In life you have to argue a lot, object, refute the opinions of others, and disagree.
A person shows his good manners best when he leads a discussion, argues, defending his beliefs.
In a dispute, intelligence, logical thinking, politeness, the ability to respect people and... self-respect are immediately revealed.
If in a dispute a person cares not so much about the truth as about victory over his opponent, does not know how to listen to his opponent, strives to “shout out” his opponent, frighten him with accusations, he is an empty person, and his argument is empty.
How does an intelligent and polite debater conduct an argument?
First of all, he listens carefully to his opponent - the person who does not agree with his opinion. Moreover, if anything is unclear to him about his opponent’s positions, he asks him additional questions. And one more thing: even if all the opponent’s positions are clear, he will select the weakest points in the opponent’s statements and ask again whether this is what his opponent is asserting.
By carefully listening to his opponent and asking again, the arguer achieves three goals: 1) the opponent will not be able to argue that he was “misunderstood”, that he “did not claim this”; 2) the arguer, by his attentive attitude to the opponent’s opinion, immediately wins sympathy among those who observe the dispute; 3) the arguer, by listening and asking again, gains time to think about his own objections (and this is also important), to clarify his positions in the dispute.
In the future, when objecting, you should never resort to unauthorized methods of argument and adhere to the following rules: 1) object, but not accuse; 2) do not “read the heart”, do not try to penetrate the motives of the enemy’s beliefs (“you stand on this point of view because it is beneficial to you”, “you say so because you are like that yourself”, etc.); 3) do not deviate from the topic of the dispute; a dispute must be able to be brought to an end, that is, either to the refutation of the opponent’s thesis, or to the recognition that the opponent is right.
I want to especially focus on my last statement.
If you conduct an argument from the very beginning politely and calmly, without arrogance, then you ensure yourself a calm retreat with dignity.
Remember: there is nothing more beautiful in a dispute than to calmly, if necessary, admit that your opponent is completely or partially right. This way you gain the respect of others. By doing this, you seem to call on your opponent to yield, forcing him to soften the extremes of his position.
Of course, you can admit that your opponent is right only when it comes not to your general beliefs, not to your moral principles (they should always be the highest).
A person should not be a weathervane, should not yield to an opponent just to please him, or, God forbid, out of cowardice, for career reasons, etc.
But to concede with dignity on an issue that does not force you to give up your general beliefs (hopefully high ones), or to accept your victory with dignity, without gloating over the loser in an argument, without triumphing, without offending your opponent’s pride - how beautiful that is!
One of the greatest intellectual pleasures is to follow a debate conducted by skilled and intelligent debaters.
There is nothing more stupid in an argument than arguing without reasoning. Remember Gogol’s conversation between two ladies in “Dead Souls”:
“- Honey, this is colorful!
- Oh no, not colorful!
- Oh, motley!
When the arguer has no arguments, simply “opinions” appear.
Effective communication cannot allow controversial situations to arise. It is impossible to win an argument - it is an illusion. The skirmish only demonstrates that one side is unable to compromise, while the other looks helpless. The loser in a dispute will always go to any lengths just to regain his position, to defend his position. It cannot be argued that truth is born in a dispute, even though this expression has been around for many years. Usually the products of dispute are hostility and misunderstanding. A good communicator must avoid conflict situations at all costs. This applies not only to the dispute itself, but also to any participation in it, even as a third party. By giving preference to one, you can lose the trust of the other. This postulate opens basic rules of dispute.
A dispute cannot be allowed to arise at any cost.
If you want to emerge victorious in conflict situation, then you need to change the opinion and position of your interlocutor. This is the only way to achieve success in a dispute. But an effective dialogue can suddenly go in a different direction and turn into a skirmish. We need to restrain our capabilities and not escalate the conflict.
Sometimes it is impossible to avoid an argument, since involvement is spontaneous, independent of the communicator. In this case, it is worth smoothing out the situation and reducing the intensity of passions. An effective communicator can not only moderate the opponent’s ardor, but also help him save face in a conflict situation. At the same time, the communicator knows how to convey his own thoughts and ideas to the interlocutor. To competently promote your attitudes, to create a calm discussion, you need to use the second point, which is included in the rules for conducting a dispute.
Find out more about the opinion of the interlocutor, about his views on the problem
You should never offend your opponent or lower his self-esteem. This may lead to negative consequences. Your thoughts should not be imposed, you should not interrupt your opponent and forcefully promote your own opinion to him.
The advantage of “reconnaissance actions” is not only the ability to assess the situation. The opponent, expressing his thoughts, gradually calms down, his aggressiveness and excessive emotionality disappear. The interlocutor ceases to perceive the communicator as an enemy. And if you also ask additional questions to clarify the situation, you will be able to better understand all the claims that are made against your position on the issue.
Do not forget that until the interlocutor speaks out completely, until he voices his thoughts entirely, he will not listen to you. He is not psychologically ready for this yet. For effective communication, you need to prepare the ground so that your own ideas better ingrained in the minds of the opponent.
The interlocutor must understand that you value his ideas and position
A good communicator knows how to turn any dispute into normal, productive communication. To do this, you need to show that you listen to the opinion of your interlocutor, that his position is important to you. Once your opponent has fully explained his ideas, don't rush to express your thoughts.
- First, you need to ask clarifying questions so that the opposing opinion becomes more understandable and transparent.
- Then you should make it clear that you not only respect your opponent’s position, but also reflect on it. If you demonstrate your interest, you can convince your opponent of the value of his ideas. If you are hesitating, it means he definitely said something meaningful and interesting. Conversely, responding too quickly can be seen as disrespectful and lack of interest in opposing opinions.
You cannot strive for the complete defeat of your opponent.
Losing a dispute is a serious blow to one’s reputation, which can subsequently negatively affect the productivity of communication. You shouldn’t wish your opponent complete collapse, let him “save face.”
A dispute can be compared to a battering ram, a collision. But this clash should not look like a conflict. A competent debater does not give a reason for hostility, does not show that he intends to completely defeat his interlocutor in a dispute, to crush him. Otherwise, you will lose the opportunity to establish contact in the future. Either you choose to win a single dispute, or you prefer to continue to productively communicate and cooperate with your opponent. It is impossible to get everything at once.
Each participant in the dispute has arguments and positions that are irrelevant. A good communicator knows how to sacrifice these arguments to please his opponent. It is better to lose ground on minor issues, but strengthen in more important aspects. It is worth recognizing that your interlocutor is right in small things. Without these concessions, even the most constructive dispute turns into a massacre, into a desire to completely destroy the opposing opinion. There will definitely not be a positive result from such a skirmish. Effective communication does not share this categorical attitude.
Behave with restraint and choose precise definitions
The rules for conducting disputes and polemics require that the communicator be calm and reasonable.
Arguments may not always be complete and sufficient. To consolidate a position in a dispute, a person can deliberately exaggerate their significance, force the interlocutor to listen to own opinion. To do this, in the midst of a dispute, we can raise our voices, interrupt our opponents, and become rude. Naturally, such measures will cause irreparable harm to effective further communication or completely eliminate its possibility.
Use a third party
The situation of the dispute itself is an initially unfriendly atmosphere. The interlocutors do not perceive the polar position and are skeptical about it. This means that they perceive opposing opinions worse and will not listen to positions that differ from their views. But the arguments of a third party who is not involved in the conflict will carry much more weight. Because of the lack of hostility, these arguments will be better accepted and understood.
Also, using a third party will be useful in maintaining the opponent's self-esteem. Your thoughts and ideas will be voiced and conveyed to your interlocutor, without him being harmed. If the third party is an authority for your opponent, then this greatly simplifies the task. An effective communicator can use his own person as a third party, who will convey the necessary thoughts to the opponent, while the connection between the communicator and the third party will not be visible.
Allow your interlocutor to save face in an argument
The basis of the dispute is the objection. In any case, when the dispute did not turn into a squabble. Most often, it is with an objection that the dispute begins.
As soon as a person sees an objection, he must decide how to proceed. You can immediately turn the dialogue into a dispute and present your own argumentation. Another option is to use the objection for your own purposes, a non-linear impact. Each objection has its own reason, which the communicator must find out.
- lack of necessary information;
- conflict between the reconstructed picture of the world and reality;
- unwillingness to lose position in a dispute;
- other personal reasons.
If an opponent insists on his opinion, if he is firmly convinced of it, then it will be quite difficult for him to deviate from his views. In the heat of conflict, he will use all possible methods to emerge victorious. The basis of this behavior is the fear of losing face, the unwillingness to realize that one is wrong.
You can take the dispute to another plane. But to do this, the communicator must understand why the objection arose and what caused it. The rules for conducting a dispute state that a competent discussion can not only convey a different opinion to the interlocutor, but also save him from the need to fight with all his might. An experienced communicator can help the other person pay attention to another point of view.
If you correctly analyze the origin of objections, you can help your opponent maintain the status quo. This way the communicator will be sure that further business conversation will not stop because of one dispute. And the result of the controversy will be a skillful change in the opponent’s opinion for one’s own purposes.
For an objection to disappear, it is necessary to determine the cause of its occurrence and eliminate it. If the reason for the objection lies in the lack of information, then simply provide it to the interlocutor.
– I understand your point of view, but pay attention to the facts that you were not aware of.
Also, effective rules of dispute help to reach an agreement if the communicator independently identifies errors in the opponent’s views.
“I would also come to this opinion if exposed to similar circumstances.”
– At first I thought so too, but after receiving additional information my opinion has changed.
Another way to avoid destructive controversy involves showing your opponent an acceptable way out of the dispute that will not affect his reputation and the status quo. First, you need to study in detail all the features of your interlocutor’s opinion and identify points of tension. Then just show him how to leave the argument without losing face. This method uses all of the above rules, but it can help get out of a crisis situation with minimal losses for both parties.
Arguments don't have to be offensive, but if you don't deliver them well, they can become so. Fortunately, there are several techniques that can help you defend your point of view without turning the argument into a real battle. The ability to argue rationally and calmly is actually a real art, and besides, it can be very useful to you in a variety of situations. This skill will give you the confidence to stand up for yourself and defend your opinions. But don’t get too carried away with such discussions—some things are better left undiscussed!
Steps
Part 1
Optimistic Dispute Management- You should always treat the other person with respect when arguing with them. Remember that he is the same person as you. Treat others the way you want to be treated. You shouldn’t immediately challenge someone else’s opinion just because it doesn’t agree with yours. Listen to your opponent and his arguments.
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Try to challenge opinions and ideas without somehow connecting it with the person himself. When you argue with someone, you must remember that you are only arguing an opinion and not trying to humiliate the person. This means that in no case should you call a person stupid just because he thinks differently, and you also shouldn’t get personal and in any way touch on appearance your opponent.
Admit if you're wrong. When you make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it. Do not deny that you did not understand something or understood it, but in a different sense. Mistakes do not make you worse, but the ability to admit these mistakes makes you a real person.
Apologize if necessary. If you have offended someone with your argument or opinion, be kind enough to ask for forgiveness. Act like adults and be prepared to take responsibility in the situation.
Be open to new ideas. The best way conduct an argument in an optimistic tone - be open and friendly. You don't want to get your argument wrong again, do you? Open yourself up to thinking differently and don't resist new ideas and points of view.
Part 2
Argue convincingly-
Make the person feel intelligent. When you make a person feel stupid, they withdraw into themselves and start making stupid, empty arguments. Make your opponent feel smart, and then you will have the opportunity to turn his arguments in your favor.
Provide arguments and evidence according to the audience you are targeting. It is important that your data is from reliable sources. Reliable sources and truthful arguments about the subject of the dispute - the simplest and effective method win the argument. In addition, it is very important to adapt this evidence to convey it to your opponent, to make it more logical or, conversely, emotional (depending on what is closer to your opponent).
Pay attention to logical errors and inaccuracies. If you find a logical flaw or inconsistency and point it out to your opponent, you will likely be able to influence his or her opinion. It can be quite difficult to learn to recognize logical errors, but here are a few of the most common ones:
- Make sure that the arguments are structured and that the cause-and-effect relationship is not broken. For example, there has been an increase in the incidence of autism due to the use of cell phones. Thus, we can conclude that the risk of autism increases with the use of mobile phones. In this case, you may notice that the argument and conclusion follow the pattern “because A precedes B, therefore A causes B.”
- Another common misconception is the idea that something cannot exist unless there is evidence for it. For example, when you are told that God/microorganisms/evolution/aliens do not exist because we have never seen or physically felt them.
- The next situation is when the conclusion and conclusion have nothing to do with the argument itself. For example: “We can’t raise teachers’ salaries because police officers and firefighters don’t make that much money either.”
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Let your opponent become the hero or the victim for a while. People like to perceive themselves as the main character of their life story. Let your opponent think so, and you act very carefully and push him to change his opinion by discussing the details of the problem.
- For example: “I know that you really really want to help people. You are one of the most generous people I know. But if you really wanted to help, you wouldn't donate to charity centers that might misuse your funds. Don’t you want to know that your money is directly saving someone’s life?”
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Enrich your speech. When you get into an argument, try not to get personal and avoid the words “I” and “you”. Say the word “we” instead. This way, your opponent will begin to perceive you and him as a single entity with common interests and goals, and not as enemies.
Know when to stop. Sometimes it happens that your opponent is not ready to change his mind right now in front of you. In this case, the most the right decision It will be easy to step back and give your opponent time to think about everything you said and reconsider his point of view. Of course, in some cases you also need to be persistent. This is an art in which you need to experiment.
- In general, if your opponent seems really, really upset, you may not want to continue the argument any longer.
- You can close the topic with the argument: “Okay, I understand that I can’t change your point of view, but just think about my words, please.”
Part 3
Be smart-
Don't provoke an argument. By challenging someone's opinion, you become an initiator, and this is noticed by the people with whom you argue. People won't take you seriously anymore because they know you just need to shout and argue with someone a little. If you want the argument to be useful and interesting, you shouldn’t start it just because of some little thing.
Be sincere. Allow others to see you for the person you are. This way, you will appear more sympathetic and less selfish and aggressive towards the people you argue with. Just explain why you hold your opinion and be prepared to defend your own point of view, rather than being the devil's advocate by trying to justify an idea that is not popular.
Don't change the topic. The fastest way to make an argument completely pointless is to avoid the topic. When you are having a discussion, try not to go off topic and return to it if your opponent begins to deviate from the topic. Coming to one single disagreement is better than disagreeing with each other on 20 different issues. Discuss only one topic per argument and talk about everything related to it. When you agree on an opinion, or the argument reaches a dead end, move on to the next topic.
- Don't let your opponent change the subject. Perhaps the opponent will realize that he is mistaken and will want to change the topic of the dispute. When people are refuted in an argument, many of them try to somehow hide their mistake rather than admit it. If a person refuses to admit his mistake, he confronts you with the following argument: “It’s not important” or “Well, so be it, but this is my opinion,” and so on. Or the person directly says that he admits his mistake.
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Explain, explain, explain! Tell us why you are so confident in your point of view, how you reached it, how you came to your conclusions. This may lead to misunderstandings, but it may also influence your opponent's point of view and he will begin to agree with your reasoning. This is a pretty effective way to win arguments with people older than you!
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Don't try to make it so the last word was behind you. Of course, both opponents want to end the dispute and have the last word in it, but this can quickly lead the dispute to a dead end. Don't try to turn the discussion into a bottomless pit. In this case, just agree that everyone will have their own opinion and calm down.
- If you've been arguing for a long time and neither of you has budged, consider that today is simply not your day. In fact, there are some arguments that are difficult to refute (no matter how true or valid your arguments are). Especially if your opponent is unwilling to rethink his point of view. If you control yourself and stop the argument in time, you can still maintain a normal relationship.
- Your argument should be weighty and not aggressive if you are having an ordinary reasonable argument. Fighting differs from arguing in that in arguing, an argument is usually presented to solve some problem in order to choose the true solution, but in fighting, people give arguments to humiliate the other person.
- Be kind and friendly towards other people. We are all different, and everyone has their own opinion.
- Remember that people can be good friends even if they have different views on things.
- Don't try to invent anything, just say it as it really is.
- If you are wrong, admit it.
- Sometimes each of us needs to spend a few minutes alone to think about what was said in a conversation. This is completely normal. If your opponent asks you to leave him for a few minutes, agree on a time and continue the discussion a little later. If you feel you need some time to think, politely tell your opponent so.
Warnings
- Sometimes it is better not to argue about political and religious topics (only if you are close enough to the person and know that he respects your opinion). Many people disagree on such issues.
- If you are having an argument with an intelligent person, you can calmly discuss some political topics. However, it will be more difficult to reach agreement on religious issues because the risk of “losing” or “winning” the argument is high.
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Play the game fairly. Let's say you know exactly how to manipulate another person, but it is important not to give in to this urge if you want to have an honest argument. Decide that no matter how upset he or she makes you, you will not say something that crosses the line.
Respect the other person. Respect what he says. The argument must be two-sided, if you fail to look at this argument from the other side, your opponent will return to this argument and will not listen to you. Of course, it’s great to refute your opponent’s opinion, but refusing to listen to him during an argument is simply stupid.
The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, being the bearer of ideas new to the Quraysh, often had to defend his message in discussions with non-believers. In this regard, reminders were sent to him and his followers, which contained recommendations regarding the dispute: how to respect the rights of interlocutors, how to convey revelation the best way? Let's remember some of them:
“Call (O Muhammad) to the path of your Lord with wisdom and good admonition and argue with them in the best possible way.”(Quran, 16:125);
“Do not insult those to whom they call besides Allah, otherwise they will insult Allah out of enmity without any knowledge (of Him).”(Quran, 6:108);
“Dispute with the people of the Book only in the best possible way, except those of them who are unjust, and say: “We believe in what was revealed to us and what was sent down to you. Our God and your God are one, and we surrender to Him."(Quran, 29:46);
“By the grace of Allah you were gentle towards them (Muslims). If you were rude and hard-hearted, they would certainly disperse from you.”(Quran, 3:159);
“Good and evil are not equal. Repel evil with what is better (it), and then the one with whom you have enmity will become like a loving relative to you.”(Quran, 41:34);
“Be patient with what they say and leave them gracefully”(Quran, 73:10).
If we think about these calls, we can see that they are associated with basic rules: do not harm the honor and dignity of the interlocutor, be patient, behave with dignity and beauty, show gentleness and kindness. But what happens to a person during an argument? Does the success of persuasion depend only on the quality of the argument?
Researchers in the field of social neuroscience say: “Special neurons or neurotransmitters like norepinephrine trigger a special defense mechanism when we feel that our thoughts need to be protected from other outside influences. If someone's opinion differs from ours, the same substances enter the brain that ensure our survival in dangerous situations.
In this defensive state, the more primitive part of the brain interferes with rational thinking and the limbic system can block our working memory, physically causing limited thinking. No matter how valuable the information is, the brain in this state is not able to process it.”
It is interesting that in a discussion situation, when the interlocutor’s opinion is automatically perceived as a dangerous situation, it is gentleness, patience, and calmness that can defuse tension and create a calmer environment. The benevolence of the opponent is what softens the situation and does not force us into the framework of limited thinking.
Considering the Koranic recommendations on the “art of argument,” it is difficult to come up with more effective rules so as not to frighten the interlocutor and at the same time remain convincing and open to his opinion. Perhaps part of the success of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was due to his gentleness and kindness towards others. If earlier this was just a guess, today it is a scientifically proven method.
The common expression “truth is born in a dispute” turns out to be true only in relation to “correct” disputes.
An argument can spark an original idea, develop an idea in an unusual way, convince one or both participants to reconsider their views on a subject... or lead to a fight. Is it worth explaining that after a fight there is no longer any truth for the opponents?
By and large, what ultimately led to the fight was not a dispute as such. Most likely, it was a “showdown.” In order not to confuse one with the other, and also to avoid the emergence of destructive factors during the debate that turn the dispute into a showdown, you need to understand the basic mechanisms of the functioning of the dispute.
What the parties to the dispute must do
1. Express your point of view.
2. Argue your point of view.
3. Listen to the point of view of the interlocutor.
4. Give additional arguments to strengthen your position.
5. Give arguments designed to weaken the interlocutor’s position.
These five points form the backbone of any discussion. It is good if both opponents are aware of what the structure of the dispute looks like general view. It's even better if opponents know some details that can make the argument more productive.
How to make an argument more productive
1. Identify the topic and essence of the controversy.
It will not work if you discuss one subject but different aspects of it. It will be strange if, when arguing about, say, a house, one person will insist that the house is big, and the other that the house is green.
2. Decide on terminology.
Tell your interlocutor what you mean by certain words, find out what your opponent means by the words he uses.
3. Make sure you understand each other correctly.
No longer at the level of individual words, but at the level of statements. It is useful to use the technique of “active listening”: “if I understand correctly, you mean...” etc.
But even after clarifying the terminology and understanding your own position, you risk ending up in a fight (or simply reducing the debate to empty chatter) if you don’t remember what you should never do.
What disputants should not do
1. Get personal.
Everything is clear here. “Because you’re an asshole” is not an argument and in no context will it become one.
2. Be distracted by side topics that arise during the discussion.
Try not to get too carried away and forget about what all the fuss is about.
3. Talk about things you don’t understand, or about those things and phenomena about which you yourself are not sure of your position.
It’s hard to argue whether soft-boiled eggs cooked during a full moon in an old abandoned cemetery are good or bad when you haven’t tried them and haven’t been to the cemetery on a full moon.
Finally, when you have both had a civilized and pleasant discussion, ask yourself - what started it all? And be sure to summarize the dispute. If it’s not true, then something must have been born in him.
