this stage, the first impression is formed.
• Introductory part. Includes preparation for discussion of key issues.
• Discussion. Includes specifying the situation, considering possible options, and making a decision.
• Completion. Farewell, which also influences the formation of a holistic impression.

When talking, you must show sincere interest in the topic and goodwill. Mood and emotional state should not affect the rate of speech and its volume. The facial expression should be open and welcoming. Nothing is more attractive than a sincere smile from your interlocutor.

In the field of professional communication, qualities such as tactfulness, honesty, decency, and clarity are valued.

The positive aspects are always expressed first, and only then the negative ones are mentioned.

Regardless of the form in which a business meeting takes place, it is necessary to monitor diction, rate of speech, volume, construction of phrases, and correct placement of accents. Whatever the outcome of the business meeting, a positive impression from the conversation should remain. This significantly increases the chances of improving the result.