It should immediately be noted that self-pity is not the same thing as anger and aggression. Therefore, while feeling sorry for ourselves, we will not blame an ungrateful fate, a harmful boss, or annoying colleagues. We will focus our attention only on our own Self.
First, we must agree with the obvious fact that in the life of every person there are both bad days and good ones. But because of this, we should not immediately destroy our usual way of life. If you had a fight with your significant other in the evening, then this is not a reason to file for divorce. The day will pass, night will come, and the next morning you will wake up with a new mood and emotions. In the meantime, let’s gather our strength and go feel sorry for ourselves.
You can choose any place for pity according to your taste. This could be a bench in the park or a secluded place in the apartment. But don't give in to the impulse. If a quarrel occurred at two in the morning, you should not run out alone onto a deserted street where the rain is pouring like a wall. Do not put your health and life at additional risk. If there is no place to hide, go into the bathroom, close the door and turn on the water.
But when the pity session is moved into the room, it is advisable to add musical accompaniment. It can be a sad and calm melody. Or the sounds of nature. It is important that you are on the same wavelength with the music. Prepare a handkerchief for tears, remove any remaining makeup, sit on the sofa or bed and get ready to feel sorry for yourself.
It is worth noting that, like any other session, the self-pity session is limited in time. It is forbidden to spend a day or two on it, or to do it too regularly. Set a limit. Let's say an hour. This hour is yours, but after 60 minutes you will clean up and continue with your normal daily routine.
Now the process itself. Hug yourself with your arms or take the position that is most comfortable for you. Most often, people intuitively take the fetal position. While patting yourself on the shoulders, start crying and talking to yourself. Ask yourself, “what happened, why am I so sad?” And, without hiding, tell yourself about the painful issues. Of course, you have mentally replayed this monologue in your head more than once. But it is important for you to translate it into dialogue. As mentioned above, beware of manifestations of aggression and anger. Don't criticize other people, don't curse your fate. It is important.
If it is difficult for you to conduct a dialogue with your own Self, take in your hand a photograph of the person closest to you. It is possible that he is no longer alive. And start talking to him. Imagine that he is sitting next to you and you are telling him about your problems. Mentally feel his response and emotions. Remember the days when he was with you. But don’t reproach fate for taking him away from you too. This is the past that you cannot change. Come to terms with it.
Now it is quite obvious why people have such a negative attitude towards self-pity. Because the line between proper pity and a nervous breakdown is very thin. Without a brake light, you risk making the situation worse. Remember this.
When finishing your dialogue, 15 minutes before hour X, begin to smoothly exit this state. Voice the positive points. Let's say, “today my husband yelled at me, but yesterday he gave me a box of chocolates for no reason.” Or “there are problems at work, but I always wanted to do this business and knew what I was doing.” Now switch the sad music to happier music. Close your eyes and smile. Even out your breathing. And ask yourself, “what do I want”?
Of course, you shouldn’t immediately say “car, apartment, dacha.” No. You felt sorry for yourself, now it’s time to reward such a cute creature with something tasty. You shouldn’t take this “childish talk” with hostility. For a moment, take off your jacket as a leading manager, director, or chief accountant. You are a child who was upset. The self-pity session needs to end on a positive note. Eat a chocolate bar, drink a glass of wine, pick up an interesting book. But pity is over for today, don’t go back to it. And especially don’t turn a chocolate bar into a kilogram cake, or a glass of wine into a bottle of vodka. As always, it is necessary to observe moderation in everything.
And only because most people have not yet learned to feel sorry for themselves correctly, we are deprived of another opportunity to get rid of internal negative energy. So feel sorry for yourself. Not often, but not rare either. Depends on a situation. And most importantly, feel sorry for yourself correctly.
Which ones are not worth it? the site will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.
Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.
4 stages of grief
A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:
- Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that is happening, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, problems with sleep.
- Suffering phase. Lasts from 6 to 7 weeks. Characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, memory and sleep disturbances. The person also experiences constant anxiety, a desire to be alone, and lethargy. Stomach pain and a feeling of a lump in the throat may occur. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, then during this period he may idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
- Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. Characterized by restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan your activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less often.
- Recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief gives way to sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.
Is it necessary to console a person? Undoubtedly yes. If the victim is not given help, this can lead to infectious diseases, heart diseases, alcoholism, accidents, and depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as best you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person is not listening to you or is not paying attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.
Should you console strangers? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person doesn’t push you away, doesn’t run away, doesn’t scream, then you’re doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.
Is there a difference in consoling people you know and people you don't know? Actually, no. The only difference is that you know one person more, another less. Once again, if you feel empowered, then help. Stay close, talk, involve general activities. Don't be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.
So, let's consider methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of grief.
Shock phase
Your behavior:
- Don't leave the person alone.
- Touch the victim unobtrusively. You can take your hand, put your hand on your shoulder, pat your loved ones on the head, or hug. Monitor the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch or does he push away? If it pushes you away, don’t impose yourself, but don’t leave.
- Make sure that the person being consoled rests more and does not forget about meals.
- Keep the victim occupied with simple activities, such as some funeral work.
- Listen actively. A person may say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and keep returning to emotional experiences. Avoid advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand him. Help the victim simply talk through his experiences and pain - he will immediately feel better.
Your words:
- Talk about the past in the past tense.
- If you know the deceased, tell him something good about him.
You can't say:
- “You can’t recover from such a loss,” “Only time heals,” “You are strong, be strong.” These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
- “Everything is God’s will” (helps only deeply religious people), “I’m tired of it,” “He will be better there,” “Forget about it.” Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, since they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
- “You are young, beautiful, you will get married/have a child.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And they tell him to dream.
- “If only the ambulance had arrived on time,” “If only the doctors had paid more attention to her,” “If only I hadn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.
Suffering phase
Your behavior:
- In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
- Give the victim plenty of water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
- Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
- If the victim wants to cry, do not stop him from doing so. Help him cry. Don't hold back your emotions - cry with him.
- If he shows anger, don’t interfere.
Your words:
How to comfort a person: the right words
- If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the area of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings.” Tell me how you feel.
- Tell me that this suffering will not last forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
- Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. Tactfully avoiding these topics hurts more than mentioning the tragedy.
You can't say:
- “Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
- “And someone has it worse than you.” Such topics can help in situations of divorce, separation, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare one person's grief with another's. Conversations that involve comparison can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.
There is no point in telling the victim: “If you need help, contact/call me” or asking him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.
To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little, take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema. Sometimes this has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to seem intrusive. Time will pass, and he will appreciate your help.
How to support someone if you are far away?
Call him. If he doesn't answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write an SMS or email e-mail. Express your condolences, communicate your feelings, share memories that characterize the deceased from the brightest sides.
Remember that helping a person overcome grief is necessary, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, this will help not only him to cope with the loss. If the loss also affected you, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less damage to your own mental state. And this will also save you from feelings of guilt - you won’t reproach yourself for the fact that you could have helped, but didn’t, brushing aside other people’s troubles and problems.
In general, pity for a person is a bad feeling. It humiliates both the one who pities and the one who is pitied. It may be about pity for a homeless or injured animal. But you also need to feel sorry for them when helping. It's not in my heart to sympathize. But under no circumstances should you feel sorry for a real person.
Try to feel sorry for a person with disabilities.
Which, it would seem, primarily needs your pity. You will be very surprised, but this is not so. Once I had the opportunity to talk quite thoroughly with a blind girl, Dana. I was interested life experience a special person living in a metropolis.
So Dana lives in Moscow, moves independently on buses, minibuses and the metro. He works two jobs and is actively involved in singing at a professional level. Have pity on yourself! – I would like to say to those who are straining themselves in an attempt to defend the imposed stereotypes that humiliate those whose rights you are trying to protect.
And why did it suddenly occur to society to feel sorry for (read, humiliate) a woman?
A woman must be loved, respected, appreciated, protected, pleased, surprised, taught and helped, in the end. But don’t humiliate with your pity. “Oh, you poor thing, how I feel sorry for you”- Is it possible to SO address a woman?! No, you can’t feel sorry for women.
“She has copper balls!”
Everything is correct, not with HIM, with HER. And not fashionable, but copper! This is how one of my friends puts it. By the way, she also has copper balls. Because only a woman with copper balls can say that your friend has copper balls!
Try saying this out loud 50 years ago! They would just shoot you. At a minimum, they would not have understood and sent to some good Soviet medical Center for the detection of copper and eggs in the body.
Yes, women are the weaker sex
But I really want to put quotation marks. Because the modern woman is no longer the weaker sex. The weaker sex are men who look at how their other halves achieve success in sports, business, politics, and conquer the heights of those industries in which half a century ago it would have been simply impossible to imagine a woman. Without the use of psychotropic drugs.
Every woman is a mother
I won’t talk about the stress on the body during childbirth, comparable to the overload experienced by astronauts, who the hell knows, I didn’t give birth and I hope I die a virgin in this sense. But as a fact. In my opinion, it is hypocrisy to feel sorry for a creature that is potentially more resilient, stronger and adapted to survive in modern conditions.
Of course, if we are not talking about false pity
This, you know, is when a woman trusts you. When he's playing around. When he wants to change something. That same feeling when a woman lacks attention (usually from a particular man), and she begins to “perform.”
Broken nail, lack of the required amount of rags, shoes, cosmetics (is there an exact number?), “I’m fat,” “I’m scary,” “I want to be in my arms,” “I’m old,” “I gave away best years", "no one regrets", and so on ad infinitum!
In general, everything does NOT depend on what gender you belong to - female or male; whether your abilities are limited or not. It all depends on what kind of person you are, how you feel about life, the people around you and the situations that arise!
And in this case, think about the fact that you need to feel sorry for the lazy seal who cannot get up from the sofa once again, do pull-ups on the horizontal bar and raise a son who will not treat people with pity! No, you can't feel sorry for a woman. She's better than a stray dog, isn't she?
Hearing
The main thing is to be sure to let the person speak out. You should not be afraid of the flow of revelations and panic: no one requires you to be active and immediately solve all problems. It is also better to leave questions, advice and universal wisdom for later: at this stage, a person just needs to know that he is not alone, that he is heard, and they sincerely sympathize with him.
Listening does not mean standing still like a statue and remaining silent until the very end of the monologue. This behavior is more like indifference. It is possible and even necessary to show “signs of life” in order to console a loved one: say “Yes”, “I understand you”, sometimes repeat words or phrases that seemed key - all this will show that you really care. And at the same time it will help you collect your thoughts: both for your interlocutor and, by the way, for yourself.
It's a gesture
There is a simple set of gestures to help sympathizers. An open posture (without arms crossed on the chest), a slightly bowed head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person you are listening to), understanding nods, an approving chuckle in time with the conversation and open palms are subconsciously perceived as a sign of attention and participation. When we're talking about about a loved one with whom you are accustomed to maintaining physical contact, soothing touches and stroking will not hurt. If the speaker becomes hysterical, and this also happens quite often, then one of the options to calm him down is to hug him tightly. With this, you seem to tell him: I am near, I accept you, you are safe.
It is better not to experiment with people you don’t know in terms of physical contact: firstly, you yourself may feel awkward; secondly, such behavior may turn off a person with a strict personal space. You should also be very careful if you are a victim of physical violence.
No change
Many of us believe that we should not dwell on stress. “Pull yourself together!”, “Find a reason for joy” - this is a standard set of phrases that the culture of global positivity and lightness of life hammers into our heads. Alas, all these attitudes in 90 cases out of 100 have the opposite effect and do not help at all to console a person with words. Having firmly believed that we must look for the positive in everything, we learn not to work on the problem, but to overwhelm it with a mass of conditionally positive experiences. As a result, the problem does not disappear anywhere, and it becomes more and more difficult to return to it and try to solve it every day.
If a person constantly returns to the same topic, it means that stress is still making itself felt. Let him talk as much as necessary (provided that you can handle this process yourself). Do you see how it has become easier? Great. You can slowly change the topic.
If specifically
What words can you use to comfort someone? Often, someone in trouble feels like a social outcast - it seems to him that his misfortunes are unique and no one cares about his experiences. The phrase “Is there anything I can do to help?” It seems banal and insipid, but nevertheless it shows your willingness to share the problem and be in the same boat with the victim. And it’s even better to offer something specific: “Do you want me to come to you right now and we’ll discuss everything?”, “Dictate the list of what you need - I’ll bring it within a day,” “Now I’ll call all the lawyers I know (doctors, psychologists), maybe What will they advise” or simply “Come any time.” And even if the answer is an irritated grumbling in the style of “No need, I’ll figure it out myself,” the very desire to help will have a positive effect.
Help should only be offered if you are really ready for heroic deeds, wasting time, money and emotions. Don’t overestimate your strengths, promising what you can’t do will only make things worse in the end.
Under supervision
Assurances like “Don’t touch me, leave me alone, I want to be alone” often indicate not so much a desire to cope with the situation alone, but rather an excessive obsession with the problem and, unfortunately, a state close to panic. Therefore, it is strictly not recommended to leave it alone for a long time. Unless for an extremely limited period of time, while being nearby and keeping your finger on the pulse.
Often the mood to “withdraw into oneself” provokes excessive curiosity of others, sometimes not even close ones at all, their excessive pity, and patronizing attitude. Nobody likes it. Therefore, when you see someone in front of you in exactly this state, you should moderate the level of your feelings and sympathy (at least externally) and make it clear that you are not going to teach him about life or put pressure on him with authority, but at the same time you sincerely want to help.
He she
We are accustomed to believing that a woman is an emotionally unstable creature and is always prone to a hysterical reaction, while a man is strong and resilient by default, and therefore is able to cope with stress alone. However, this is not entirely true.
Recent research by scientists shows that a socially isolated man tolerates stress much worse than a woman left to her own devices: he is more prone to withdrawal and depression (and girls even have an increased immunity in force majeure situations!). And the problem that we, emotional ones, will experience and yet forget, can torment the male brain for a long time. Psychologists believe that such a protracted reaction is a consequence of the fact that boys are taught from childhood to remain silent and pay more attention to their reputation than to their state of psychological comfort.
A man needs consolation, but it will be brought by actions rather than words. How to console a loved one? Your arrival, a delicious dinner, an unobtrusive attempt to stir things up will work much better than verbal confessions. In addition, the active behavior of someone nearby brings men to their senses. And also make it clear that it won’t hurt him to speak out and you don’t see anything wrong with it.
Rescue those who help
Sometimes we get so carried away with saving drowning people that it becomes an obsession. Which, by the way, is condoned by the victim himself: having gotten used to your readiness to listen, he, without realizing it, turns into your personal energy vampire and begins to dump all negative emotions on your fragile shoulders. If this goes on for too long, you will soon need help yourself.
By the way, for some people the opportunity to help someone turns into a way to get away from their own problems. This should absolutely not be allowed - sooner or later there is a risk of a full-fledged nervous breakdown.
If after long and, as it seems to you, therapeutic conversations, you feel like a lemon, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and irritability appear - you should slow down a little. In such a state, you are unlikely to help anyone, but you can easily harm yourself.
Depression
We like to use the diagnosis “depression” with or without reason. And although only a specialist can diagnose this disease, there are still general signs that, if manifested, require urgent seeking of qualified help. This:
Apathy, sadness, prevalence of bad mood;
Loss of strength, motor retardation or, conversely, nervous fussiness;
Slowing down of speech, long pauses, freezing in place;
Decreased concentration;
Loss of interest in habitually joyful things and events;
Loss of appetite;
Insomnia;
Decreased sexual desire.
At least a couple of the symptoms listed above - and you really should find a good psychotherapist for the victim.
Text: Daria Zelentsova
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Have you ever encountered a situation where you felt sorry for someone close to you? Maybe you are reading this article right now because you are experiencing a pity to your partner or spouse? And you don’t know what to do, break up or, having gathered all your strength, continue the relationship, because it’s a shame to leave?..
In my practice, I often encounter such requests when, out of a feeling of pity, the client cannot make a decision that has been asking for a long time, when it is impossible to say “no” to someone close, and he himself no longer has the strength to carry a “dead horse” on himself. Such real stories a pity poisons life and slows down very important processes in relationships.
Like any other feeling, pity has different shades and meanings. Why do we feel pity? What feelings can live under the guise of pity? How can pity help and harm the one who feels it? How is pity useful and harmful for those to whom it is directed?
Article navigation: “Pity: benefit or harm for relationships? How to feel sorry"
What is pity?
The very definition of “pity” contains words such as compassion, condolences, sympathy. Another interpretation of pity is sadness, sadness towards something/someone.
More closely, CO-suffering is joint suffering or “one illness for two,” a joint feeling.
That is, by showing pity, we seem to join the person for some time and “get sick” together with him, together we experience a difficult state for him. This allows us to diagnose the condition of our loved one, to vividly imagine what it’s like for him. And a person gets the feeling that he is not alone, and it becomes easier.
Pity for another. When is pity useful?
We will not talk about the pity of a parent for a child, the pity of a person for a sick animal, and so on. There is a slightly different pity, more understandable, not so contradictory.
Pity is more ambiguous in relationships that still presuppose equal, partner positions. For example, in a couple, in friendships, in relationships between adults. Eric Berne described them as the position of an Adult in relation to an Adult.
Pity is useful in the case when therapeutic support is provided, when we are “sick” with someone, as if we are getting used to the situation of another, and thus the person is not alone in difficult times, it is easier for him to survive difficult times.
Also, out of pity, we can help a loved one financially, by providing some kind of service, or by giving valuable information. And this help will really benefit him.
By being compassionate and helping a loved one, we look more generous in our own eyes. As a result, self-esteem increases. Sometimes it seems to us that we are more attractive to others at such moments.
The miraculous property of pity for the one who experiences it is a kind of therapy (healing) of oneself. By feeling pity and acting for the benefit of others, we become better and more holistic. But this happens if you regret it correctly. More on this at the end of the article.
Anyone who feels pity invariably receives hidden effects from it, sometimes even implicit benefits (or secondary benefits).
What else happens when we feel pity?
It is as if we artificially rise to a step above the person to whom this feeling is directed. This sometimes happens unconsciously. But we still feel it. In a more intensified form, this flows into pride and arrogance, which, of course, is felt by the other.
A striking example is when the pity of those giving to the “beggars” in the transition further enhances the contrast of their “high” position in comparison with his “low”, unfortunate one. “I would never have come to this!”
And it doesn’t matter that this “beggar” can thus “earn” more in a day than an ordinary office worker in a week.
Pity preserves relationships, although they are codependent.
Case study: a girl who has already lost her boyfriend's love interest cannot leave him, and at the same time, cannot build a healthy union with him. She believes that he loves her very much, and her pity for him does not allow her to end the sluggish relationship. He often bends under it, neglects himself, his interests, and behaves sacrificially. And if a victim appears in a relationship, a kind of “whipping boy,” then an aggressor invariably appears, usually in the form of a partner.
Even though at first we may feel pity for a person and continue a relationship with him, sooner or later pity is replaced by aggression. The nature of this aggression is as follows: in fact, we are angry with ourselves because we cannot afford to break off a relationship, for example, because we believe that we will hurt the person. In our understanding, he will not endure this pain, and from childhood we were taught that hurting others is bad, because after that, what kind of noble person are you?
And then we pour out this anger in the form of nagging, irritation and other things onto a safe “receiver”, a weaker partner who will swallow it. In addition, this is “he is the reason for remorse” and the fact that “I am wasting my life on him.” After this, we may feel even worse from a new wave of guilt that he is so good, and I torture him and “everything is always wrong with me.” And hello! The unhealthy relationship continues...
Pity is a surrogate for love
I don’t want to say at all that feeling pity for a loved one is bad. In the Orthodox religion, pity and compassion are given a very important place. In our Russian culture, there has historically been an understanding that feeling sorry for a person is the same as loving him. Many people “identify” love this way: I regret, that means I love, and vice versa, I love, that means I regret.
But, in fact, where there is pity, there is no place for love, which is characteristic of romantic, equal, adult relationships.
We all regret in very different ways. Based on my observations, I can distinguish three different positions of pity:
- Pity-superiority. When we rise above a person, we do something for him from a position on top, “from the master’s shoulder,” or with the thought, “he’s poor, he’s humiliated like that.” We look like a strict Parent at a helpless Child.
- Pity-sympathy. When we are on an equal footing with the one we feel sorry for (true sympathy). In such moments, we feel what the other is feeling. And we feel sorry for the other person, and not for the imaginary self.
The first two options are compensatory, not allowing free choice in relation to oneself and another person. The third type of pity is productive; it involves a free choice of how to treat a person, how to help him and whether to help him at all. And thus, we bring great benefit to both ourselves and others.
- The risk of ruining your relationship with your partner irrevocably. By feeling sorry from the position of an edifying Parent, you can increase the distance and provoke retaliatory aggression. Because when we feel sorry, on a subconscious level we perceive a person as “pathetic,” weak, and inferior. A person feels this subconsciously and can react with aggression or distance.
- The partner you feel sorry for may, at a certain moment, feel that an unbearable burden of moral duty to you hangs on him. And the more you give him, help him, feel sorry for him, the more unbearable this “debt” becomes. Sometimes, so much so that a person will prefer to simply run away from you, since he is unable to restore the balance in this relationship.
- The illusion of one’s own success and superiority in contrast. The consciousness that everything is fine with you, and you don’t need to do anything beyond what you have. It is fraught with stagnation.
- Denial of the natural course of things: the mistakes of others, the need to bear responsibility for the current situation yourself. Sometimes we think he was just unlucky. But there is a phrase: “Bad luck is a series of wrong choices.”
- The opportunity to deprive a person of his sad but necessary experience, the trials he needs in life in order to cope with more complex tasks.
- The risk of being hooked by manipulation. As soon as you notice that you are feeling sorry, be on guard. This may be your weak point, a sore point that - consciously or not - can be exploited by your loved ones. If you don't manage your pity, someone else will. (Read also the article “ Relationship manipulation and emotions»)
- It is easy to hide your fear of change behind a mask of pity for another in a relationship. And behind this fear is a deeper fear: to be no longer needed, not valuable, useless. So we continue to bear the burden of oppressive relationships, depriving ourselves, as well as the one we pity, of the opportunity to build truly happy relationships.
- To co-feel, to co-experience, to be on an equal basis with a person for a certain period of time. Try to feel his state, to understand what is happening. But come back in time, because when you share an illness, someone must be “healthier” so that both are not “sucked into the swamp.”
- Have pity, understand, but with your pity and help do not make a person “disabled”. Give a hungry person a fish or teach him how to catch one himself? The difference is obvious.
- To encourage, to believe that a person is not “pathetic”, but full-fledged, and his potential is much greater than we imagine now. And infect him with this faith.
- Be able to say both “yes” and “no” - like an Adult with his own choice and responsibility.
- Or just step aside. Because our “no” or refusal of pity in general can become a powerful delayed-action medicine for a loved one.
At the slightest hint of pity for your partner, I recommend the following:
- capture this moment inside yourself;
- Analyze what exactly made you feel sorry?
- What other feelings do you have about yourself and others in connection with this?
- What do you want to do about this?
- mentally remove pity from your arsenal of feelings. How would you feel towards this person if pity did not exist?
Perhaps, after you “pull aside” pity for another, at least for a while, like a dusty curtain, this feeling will be replaced by something real, the way you really want to treat the person. Maybe it will be anger. Maybe indifference. Maybe sincere sympathy. Or maybe love. And after that you will know more clearly what to do with it next.
But if you feel that pity is uncontrollable and it’s hard for you, or you understand that pity is not what you want to feel for your loved one, you can contact me for a consultation to learn how to manage this difficult feeling.
