And probably, if the client says “I want to know,” he needs some rather complex knowledge: he probably already learned everything simple himself and he did not need to turn to a psychotherapist for this. Therefore, most often the order “I want to know” continues with the words “but for some reason I can’t.”
Sometimes a person lacks adequate information for this knowledge.
Sometimes he wants to know something that hits his unconscious pain points, and even with the information, it hits internal “barriers of perception.”
And also, if you want to learn something, it is useful to determine for yourself to what extent and what depths you intend to delve into this area.
But in any case, I can effectively help a person who wants to know something. We will figure out what he can’t do if any problems arise on the way to this knowledge. I will give him the information he needs (including some fairly unique and personal information) if he needs it. And most importantly, I will offer him the “keys” to the necessary knowledge, so that he can obtain the knowledge himself.
When working with clients, I often appeal to one poem from the poetry of the Vagants (translated by L. Ginzburg). There are the following lines: “I will make wings with my thoughts within these proud walls in order to DISCOVER the treasured treasure of precious knowledge.” Many people read “open”. You have to pay attention that it is written a little differently. Because when acquiring knowledge, complex, multi-level knowledge, you have to not so much discover it as tear it away: with difficulty, with sweat, with intellectual tension. And if a person does not do this himself, he, alas, will not acquire this knowledge. But for those who want to acquire, and having invested first of all their own work, I can help: at least help them navigate “where exactly to dig” in order to “discover” knowledge on a particular problem or situation.
If we're talking about about some of your own problems - it is impossible to do without your participation in solving them. Because no one (even the most professional psychotherapist) knows your problem better than you. The psychotherapist is only an assistant and “supplier” additional information"in your research and finding solutions. In addition, solving your own problem is always much more effective and efficient than someone else's.
The situation in terms of a psychotherapeutic order is a certain set of circumstances that changes over time. The situation may change on its own, or perhaps under the influence of some actions of its participants, and this is not always known in advance. Will these changes be for the better or for the worse.
Actually, all psychotherapy is initially intended to help clients find solutions to their wide variety of problematic situations: because in the vast majority of cases, the solution is in an area that a person in a difficult situation does not notice or does not consider. As they say, it is difficult to observe the characteristics of a reaction while inside a test tube. A psychotherapist is a disinterested person who has the opportunity to look at the problem from the outside and at the same time still has professional knowledge in the field of specific development of various situations and relationships. Therefore, I first of all suggest that my client comprehensively analyze the situation with all its features, look at it from different angles, predict how the situation will develop if this or that decision is made - and then the client himself will choose the exit option that suits him personally most.
Forget about others for a while, focus only on yourself. Ask yourself: if you were completely alone, without friends and family, without a job you hate and were not limited in your choices, what would you want to do? Don't be afraid to show healthy selfishness and don't be ashamed of it. If you don’t put your interests above the public, no one will.
Don't regret anything
Constantly regretting what you did or didn't do in the past is stagnation. Don't live in the past and don't regret anything. Live for today, live for the future.
Decide what you need most
We don't always understand what we need in life. And it is extremely difficult to find out. Concentrate and think about what is truly important to you. Family? Freedom of expression? Financial well-being? Making a list of priorities may help.
Identify what's bothering you
You can make a healthy decision about what you want to do only when there is nothing holding you back. If you are upset or your head is full of things to do, then you will never be able to make a decision. Find out what exactly irritates you this moment. “Working in an office makes me angry” is not the answer. What specific aspect of the job is causing you anxiety? Is your boss annoying? Schedule? Unhappy with your position?
Think about how to fix this. Perhaps there are no serious problems in the current situation and changing just a couple of aspects will make you a happy person.
Find out what brings you pleasure
Pleasure is the key to a happy life. A person who enjoys life does not just live through his years, but fills them with meaning. Remember the moments in your life when you were happy. What brought you pleasure? Trips? Communication with children? Company management? It will be easier to choose your next path if you know what exactly makes you happy.
Tell others about your dream
There is no need to hide the decision to give up everything and go towards your dream from your family and friends. By sharing your thoughts with them, you can get support and new ideas that you might not have thought of on your own.
Be positive
Life doesn't always go according to the script we write. But there is no need to fall into apathy if something doesn’t work out. Instead of grieving and doing nothing, continue what you started with a vengeance. Sooner or later success will come. Don't give up, but think about the good and do what you've dreamed of all your life.
Just don’t think that finding your purpose is easy. Many people search for it all their lives. The main thing is not to stop and keep looking. One day this will definitely happen. Until then, try different professions and activities. After all, without trying, you will never know whether it is for you or not.
It’s not surprising when a teenager or a former student asks this question. But what about those who have already passed the 30-year mark, managed to change more than one job, but still have not been able to understand what to do in life?
To feel like a successful and accomplished person, you need to understand your innate character traits - they are the ones responsible for your real desires to do something in life. We will analyze systematically what desires are yours and what is imposed by society, fashion or parents.
Why is my current job annoying?
There are only two possible answers:
- work does not meet natural desires, and therefore cannot bring pleasure;
- I can’t interact with colleagues in a way that is fun and effective.
The first option is precisely that we ourselves do not know what we want.
For example, a person who is unhurried and consistent in everything by nature works as a sales manager or organizes children's parties. That is, where flexibility is needed, the ability to instantly adapt to new circumstances and high speed decision making.
It turns out that there is zero pleasure. But the complaints against colleagues, superiors and the work itself are through the roof. And there are many such inconsistencies between natural character traits and work requirements.
Colleagues or management can also cause irritation. For example, a programmer who loves silence and solitude is forced to work in a noisy office, where everyone does nothing but distract him.
Or an excellent specialist waits a long time for a promotion or salary increase, believing that management itself will recognize his merits. Everyone has been more arrogant for a long time with good positions and bonuses, but he, as usual, remained out of work. The result is accumulated grievances that spill over into loved ones and into various illnesses.
There are many such examples that can be cited, but their essence will boil down to the contradiction between the innate properties of the psyche and the nature of a person’s work. To answer the question of what I really want from life means to realize my innate desires and character traits.
How to understand who I am
Innate desires or, in terms of the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan, vectors - everyone has their own. There are eight vectors in total - they are the ones that determine a person’s character, value system, sexuality and, of course, the desire to do something in life.
One is born with the character and mindset to become a business shark, while the other has the talent to teach or create beautiful things. We are different, and to understand who you are, you need to understand how to separate natural properties from everything that is often imposed by society, parents or fashion in professions.
The “System-Vector Psychology” training helps not only to realize your desires, but also to learn to understand others perfectly, which makes it possible to feel comfortable and at ease at work. Without getting involved in conflicts, communicate with colleagues in such a way as to achieve maximum results.
Remember your childhood dreams - have they changed much as you grew up? Or maybe, during the period of finishing school, the profession of a lawyer or the study of psychology was popular, and everyone aspired to these areas? Of course, a lot influences the choice of occupation in life, but you get real pleasure from work when you realize your natural desires and talents.
How to understand what I want
Our natural desires are always supported by properties for their successful implementation. For example, a person with a skin vector, whose life values- benefits and benefits, truly captivating work, where changes constantly occur, the creation of something new. For successful implementation in his work, he is naturally given a logical mindset, a flexible psyche, ambition and a passion for novelty.
If these natural talents are not used, the pleasure from work will be scanty or non-existent. Moreover, a passion for change can negatively affect relationships in a family or couple: a person with the skin vector may begin to look for novelty outside of work in affairs on the side.
People with the so-called anal vector have a desire to pass on experience and knowledge, forming an information connection between generations. They naturally have an excellent memory, the desire to always finish what they start, an analytical mind and attention to the smallest details.
If they are not adjusted, the result of the work will be perfect, and there will be no room for grievances or dissatisfaction. But flexibility or reaction speed are not their strong point, so it’s better not to choose a job in sales.
Those with a visual vector, whose eyes can distinguish hundreds of shades of the same color, and whose emotions are always over the edge, realize themselves best in work related to helping other people or creating beautiful things. They have a delicate taste, and their ability to empathize knows no bounds - they have a great influence on the formation of the culture of society as a whole.
Each of the eight vectors has its own desires, but there are people who find it truly difficult to understand what to do in life.
I want to know the meaning of life, but the rest is not interesting to me
Those with the sound vector are often reserved and love silence and solitude. They spend a lot of time in virtual reality, trying to find answers to difficult questions there: “What is the meaning of life?”, “Why do we live?”, “Who is God?”
Desires such as money, a dizzying career or creating a large family are of little interest to them. What is truly important for them is to find meaning in everything.
When you can't find it or understand what brings joy in life, sound people can become depressed. At Yuri Burlan’s training “System-vector psychology,” the desires of the sound vector and the secrets of interaction with other people are revealed. Not only do bad conditions go away, but it also becomes clear how to find something you like and get along well with others.
What do I need more: pleasure or money?
For most people nowadays, the issue of financial well-being is fundamental. And even without receiving much joy from work, we consciously agree to discomfort - for example, when we need to feed our family. The choice is, of course, yours, but by revealing the characteristics of your psyche, you can understand how to realize your desires without compromising the family budget.
When you can’t fully realize your desires at work, a hobby can become a real outlet. In addition, you can turn a hobby into income: for example, delight not only your loved ones with handicrafts, but also create for sale. Now there are many online platforms for craftsmen of any direction with many tips for promoting man-made miracles.
It is important to remember that prolonged inability to realize one’s natural properties and talents often leads to bad conditions. Melancholy sets in, anger arises at the whole world, or grievances accumulate, which are expressed in quarrels with loved ones or even in some psychosomatic diseases.
What to choose when you want everything at once
Psyche modern man usually has several vectors. This means that desires can be multifaceted and, often, contradictory to each other. Sometimes you want to be an accountant, and then suddenly you dream of working as a wedding planner.
You can, of course, periodically change your job and alternately realize your desires in different vectors. Or you can, having deeply understood the properties of your psyche, understand which work to give preference to and which activities to leave as a hobby. If you have a desire to learn something new, go ahead to the Internet. Now you can learn everything without even leaving home.
“...There was a certain anticipation of new discoveries of each coming day. I started going outside and now I can’t sit still for a minute. A new source of energy has appeared inside - the thirst for life..."
By revealing the properties of your character and understanding the desires of others, instead of the usual irritation and dissatisfaction, you will feel the joy of working and communicating with people. After all, it’s an amazing feeling when the person in front of you is like an open book.
The first steps towards understanding what you really want to do in life can be taken at the free online training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
Read often
We watch movies and video blogs, scroll through social media feeds, and communicate with friends and relatives. And the more intense the information noise around us, the more difficult it is to separate where our true dreams are and where those are imposed by others. But sooner or later this will have to be done. Because trying to realize “other people’s” desires, we ignore our own.
Find and neutralize
Even when you yourself don’t understand what you are striving for, you often clearly know what others expect from you. Their settings can be either an invaluable clue or a broken compass. To begin with, it is important to understand what came into your life “from outside”. Describe how your mom/dad/sister/boss and others wanted you to be. What did they advise you? What future did they predict? And How? Are you meeting their expectations? Maybe you're wasting your time to satisfy someone else's needs? After all, if the list of their expectations and wishes does not include the realization of your unique potential, it means that you were not pursuing your goals. Now imagine that everyone suddenly lags behind you. Relatives no longer ask when you will finally get married / ask for a promotion / get a second degree and so on. Will you still want it? Or will you realize that deep down your dreams lie in a completely different area?
Explore yourself
Imposed judgments live in us, even if we are not aware of it. We usually forget how and when we received this or that installation. A self-observation game will help you remember this. Its essence is simple: divide the pages of your notebook into three columns. In the first one, add facts that you notice about yourself, for example: “I only wear long skirts,” “I always dye my hair blond,” “I buy a certain type of coffee,” and so on. And in the second column, try to answer why you do this? Did you spy on a star or your parents? Do you like it yourself? Or “that’s the way it is”? “You can distinguish social attitudes by marker words: “obligated,” “should,” “needed,” says life coach Anna Rykova. “Try to pass them through the formula ‘I want, I can, I choose’.” For example, rewrite the phrase “I work because I have to” as “I don’t want to work.” I may not work. But I prefer to work to save up for trip around the world" Then it will become your conscious choice. In the third column, answer whether the imposed rule brings any bonuses (comfort, pleasure, money...)? If not, feel free to cut him out of your life.
Authentication
It is important to understand what is behind your motivation, what value or need. For example, you want sweets because you need to reward yourself or relax. But there is more than one way to satisfy your needs. And you can recognize their essence using the method of sequential questions. For example, you don’t know whether to give birth or not. Ask yourself why you need a child. Because “it’s time”? Because later you will regret that you didn’t give birth? Is this what your mom wants? Gradually eliminating unsuitable options, “peeling off the husks,” you will get to the true need. This is, for example, the mother's approval. Business coach Anna Gurevich calls this the “onion method.” Or, let’s say you’re unsure whether to break up with a man who doesn’t behave very respectfully. Ask the question: what does this novel mean to you? What is it for? What happens if you break up? As a result, two values will end up on the scales: relationships and self-esteem.
Don't put it off until tomorrow
You can determine your priorities using the simple “I always wanted” technique. Write a list of 100 things you dream of doing in life: run a marathon, get on the cover of a magazine, visit Tibet, etc. “It’s easy to write 30 paragraphs, but then stupor arises,” says Mikhail Moskotin, business coach at Business Relations. “The main thing in this matter is not to give up.” After writing everything a hundred, ask yourself a question: if I had five years left to live, which of these points would I implement? Circle the most important thing - this is how your real desires will appear.”
Turn off your head
Our mind may have millions of possible answers to a question, but it is difficult to determine which one is correct. “We think that we make decisions with our heads, but in reality, when it comes to intentions, about the future, we do not know what is really good for us,” says existential psychologist Vita Kholmogorova. “In fact, the choice is made not by consciousness, but by our subconscious, so when we are trying to find out “What do I really want?”, it is important not to turn on, but, on the contrary, turn off the brain and listen to the feelings.” Meditation techniques will help you achieve this. Relax, close your eyes, concentrate on your breathing and ask yourself: “What will happen if what I want actually happens?” In this inner silence you must face the sensation that arises. And if this is lightness, warmth, joy, then we are talking about a dream, the fulfillment of which will make you truly happy.
Fate man's way trial and error, self-education and other steps. I can do everything, I want everything, but how do I know what choice to make?
1. Take two hours of our time (undivided, personal and quiet) and sit down at the table
It is important. Not on the sofa, not on the bench, but at the table. We write down everything that we like to do and that interests us. Let it even be a stream of thoughts. It is important to write EVERYTHING.
Now put the paper aside and go to bed. The next day we looked at it soberly, analyzed it, and crossed out the outright nonsense. Now it’s easier - there is a basis and ways of direction.
2. Read, listen, visit
Over the course of a week or two, try reading/listening/visiting several places/events related to your chosen areas. Breathe the local air, feel the atmosphere.
3. What don't you like?
Let's go the opposite way and decide in the same way what we DO NOT like to do. For example, come to work with your mom/dad/other relatives and understand whether it’s yours or not. Did you see? I do not like? Hood. There is already something.
4. Internship
Any office/magazine/work place of your dreams is always in need of interns/volunteers. IT'S SO SIMPLE. Exactly. You just need to dial the authority’s phone number and ask about the internship conditions. Trying is not torture. Such an experience will “sober up” your ideas about future work in the best possible way and make it clear whether this is “it” or not.
5. Travel a lot and often if possible.
A closed space, the same circle of friends, communication often leads us to a dead end. There is an explosion in your head, a burst of inspiration and energy. You see how people live far and near, what they do.
6. Talk to older people
Age is not as important here as it is important life experience. Especially the experience of those who are already successful in their business and have achieved something. Ask for advice, be interested.
7. Club of interests
There are a lot of organizations for students/youth not only based on their interests, but also in a general direction, so to speak. There you can find like-minded people - one, have a good time - two. Three – often the people around us make us understand who WE really are.
8. Read a lot
9. Although it’s the ninth, it’s a very important point(!)
Please think with your own head. Not mom/dad/family/maternal aunts, but your own. YOU get to live and love what you do. These are your ambitions, life.
10. Make contacts
This is now called “networking” (from “network”, translated from English). Your interested and capable friends now will be in the future successful people, entrepreneurs, specialists. Be nicer to everyone. Really try to help others whenever possible. Such relationships with people are the building blocks of the future. What you do now is what you do later.
11. We know how to relax
You can’t always search hard for your calling. Have you thought about it? Doesn't work? Let's take a break and just relax.
12. But here’s the catch (see point 9) - listen to your family and friends
13. Test
Take a career aptitude test. I'm not laughing now. Thousands of psychologists and other specialists developed these types of tests for a reason. Every question and your answer to it has meaning. Whether to follow the test results or not is your choice.
14. Exhale, there’s not much left
So, let's try to get out of our comfort zone and do something we haven't tried before. We come up with 2-3 classes a week maximum and expand our horizons. Imagine that you are a guinea pig and a doctor at the same time. Observe your reactions to certain objects/activities/activities. Draw conclusions.
15. Last and most important
Are you ready? Be yourself. Seriously. Stop copying anyone if you have done it before. Someone's experience may not suit you, someone's views may differ from yours, and that's okay. Everyone has his own path. It is important to go through it yourself from beginning to end.
