Dependence begins at birth, with physical lack of independence, and then turns into an inability to make decisions, the inability to free oneself from the strings of the “puppeteer” without experiencing mental torment and internal conflicts. It may seem easier to a person to live according to the script written for him, in an uncomfortable environment and regret what he has done, to be disappointed in the chosen path, but still not be able to achieve success.
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Dependence on other people's opinions
Evaluation is the attitude of one person expressed in relation to another, vocally or non-verbally, in the form of approval, criticism, advice, swearing.
Before taking an action, a person worries about how others will treat him, fearing their criticism. In the absence of approval, with a negative assessment, his emotional state changes, discomfort is felt on the mental and physical level, muscles tense, the pace and depth of breathing changes, the reactions of the pupils become different.
Only if the situation is under control does a person feel comfortable. People tend to maintain composure when confronted with someone else's assessment of their appearance, work performed, or demeanor. This reveals a peculiar dependence of the individual on public opinion; an intention appears to comply with the stated standards in order to receive exclusively positive assessments.
Dependence on the opinions of others is a state caused by the subordination of one’s own “I” in favor of the beliefs of others. The formation of this quality begins in early childhood, when parents evaluate the child, and he, instead of being himself, tries to please them.
Such dependence usually occurs in weak-willed people who are unable to accept independent decisions. They are born with ready-made principles and “norms” of how to live. They make the mistake of trying to achieve success and at the same time meet society's expectations: their individuality is lost, they are fixated on what others think.
The impact of addiction on life:
- Loss of self: a person did not receive enough warmth in childhood, is not able to love himself, fight and defend his own opinion.
- To gain self-confidence, he needs approval from others. He tends to “beg” for it, so it is very important for him to attract attention.
- It is important to look “like everyone else”, to know that he is no worse than the rest. He has low self-esteem.
- The need for development disappears. Life comes down to admiration for authority.
- He doesn't know how to lead a discussion. Instead of removing the underlying fear, he prefers to agree with the opinions of others.
- A person cannot stop being afraid, as a result of which he does not know how to take responsibility. For the work team, such an employee is extremely undesirable; he will not advance in career growth.
- He is unable to contradict his family and create his own family.. He remains tied to the thoughts of his parents, is unable to exist independently, and throughout his life he cannot stop depending on the opinions of others.
In psychology, the state of dependence is characterized as dangerous, since it does not allow one to achieve higher goals due to internal oppression.
How to stop depending on other people's thoughts
The experience of others is useful for development, for example, in scientific activity: It is important not to repeat mistakes, to rely on the stages passed in order to move forward. Also, public opinion is the guardian of decency. But sharing experience does not at all mean following someone else’s standards. The advice should remain at the level of advice, not coercion.
It is important to understand that the decisions that other people make for a person will play a negative role in his future life. The opinions of relatives can also be biased. Advice and opinions should be taken into account, after which you should take time to think and make your decision.
It is impossible to influence the thoughts of others, so you just have to choose real goals for yourself and stop depending on other people’s opinions. If you can’t please everyone, then there’s no point in wasting energy on it.
How not to depend on other people's opinions:
- Practice self-reflection. The underlying principle is awareness; Having learned to understand one’s thoughts, a person sees their origin; awareness eliminates self-judgment.
- Learn to be alone. This will allow you to create harmony within yourself, eliminate the fear of loneliness and teach you independence.
- Learn to refuse. Personal interests more important than requirements manipulators.
- Remember your uniqueness. Every person is unique, even popular personalities cannot please everyone. You need to allow yourself to be yourself.
- Understand the fact that you can only foresee all opinions by being a telepath. Consequently, there is no talk of any responsibility for individual choice.
- Realize that following your own path will lead to success, and deviating from it will only lead to pleasing others. And the opinions of others are also fickle.
- Surround yourself with those who will support you in your dreams.
- Start Personal diary, where victories and rewards for their achievement will be recorded.
Behavior model
There is a model of behavior in which a full sense of self is maintained. For this purpose, it is useful to plan or tune in to certain emotions, then you can easily track those that were not planned. Just like emotional ones, you need to track behavioral gestures, then it’s easy to identify destructive ones among them.
And then create a list of edifying statements for yourself:
- “Ratings vary in degree of importance.”
- “I am an independent person and I choose on my own how to react to what is happening.”
- “If I plan emotions, this is possible.”
- “If an unplanned emotion is displayed during my interactions with people, I eliminate it in order to maintain emotional comfort.”
- “Worrying about the evaluations of others creates obstacles for me, so they are meaningless.”
Preparing the correct reaction
The following preparatory steps should be noted:
- Distribute people's opinions into categories of importance: very important; importance is medium; low importance; indifference.
- Work through the emotion by expressing it verbally: “This is not about me”; “I don’t take other people’s negativity”; “What would the doctor say about this?” The manifested emotion is: interest; indifference or another reaction appropriate to the occasion: “I’ll think about it later”; "What time of day is it now?"; “I’m glad to take care of myself”; remain silent with an air of deep knowledge.
Training in presenting the planned emotion:
- 1. To do this, you should visualize the situation with your own reaction to it in accordance with certain categories of people. An emotion for the category of increased importance is to be felt mentally and physically.
- 2. For each type of situation - live the desired state at least three times. For special difficult cases- five or more times. This will help get rid of fear and uncertainty in reality.
Exercise: Attaching a Shortcut
For each person who activates characteristic behavior patterns, it is necessary to create a “label” that describes the essence of the “character”, but in a modified form that is convenient for perception by the consciousness. A playful, symbolic name will evoke the necessary emotions and associations with a person on every occasion. Therefore, it will be much easier to control your reactions.
In the future, when giving an assessment on the part of another person, you should consider everything said by him, passing through his own “label filter”. To do this, you need to fix words in your memory, when mentally voicing them, the intended situation will be played out. And to begin with, in order to learn not to pay attention to the assessment, you will need to spend time living it virtually.
Categories can be combined by identifying common features in several of them and assigning new labels. There are no limits to creativity; topics for creating labels can be: appearance, intelligence, lifestyle.
Exercise: “Watching a movie” and others
If a person wonders how to stop depending on other people’s opinions, his work on himself has already begun from that moment. Psychologists suggest doing the exercise “Watching a movie”, “Reading a book”. A person forms his own opinion about the moments he likes and learns to conduct discussions without changing his point of view, his self-confidence grows.
It is necessary to write down the goals to strive for and note the results step by step. Actions to move towards your plans and implement the plan will greatly affect self-esteem and will certainly increase your sense of confidence.
It is necessary to learn to refuse strangers and loved ones, to say “no”. If this is a friend’s usual proposal to go for a walk, then you just need to move it in time by a few minutes and so on.
The realization of freedom from other people’s opinions will not come soon, perhaps in a month or a year, before you can develop the right attitude towards it. Then a person will take the right position regarding the thoughts of others and get rid of internal conflict on this occasion.
And a little about secrets...
The story of one of our readers Alina R.:
I was especially depressed about my weight. I gained a lot, after pregnancy I weighed as much as 3 sumo wrestlers together, namely 92 kg with a height of 165. I thought the belly would go away after giving birth, but no, on the contrary, I began to gain weight. How to cope with hormonal changes and obesity? But nothing disfigures or makes a person look younger than his figure. At the age of 20, I first learned that plump girls are called “WOMAN” and that “they don’t make clothes that size.” Then at the age of 29, divorce from my husband and depression...
But what can you do to lose weight? Laser liposuction surgery? I found out - no less than 5 thousand dollars. Hardware procedures - LPG massage, cavitation, RF lifting, myostimulation? A little more affordable - the course costs from 80 thousand rubles with a nutritionist consultant. You can, of course, try to run on a treadmill until you go crazy.
And when will you find time for all this? And it's still very expensive. Especially now. That's why I chose a different method for myself...
Welcome to my website. Oksana Manoilo is with you. “” - this is a question that clients regularly ask me in consultations, and readers of the site write in letters who are already quite tired of this, literally driven into a corner and do not see a way out of the situation. Therefore, today we will discuss the topic of other people’s opinions, and I will tell you how to stop depending on them.
Other people's opinion is important
Sometimes a person feels caught in a snare, not an adult, just because the words spoken by another person, or even just a hint of something, can literally cut the ground out from under one’s feet. Until that moment, everything seemed to be fine, there was confidence in one’s actions and their consequences, ease, and then suddenly there was despondency, incredible heaviness, and even fear.
Fear of other people's opinions
There are people who can be thrown off the platform of their own self-confidence by the opinion of one single person, often this is one of them; other people may well not cause such a lively negative response. But there are also those who cower in fear, afraid of being judged by literally everyone. What lies behind such a painful perception of what the other person said?
The influence of other people's opinions. Common truths
The situation with anyone significant person from whose opinion there is dependence, it differs only in that if you erase such a person from life, parting with him and ceasing communication, then with a high degree of probability another will come in his place by the will of circumstances. This “other” will very soon acquire a similar degree of significance for the dependent person and will begin to cause similar negative feelings, expressing his opinion on this or that matter. And all because the lesson has not been learned and the essence is not understood, which is why the situation is reproduced over and over again, “mirroring” reality.
Should you always accept someone else's opinion as truth?
The reality is that a person dependent on other people’s opinions is very afraid that they will say or think “wrong” about him, that they will see, find out that he is “not like that”, that he is “bad, unprofessional, a loser, incompetent” , and so on. On the face lowest self-esteem and an extremely self-deprecating attitude. Even if only one person reflects this to you, you have it in you and you won’t be able to hide from it.
How not to depend on other people's opinions
What to do? It is best to perform practices and exercises from. They will allow you to get rid of unnecessary programs. You will become more whole, strong, powerful and confident. Accordingly, you will not need an outside opinion; you will no longer depend on the opinions of others.
In addition, to feel great value to begin with, no more or less. It's important to know one thing. From the point of view of your Soul, Higher Powers or Source, the Universe - choose any term that is convenient for your perception - you, the way you are now, are ideal. And at the Soul level, your Higher-Self knows this very well, moreover, it perceives this as the only option. But you have deviated so much from the feeling of yourself as a value that you are literally turned into a ram’s horn by the opinions of other people, so that you finally realize and return to your previous track, in tune with the opinion of the Soul.
Think about it, all young children, without exception, perceive themselves as perfect by default, they do not doubt their right to be, to ask, to have, they accept themselves completely, are happy with themselves and evoke a reciprocal touching attitude from adults as a reflection. But over time, a person acquires negative beliefs about himself, which he accepts as truth, and begins to see his own distorted reflection in the “mirrors”. Although others may see him completely differently! See them the way they see themselves. This is the whole trick.
Accepting someone else's opinion is a consequence of accepting yourself
You are a great value and your experience in every day you live is unique to the Power that created you. If you could only imagine how much of your vital energy is wasted in the vain and exhausting effort of maintaining a good opinion of yourself in the eyes of another person, then you would certainly run and block this floodgate, horrified.
This energy could be directed to the creation of anything, what is beautiful and desirable for you, to any materialization, from opening your own business. But you are leaking it completely uselessly, not understanding the main thing. As long as you consider yourself a nobody, other people will reflect this to you in their words, actions and deeds. There can be no objective opinion a priori - just remember this. Because everyone, one way or another, talks about their own.Watch my video, it will answer a number of questions.
But to begin to perceive yourself, finally bestowing with love, which you have not felt from yourself for a long time, being busy chasing the illusory approval of others, is very, very important. Start taking care of yourself every day, allocate conscious time for this in your day, precisely planned, and not according to the residual principle. This way you will increase your importance in your own eyes.
Don't be afraid of change and other people's opinions
Make a list of what makes you happy, what you enjoy doing and implement at least a few points every day. Find a place for solitude and carefully write down all the situations in your life where you were “on horseback”, where you were happy by decision, the work done and where you saw a lively response of approval and recognition of your merits from other people. Save it and re-read it often.
Finally, realize that you yourself create your reality, every moment of it, and if you are completely tired of shrinking into your own shoulders from fear of condemnation, then tell yourself: “I’m tired of it! I have learned my lesson, but from now on I choose to be free from this addiction. From now on, I love and accept myself in all my manifestations! I am a value and everything around me reflects this with joy and positivity.” Thank people who tell you things you don't want to hear for their hard work. Give thanks and take what is said solely as a message for you, nothing more. Realize, transform and let go - that's it.
And then very soon you will notice dramatic changes in your perception. Not only will you no longer have to google queries like: “ Someone's mind. How to stop depending on other people's opinions“, so people will also begin to reflect to you the sides of the person you once dreamed of becoming, and mirrors, as you know, never lie, look and rejoice with love and acceptance, which is what was required.
James RAPSON
psychotherapist
Craig ENGLISH
writer
Nice people do everything too much: they adapt too much, they apologize too much. They float through life, adapting and giving in - in an attempt to please everyone. They strive to please others, even if they ignore or insult them. Such people show anxiety in relationships: through dependence, ingratiation, excessive readiness to bend to other people's desires. They are always worried about what others will think of them. And every time they are surprised when they are rejected. Nice people often suffer from feelings of inferiority and fear of inadequacy. They feel like they have to prove their worth and excellence over and over again, and although they may be quite competent in professional and social life, they remain constantly nervous.
Watch yourself
Our primary tool for overcoming anxious attachment is mindfulness practice. Our task is to monitor obsessive thoughts and feelings that arise again and again, and drag them into the light, where they lose their power. At first, awareness increases anxiety. Moreover, we notice that we are still overwhelmed with feelings of unspoken resentment, anger and constant anxiety that we secretly stored inside ourselves. These feelings are so different from the image that we carefully created: nice people not allowed angry or anxious. As children, we learned that negative emotions do not bring us the love we need, and therefore these feelings are not for us. And when such feelings appear, we consider them - and ourselves - bad, disgusting, spoiled, evil. Non-judgmental mindfulness requires that we learn to observe thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations without dividing them into “bad” and “good”. Only by accepting and carefully examining them will we be able to discover their cause, which means we will be able to change them. The habit of judging runs very deep (sometimes we even condemn our own judgment!), and the practice of mindfulness is dedicated to understanding this habit and getting rid of it. Over time, as we learn to pay attention to self-judgment, it will begin to disappear.
Be alone
People who suffer from anxious attachment usually fear being neglected or abandoned. They will constantly sacrifice their time, energy and self-esteem just to avoid being alone. As a result, they often find themselves in relationships that do not bring them joy, playing roles that are harmful to them, even if these relationships themselves do not give them the feeling of security they are looking for. That is why the conscious choice of solitude is an extremely important experience for a transforming personality. When done with care and compassion, loneliness can be a good laboratory for studying emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations and behavior.
One of the main results of a period of solitude is the development of the “loneliness muscle.” If you practice solitude meaningfully and moderately, you will become increasingly comfortable with it, without worrying about your separation from others. The hard part is learning to love yourself the way you do. caring parent loves your child: absolutely, no matter what you find, and as much as you can. An important part of practicing solitude is to develop specific self-care skills. This can be a difficult task for nice people who have long accepted the fact that addiction is the order of the day.
Understand what you want
“What do I believe? What are my values? How should I live? These three questions Nice people avoid responses that conflict with their habit of adapting to the needs of others. Our whole life is a constant work on the formation of personal ethics. Any situation that requires a person to make a decision is suitable for this purpose. Nice man in each specific case, he will most likely succumb to someone else's desires - not because he always agrees with them, and not because he considers such a choice to be correct, but because he is afraid of being the cause of a conflict: he risks losing his friendship , love or status. A transforming person in a similar situation will look inward and ask himself, “What do I think is right?” These are the words of a warrior.
Don't suppress aggression
You should understand that aggression is part of your personality. In fact, it is necessary for all living beings. Appreciate the determination and persistence with which a raven attacks bread crumbs, a puppy fights with its brothers, and a three-year-old child tries to get attention. Of course, suppressing aggression does not get rid of the passions that provoke it; aggression simply turns into hidden, passive forms. Transforming people are likely to find that skillfully managing aggression brings a lot of pleasure because it also releases dreams. We finally realize our desires, boldly strive for them and reap the fruits of our actions.
Set boundaries
Nice people have a hard time setting personal boundaries, because there is always a risk of offending someone by the fact of their existence. It will take conscious effort in the beginning, but the results will be worth it. Weak boundaries kill relationships and create distrust and disrespect in others. Strong boundaries give you a sense of security and attract other people. If someone tells us that they don't want to be called before nine in the morning, we can trust that information and feel grateful that such a wish was expressed. For contrast, imagine that when asked if we are calling too early, we hear “No problem,” but the tone of voice makes it clear that there is a problem There is. They try to be “nice” with us, but this is not particularly pleasant, and at the same time we lose respect for the interlocutor.
Get rid of illusions
The practice of getting rid of illusions will help people who have embarked on the path of transformation to part with magical fantasies and the expectation of a tragic end, and also see others as they are. Free from illusions, a person will be able to experience more fulfilling intimacy, better sex, and genuine joy in relationships. The basis for creating an ideal is the belief that serving an idol will bring happiness and satisfaction.
Of course, this is far from reality. In this case, there is no and cannot be true love or destiny sent by heaven. No one a real man will not make us whole. This is a task for ourselves. Of course, we will have other people help us along the way - friends, lovers, spouses, therapists, teachers and mentors - but the task of meeting our own needs lies with us. This truth is difficult to accept. At first we resist her by calling on habitual thoughts: “If I am nice enough, she will give me everything I need.” We must remind ourselves again and again that no one person can fill the void in our heart.
Don't be afraid of your dark side
Nice people diligently hide their dark side. The problem is not that the dark side is bad, but that we hate it. Interestingly, the process of studying the dark side awakens exactly those qualities that we want to develop in ourselves. Considering and accepting vindictiveness, weakness and anxiety develops forgiveness, strength and calm. Instead of hating their dark side, transforming people understand where it comes from: it is the place in the soul that has suffered the most. This pain needs care like to a small child who has hit himself and wants to be caressed, distracted, played with, joked with, in short, to be loved. When we become able to have compassion for our dark side, transformation accelerates.
