Ecology of knowledge. What is resentment Resentment is a feeling of annoyance that arises as a result of the unexpected behavior of a person whom we did not recognize in time.

What is resentment

Resentment is a feeling of annoyance that arises as a result of the unexpected behavior of a person whom we did not recognize in time.

They usually say: “I did not expect such behavior from him, so I was offended.” Why didn't you expect it? Because I didn’t recognize that person in time. And if you learn to recognize people from the beginning, then there will be no offense.

Let's say I learned to recognize people from the beginning and know who will behave in a certain situation. Then such a situation arose and that person behaved exactly as I expected. Will I be offended? Let's imagine that you came out of the entrance and walked past a bench where an old woman was sitting with a dog. As you passed, the dog barked. Are you offended by the dog? Of course not! Because you expected such behavior from a dog.

Injustice of the offender

Resentment is often associated with injustice. They say: “That person acted unfairly towards me, so I was offended by him.” Maybe we need to fight injustice, not allow injustice, and then there will be no resentment at all.

But justice is a relative concept and everyone understands it differently. Different psychological types understand justice differently.

For example, a depressed person (melancholic) holds a grudge within himself and is convinced that he was treated unfairly. Although the one he was offended by does not think so. If a depressed person feels offended, he withdraws into himself and does nothing towards his offender. He only wants to restore justice and deprive the offender of the undeserved advantage that he received when he offended. But there is a desire to deprive another of advantages envy. In other words, the offended melancholic is in a state of envy.

An aggressive person (choleric) also considers an attempt to offend him or gain an advantage over him to be unfair. But unlike a melancholic person, he does not hold grudges in his heart, but immediately begins to act. To be more precise, in a choleric person envy (the desire to deprive another of an advantage) arises, but for a very short time, after which he immediately proceeds to the realization of envy, i.e. begins to take revenge. Revenge there is a process of taking away another advantage. He begins to restore justice (as he understands it). At the same time, he can behave aggressively. Aggression is restoration of justice by force. Any aggressor is convinced that he is restoring justice. Any war begins with the goal of restoring justice. Regardless of whether this war is defensive or offensive.

What to do if you are offended

If there is resentment, then inaction leads to envy and depression, and action leads to revenge and aggression. What to do?

Firstly, try not to get into unexpected situations, learn to recognize people and make an adequate forecast of the future. In this case, you have no need and no one to be offended - you have thought of all the main things, but is it worth being offended by the little things?

Secondly, if you are already offended, then do not keep the offense in your heart and do not act to restore justice, but throw the offense out of your heart and change the direction of movement.

Resentment has its positive side. Resentment is a sign that you miscalculated the situation and people and went in the wrong direction. You felt offended because you did not expect such a development of events, such behavior of people. But at the same time, the situation became clearer and we realized what and who we were wrong about. Clarification of the situation is a sign for us that we need to change the direction of action. Now we already have sufficient information to avoid misconceptions.

How to throw resentment out of your heart

They often ask: how can I get rid of resentment from my heart if I see my offender every day; As soon as I see it, I immediately remember the insult, the betrayal.

In such cases, the principle of isolation must be applied. Isolation can be physical or emotional. It is better to use emotional isolation. The degree of insulation must be appropriate to the risk of harm to you. You need to reduce your emotions towards the offender. That is, to have few positive and few negative emotions towards it, to reduce its significance.

Let's give a figurative example. What emotions do you get when you see a pillar? Positive or negative? Probably none! And when you see a trash can, do you cry or rejoice? Probably neither one nor the other. In the same way, you can have no emotion towards a person whom you could not recognize initially and who behaved shamelessly. Conscience is part of the truth, represented in this person. If a person does not know the truth, then where will his conscience come from?

You need to understand that nothing else could be expected from this person. You just didn’t recognize it initially, because... out of touch with reality, being preoccupied. They projected their dreams onto him. But after it showed itself, you already recognized it. If after this the offense persists, then you must realize that you are already offended at yourself, because... You realized that you don’t know how to recognize people.

You can’t deal with resentment and delve into the past. Let's imagine this situation figuratively. The man decided to take a shortcut through the field. Suddenly he poked his foot into the dung. One man immediately washed his boot in the puddle, changed direction and moved on. Two minutes later he forgot about it. Another person in this situation studies shoes for a year. Wow? And on the one hand, and on the other, green here, brown here... And then he lives on this.

It is necessary to isolate yourself from a traumatic situation by increasing the stability of mental processes and reducing impulsivity. A stable person is not offended, because... does not get into situations where you can be offended. He knows how to recognize people and knows who will behave in a given situation. He is able to make an adequate forecast of the future and develop a realistic strategic plan.

It should be noted that some people unconsciously strive for upheaval in life. They will be bored if everything happens according to a pre-planned plan. They strive for surprises and adventures. They need extreme sports and adrenaline. And, they have the right to do so. It's a person's choice. The above recommendations are not suitable for such people.

Forgiveness

They often say: we must forgive the offender, we must forgive our sins.

Forgiveness of sins is not our business. If a person has offended you and at the same time violated the principles of life, then he will encounter the laws of life, the laws of nature. And, he will be punished by life, nature, God. It doesn’t matter whether you forgive him or not. Even if you have forgiven, he will still face the laws of life and suffer.

We are not able to forgive and thereby cancel the punishment. We can only help a person put himself in order if he asks us to do so and if we have the appropriate skill and desire.

The risk of being offended increases when we are preoccupied with something and are frantically looking for someone or something in particular. In this case we project our representation onto a certain person, and wishful thinking. We partially move into the world of illusions, and then we encounter reality and get offended.

Don't go into a frenzy. Moderation is needed. He who knows when to stop is saved in this world.

Touchiness of various psychological types

Stable psychological types are less susceptible to offense. More impulsive. Right-brain people are more offended than left-brain people.

Below is a table of the probabilities of touchiness of various psychological types (in percentage).

Thus, intuitive impulsive psychotypes (melancholic people) are more offended than others. They are offended by logical impulsive psychotypes (cholerics). Cholerics themselves are also touchy, but they quickly turn to revenge. Resilient people take little offense and do little to offend others.

EXPLANATION OF TERMS USED

Resentment- there is a feeling of annoyance that arises as a result of unexpected behavior

A man whom we did not recognize in time.

Envy- there is a desire to deprive another of an advantage.

Revenge- there is a process of depriving another advantage.

Aggression- there is the restoration of justice by force.

True- there is information about the natural structure of the surrounding world.

Conscience- there is a part of the truth represented in a given person.

To be offended or not to be offended - we always have such a seemingly simple choice. Unfortunately, we are often not the best option.

Resentment is a negatively colored emotion that, if abused, turns our life into hell. We begin to replay in our memory the situation or the words that caused the offense we received. This feeling comes to us because of quarrels and indifference, jealousy and envy. Resentments make us feel pain, anger, rage, sadness, hatred, bitterness, disappointment, desire for revenge, grief. One... But!

Friends, I repeat - this is only our choice! If we get offended, we get into a bad mood, deprive ourselves of health, and attract negative events to ourselves. The more often we do this, the stronger devastating consequences from this feeling. If you choose not to be offended, you will make your life happier and more harmonious. How to stop being offended and learn not to be offended at all, getting rid of this negative feeling, will be discussed in this article.

Think about it: is it nice to know that we are not the creators of our own happiness, but only play the role of dogs on a leash, and the people around us yank us on these leashes at will? Is it pleasant for us to realize that our mood depends on someone else, but certainly not on us? Hardly. In fact, this is a real addiction. And our choice is freedom! After all, you can easily get rid of the leash (the habit of being offended) that society has hung on us. All you need is desire and a little awareness.

In this article we will find out how to stop being offended by getting rid of this bad habit forever. And at the same time we will free ourselves from old grievances. In the meantime, dear readers of Lifestyle and Lifestyle, with your permission, I will continue to exaggerate and describe the destruction that touchiness, especially increased sensitivity, brings to us.

So, What does it mean to be offended? This means giving in to your baser feelings, including habitual reactions to other people's bad behavior. Even the simplest single-celled organisms have a similar reaction, which always react the same way to a stimulus. But we are people, which means we have much more room for maneuver in our behavior. Understand, friends, being offended is not something that is not allowed, no. This is simply not a logical action - after all, by being offended, we thereby harm ourselves, burning our soul and health, and also attracting negativity into our lives.

But we, with an admirable persistence, continue to habitually take offense at our loved ones and ordinary acquaintances, at relatives and friends, at our fate and the whole world. We diligently cultivate our touchiness, cherish it and cherish it. Completely forgetting that...

… resentment - this is solely our own choice . Although, unfortunately, most often unconscious. This is a harmful stereotype that seems to have grown into most of us. We are offended - we are offended, we are offended - we are offended. And everything repeats itself in a circle throughout our lives. But this is wrong! That's why this article appeared, from which we learn how to stop being offended. Useful practical recommendations are written below, but in the meantime, please be a little patient, friends. After all, we need to clearly identify the enemy with whom we will fight and will definitely win. First you need to carefully study his habits in order to then strike the decisive blow. Fatality! (c) Mortal Kombat. So let's continue to explore insidious resentment. After all, our goal is to dance on her grave, and we are slowly but indomitably approaching the achievement of this good goal.

Resentment in the soul and heart

Experiencing resentment depresses us greatly. The worst thing is that a person can carry a grudge throughout his entire life. Old and deep grievances that we cannot forget do not allow us to live calmly and happily. After all, instead of enjoying every moment of this delightful life, we begin to replay in our heads long-past events, we diligently restore and construct dialogues with our offender. Our body returns again and again to that state where we are almost shaking, although outwardly this may not manifest itself in any way. Why mock yourself like that? All this is only because we cannot get rid of the resentment in our soul, the resentment in our heart. We cannot let go, forgive, forget. So this disgusting feeling of resentment undermines us, imperceptibly destroying our lives.

By the way, it should be noted that chronic, total resentment towards the whole world and the people around us individually is the first sign that something has not worked out in our lives. For example, we chose the wrong profession: we dreamed of creativity, but we work as a manager in an office. Or we were unable to build happy family relationships: we once made a mistake in our choice and now all we can do is feel sorry for ourselves, so offended and insulted. As a result, we live in the past and do not allow the present into ourselves, which, perhaps, is very kind and positive.

The worst thing here is that by constantly being offended, receiving new grievances and remembering old ones, we turn into collectors. Collectors of grievances. You can collect grievances throughout your life, and, as true collectors, we never want to part with a single copy. Resentments accumulate, and we savor each of them with “pleasure”. We do not let them fade into oblivion, because grievances have long become a part of us. And that’s why it’s so difficult to admit to ourselves that we’ve already spent too much time on our touchiness. It is much easier to continue to live in the illusion of being right and the injustice of this world.

Old grievances are like unhealed wounds that we ourselves scratch and make bleed. Instead of forgiving the offense or even completely getting rid of the habit of being offended, we stubbornly torment ourselves, causing pain and suffering. Damn it, what kind of masochism is this?

“But the truth is behind us!” - we tell ourselves, which is why we feel offended and insulted. This is how we justify ourselves. We feel almost universal injustice. How dare they do this to us?! Alas, even if they really treated us badly, we only finish ourselves off with our resentment. To be offended means to revel in pity for oneself, unjustly offended.

There are always plenty of reasons for resentment. We have the ability to choose what we pay attention to in this life. With our thoughts and our choices we attract to ourselves what we receive. If a person shows increased sensitivity, then rest assured that there will definitely be reasons to be offended. And the worst thing that can happen is that the resentment can become part of this person forever.

Yes, they say that time heals grievances. Most often this is true, but there is one thing. Resentment that is regularly fed can remain in the heart and soul forever, poisoning our lives. Hidden resentment simply eats us up from the inside, which is why the colors of life fade, and more and more reasons to be offended appear again and again. But this is not what life was given to us for! And, if we were honest with ourselves, we would never wish such a fate on ourselves. Friends, it's not too late to change everything. There is an exit!

How to stop being offended?

Friends, below you will read 8 reasons why you shouldn't be offended . Please try to understand and feel each point separately. We need to remember this and put it into practice every time resentment begins to boil within us. Under no circumstances should you scold yourself if you fall into the trap of resentment again. Everything will happen gradually, everything has its time. But be sure to praise yourself when you succeed. It’s so nice to see that our actions and mood gain independence. It's nice to know that you and only you are the captain of your ship. So, over time, the bad habit of being offended will disappear by itself. As they say, “a holy place is never empty,” and this means that in our lives there will be many more miracles and joy that will come instead of useless resentment. And that is great! Ready?

1) Nobody owes us anything. You just need to understand and accept one simple thing - no one in this world is obliged to conform to our ideas. No one is obliged to act towards us as we think is right. Just think: do we fulfill everyone else's expectations without exception? Most likely, this does not always happen or does not happen at all, and this is completely natural. Our life is our life. First of all, we are interested in solving our problems, and only after that - in helping other people. Therefore, we should not be offended by other people, because they also do not owe us anything.

2) Remember and appreciate only the good. To stop being offended, you should always remember positive traits the character of our offender. After all, there is something beautiful in every person. Often we concentrate on one annoying offense of this person, but do not take into account all the good things that he did for us earlier. That is, we take goodness for granted, but when we are offended, we often make mountains out of molehills, forgetting about everything else (the good). In principle, this is natural: human body It’s designed in such a way that negative emotions affect us more than positive ones. Perhaps this is due to survival in primitive times, when fear and anger spurred ancient people to survive. But that time has long passed. Therefore, friends, stop being offended, because offense destroys us and, moreover, it is completely meaningless.

And please, never forget that you quickly get used to good things. If a person treats us well, this does not mean that this will always be the case. And this does not mean that other people should also treat us well. It is optimal to take all good things not for granted, but as a gift. And rejoice at such gifts with all your heart.

“Forget insults, but never forget kindness” © Confucius

3) No one is eternal. The person we are offended by today may not be there tomorrow. As a rule, only in such sad situations do we finally realize how petty and absurd our grievances were. For example, you should never be offended by fathers and mothers, grandparents. Because then it will be very difficult for us to forgive ourselves when these loved ones suddenly pass away. Only then do we suddenly clearly realize how boundless and crystal clear the care emanated from them. Even if they went too far at times, even if they did a lot of things wrong, but all this was out of great love for us. Please, friends, don't let this happen. Live here and now, appreciate the present moment - then there is no time left for grievances!

4) Accept responsibility for everything that happens to us. For everything that happens in our lives is the result of our own choice. Nothing is in vain! For example, a person who is trying to offend us may be sent to us so that we can learn something. And our other potential offender may reveal his true appearance, for which we should also be grateful.

By the way, it is useful to follow the simple motto of smart people: “ Smart people They don’t get offended, they draw conclusions.” For example, your friend who missed an appointment and didn’t even call back could have done this for several reasons. Firstly, something could have happened to her. Secondly, circumstances may have developed in such a way that she did not have the opportunity to warn you. Thirdly, maybe she is simply indifferent to you. In none of these three cases is there any point in being offended. And in the latter case, it is worth drawing a conclusion and ridding yourself of such relationships.

8) Resentment attracts negative events into our lives. Friends, you know about the saying that like attracts like? By dwelling on our grievances, we allow negativity into our lives. Events happen to us that provoke us to continue to experience negative feelings and emotions. And if we give in, we will get bogged down even deeper in this swamp. The feeling of resentment that we experience serves as a kind of target for all sorts of misfortunes and misfortunes. The more resentment we have in our souls, the more likely it is that our lives will turn dark. And vice versa, the more positive our inner world, the more happiness we encounter in the external. Stop being offended, friends. The time has come to move towards your goal, towards your dream, towards your happiness, and resentment, you understand, is not our help here.

How to forgive an insult?

The main thing in the forgiveness technique proposed below is a sincere desire to get rid of resentment, forgive and free yourself. Don’t just mechanically perform the exercise, but do it consciously, so that in the end your soul becomes light and joyful. So that the heavy burden will fall from our shoulders, and we can breathe deeply without any worries or regrets. Let's get started! Here is the setting for our subconscious:

I forgive you (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for the fact that you...

I forgive myself for being...

Forgive me (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for...

The meaning of this technique for forgiving grievances is as follows. Why forgive the offender is clear and without explanation. We need to forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness from our offender (mentally) because the world is a mirror reflection of our inner. It is necessary to realize that we ourselves attracted a bad situation into our lives, and the offender only reacted to our thoughts, state, and fears. When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, we simply don’t want to be offended by anyone. The more clearly we begin to understand how and why we were offended, the easier it becomes for us to forgive the offender. By the way, we need to forgive ourselves for the simple reason that when we take offense at ourselves, we experience a feeling of guilt, which means we attract punishment into our lives. Which leads to the repetition of negative situations when we are intentionally or accidentally offended.

It is optimal to perform forgiveness of grievances before going to bed; during the night our subconscious will do all the work, and we will not even notice it. We won’t notice the work, but we will notice the result. The resentment will become much weaker or go away altogether. If grievances remain, then they should be repeated. You can also perform the proposed technique during the day, the main thing is not to get hung up on it, but to understand that everything will go smoothly and easily. We only need to give instructions to our subconscious, everything else is not our concern.

Friends, after one or several uses of this simple technique, you yourself will notice that the offense is forgiven and our lives become calmer. You will completely naturally and without any violence against yourself stop thinking about it: the offense that previously seemed so important will no longer cause any response. Thus, the question “how to forgive an offense?” from now on, from now on, will not stand in front of you. And this makes it so good and calm!

Of course, this technique is not for everyone. After all, we need to have the strength to admit that everything we receive, including insults, is our choice. We ourselves are responsible for this, directly or indirectly. If we find the strength to pacify our pride and sense of self-importance, then the rest is a matter of technique.

CONCLUSION

“They carry water for the offended” (c) Russian people

Dear readers of SZOZH, in this article I set myself the task of showing you the meaninglessness of insults and resentment. Resentment not only does not solve the problem, but is also harmful for many reasons, which we have discussed in detail today.

I hope, guys, that if you ever decide to take offense, you will definitely remember our advice. And you will right choice! And we will be incredibly happy if the moment comes when you, without prevarication, can say with complete confidence: “I never take offense!” And even if you are offended (after all, none of us are perfect), then you can easily forgive the offense thanks to the technique of forgiveness and you will live happily and without any sadness. After all, learning not to be offended is a very useful skill that significantly improves the quality of our lives.

I would like to complete the article about grievances and methods of dealing with them with the words of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, better known as Osho. Are you offended? Then print out this text, go to the mirror and read loudly, with expression and a serious look:

“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to their nature if I don’t like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment. Oh, let him see how important this is - my offense, let him receive it as punishment for his “misdemeanor”. After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life. I don’t value my life so much that I don’t mind wasting her precious time on being offended. I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a minute of playfulness; I would rather give this moment to my resentment. And I don’t care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I don’t mind spending years of my life in resentment - after all, I don’t value my life. I don't know how to look at myself from the outside. I'm very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who offends it. I’ll hang a sign on my forehead that says “Beware of Evil Dog,” and just let someone try not to notice it! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity to forgive, a drop of self-irony to laugh, a drop of generosity not to notice, a drop of wisdom not to get caught, a drop of love to accept. After all, I am a very, very important turkey!” © Osho

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If you see that your friend neglects your interests or the one you love behaves with you completely differently than you expect, then an unpleasant feeling arises, which we call resentment. The more we are connected by feelings with another person, the more to a degree it can become a source of good and bad emotions. We take offense at our loved ones, as well as those with whom we are connected by some kind of agreement, explicit or implicit. In order to be offended, we must also recognize the offender as similar to ourselves. I will not be offended by a stupid person or a person who is now out of his mind. But if it is a friend, lover, wife, mother, brother, then I may be offended. Emotion arises from the collision of my model, which I have thrown onto reality, in this case the behavior of another, with the real behavior of this other. Let us highlight at least three elements here: a) my expectations regarding the behavior of a person oriented towards me; how should he behave if he is my friend; b) behavior of this other person that deviates from my expectations in an unfavorable direction; c) our emotional reaction caused by the discrepancy between our expectations and the behavior of another.

Why do we still get offended? Yes, simply because we believe that the other person is rigidly programmed by our expectations, we deny his right to independent action. Once we consider why he did not do what I expected, we will see that he had something that excluded the possibility of behavior consistent with our expectations.

Resentment stems from the desire to program another. And if we recognized him as an independent being who determines his own behavior, then we would have no reason to be offended by him.

Another is capable of offending me only because I deny his reality, and he turns out to be real, and, moreover, in a completely different way than what I expect.

By being offended, I exploit the love of another and control his behavior, punishing him with guilt. When two people interact, the resentment of one is necessarily complemented by the feeling of guilt of the other; it appeals to this feeling of guilt. If the other is not capable of experiencing guilt, resentment becomes useless and dysfunctional. We are not offended by those who do not love us.

The more significant my expectations are, the more desires are embodied in these expectations, the stronger the reaction to the discrepancy with reality. Further. The greater the discrepancy between expectations and reality, the stronger the emotion. Therefore, you can ease the offense either by reducing the significance of your expectations, or by reducing the discrepancy, making your expectations more realistic, consistent with the behavior of the other.

There will be no offense if my mind stops:

1) build unrealistic expectations, that is, he will not be mistaken in predicting the behavior of the other.

2) there will be no resentment if my mind does not attach special importance to its expectations, does not associate any satisfaction, joy or well-being with the behavior attributed to another person.

3) resentment can be completely destroyed and will fade away even before it has arisen, if you refuse to evaluate the behavior of another, that is, compare the observed behavior of another person with my expectations, even if they are unmistakable and realistic.

4) if I am able to realize and fulfill the first three requirements, then it turns out that it is impossible to offend me precisely because I simply accept the other as he is.

It is in my power to perform the mental acts of attributing certain behavior to my partner or not.

It is in my power to stop working on developing resentment. And it is much easier to restrain yourself at first than from the moment when the resentment has already arisen and begins to act according to its program.

My mind is disobedient, elusive, and I cannot stop it, since these mental operations proceed automatically by themselves, according to the habit of my mind to act one way and not another. Habits consist precisely in the fact that they act without the participation of consciousness, by themselves. You can say: “My resentment is my bad mental habits.”

I need to fix in my memory: “I cannot stop these mental actions as long as they are carried out unconsciously. But if I manage to become aware of them, then I am able to control these actions, and it will be in my power whether to perform them or not. Therefore, as I become aware of the underside of my emotions, I will gain power over them.

Resentment is unpleasant. Resentment is suffering that arises in the most “tender part of the soul”, which everyone tries to avoid. It, like any suffering, arouses defensive actions. Among them, the most ancient are flight and attack with the corresponding emotions of fear and anger.

When I am angry, it is easier for me, since psychic energy is taken away from resentment and consciousness is concentrated in the emotion of anger. In anger, I stop feeling hurt.

Anger takes away mental energy from resentment and takes it for its own use, because energy is needed to realize anger in aggressive behavior. Therefore, as soon as I start to get angry, the offense is relieved, since my thoughts are only occupied with how to inflict some damage on the offender in return. Those who are offended are always angry and aggressive.

Since by definition I love the offender, a conflict arises: anger at the one I love. I refrain from overt attack, but I attack the offender in my mind. This aggression and pent-up anger is destroying my body and causing illness. Touchy people are always sick.

Resentment destroys our body by the fact that it includes mental aggression, thoughts in which we punish the offender, and this cannot but deplete our immune system, which comes into a state of readiness to participate in a good fight, provided for by the ancient instincts preserved in human habit.

If I restrain my anger and do not show it outside, then it concentrates inside and stimulates the work of memory aimed at remembering past grievances. Outwardly, everything seems to be calm, but the tension increases and will always find a reason to spill out.

To judge another person means to commit stupidity, a mistake, because you have to compare a person with something impersonal, with some standard. Anyone who understands this can easily give up comparison and will easily recognize the essence of their offense.

Accepting another is easier if I try to understand him, accept him as free and free to do as he pleases. By accepting him, I understand his motives, his emotions, his desires, his attitude towards me.

Resentment intensifies if you think: “I cannot forgive him, because he is wrong, unfair.” When I think that the offender is wrong, unjust, but according to my expectations he should be right and fair, the discrepancy in my soul increases and resentment also increases. To radically eliminate resentment, unconditional forgiveness of the offender is required.

Accepting another as he is, without ceasing to love him and without changing his attitude towards him, is the essence of forgiveness. To forgive means to accept him as he is. Resentment dissolves in the warmth of forgiveness. It becomes easier for us from the moment we accept another unconditionally.

Resentment is a rather painful method of controlling the behavior of the offender, who is punished by feelings of guilt for not meeting my expectations. When a mother controls her loved ones, often taking offense and creating a feeling of guilt in them, then she, without knowing it, uses a cruel and merciless means of influence. They love her, and those who love her are completely defenseless against feelings of guilt.

I do not know a more harmful creature for a child than a touchy and overly sensitive mother, who mercilessly exploits her love for her and creates a neurosis of guilt, although she is not to blame for this, since she does not know what she is doing, that is, she does it unconsciously.

For sanogenic [positive, healing] memory cleansing, you do not need to try to forget grievances, as is usually recommended by home-grown psychologists, but on the contrary, for the act of extinction, you need to remember grievances, but correctly and sanogenically. For sanogenic extinction, it is enough, in a state of well-being and calm, to imagine the situation of a past offense, remember and think about all its elements in accordance with the structure that you already know: your expectations, the behavior of another, the act of comparison.

Repeating images of unpleasant feelings in a state of rest leads to the removal of mental energy from these mental structures, which will lead to general relaxation and peace, therefore, for mental health, it is important to learn:

– bring yourself to a state of calm;

– remember in detail the necessary circumstances and your conditions, and not forget them.

The false wisdom “forget everything bad, and you will feel good” usually leads to the accumulation of energy in the unconscious, which will inevitably give rise to illness.

By focusing on the offense itself, and not on the offender and the circumstances of the offense, I distance myself from the offense and thereby deprive it of its ability to program my behavior. The energy of resentment is taken away and weakened, therefore the art of detachment, making the emotion itself an object of speculation, is the art of regulating emotions.

To control an emotion, it is not enough to restrain it, but you also need to be able to make it an object of mental contemplation. Holding back until a certain point intensifies the emotion, so it is impossible to cope with emotions through direct containment. Suspension required.

If I contemplate my offense, that is, I try, through sanogenic thinking, to understand the source of the origin of my expectations, evaluate their realism, understand the offender, then detachment from the offense occurs easily. It’s even better if I understand the harmfulness of resentment. Harmful and unpleasant things are repulsive, and you need to use this impulse.

If an emotion has a certain function of adaptation in communication, then it should not be completely suppressed. If I am offended, but I am not offended, then the offender feels discouraged, dissatisfied, and sometimes he thinks that he is not loved, not respected, that he is not significant for the offended person, since he is not offended. This can lead to relationship breakdown.

If I do not outwardly express my emotional state, the offender will think that he is behaving correctly and will continue to make mistakes, disorganizing his environment.

Without being offended, I upset my loved one. After all, it is important for the offender to offend me and receive his share of the blame. If there is no resentment in another person, he defines this either as his failure or as a loss of his significance.

If you are offended, be offended. You are ashamed - be ashamed. You shouldn't hide your feelings.

If you have thought through the offense, decomposing it into elements (your expectations, acceptance of the other, detachment), and thereby weakened it, then, by actually playing out the offense, demonstrating it to the offender, you simultaneously achieve the benefit, namely, you extinguish the offense, your minus becomes a plus. Such repetition of an insult does not consolidate it, developing the trait of touchiness, but, on the contrary, becomes an extinction of the insult, which gradually eliminates your trait of personal touchiness.

It will be impossible to offend you if you have managed to play out in your mind the main and possible offenses that could be inflicted on you. By doing this, you clear your future of grievances and gain emotional strength. Along the way, you maintain your relationship: the offender must be satisfied and, for his own benefit, suffer the right amount of guilt.

Imitation, playback of emotions and feelings is used in almost all types of psychotherapy. We suggest that you do this not only in special conditions when the session is taking place, but at any time, in your mind or in a real situation.

It seems to me that everyone among their acquaintances has someone who is constantly offended. You didn't get a chance to go out for coffee with him and he's already sulking. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? And okay, if it’s some acquaintance, communication with whom is not so important, but if it’s your mother, brother, sister or your partner, life becomes much more difficult.

But today we want to talk not about how difficult it is with these people, but to try to teach you to love them. After all, in fact, touchy people are the best among us. And today the editorial office "So simple!" will try to prove it to you.

Touchy man

By itself resentment- a natural emotion, it arises in response to injustice. Most often, this is a reaction to a situation where you expected something, but did not receive it. Many people claim that they are not offended at all, but this is not true. Touchiness is inherent in every person, it’s just that, as with pain, there is a threshold.

For some it is high, these are the so-called thick-skinned people. You can’t get over them with trivial everyday situations, but they also have their downsides. However, this is another story, but for now about those whose threshold for touchiness is extremely low. Often such people are considered weak-willed and annoying.

Indeed, it is more difficult to communicate with them, because they take every word personally, and you have to constantly think about what you are saying. Sharp jokes and jokes are not perceived by them as you would like. Everyone wants an easy conversation, where you don’t have to check every word.

But let's look at all this from the other side. Touchy people are actually very good, but they are very complex. And all these complexes, in turn, give rise to an inflated level of self-criticism, which is where all the grievances come from; they take everything too close to their hearts. But self-criticism is not so bad trait character.

The inner world of a touchy person is a set of very subtle feelings. In addition to the standard set of feelings, they also have a feeling of undeserved resentment raging there. It’s quite difficult to live with him, and most importantly, it’s not their fault that they are so vulnerable.

But such people are excellent at compassion and rarely offend others. Thanks to the storm inside them, they have an excellent sense of words and intonation. They are very delicate, but it is also important for them that a person knows how to choose words in a conversation with them.

Communication with such people makes us better. Just think, if this person is dear to you, you will be more demanding of yourself, and you will also try to be as delicate as possible, you will begin to monitor your speech and intonation. Thanks to this, a person becomes better. If you learn to talk to a touchy person without hurting his feelings, then you will have no equal in the art of communication.

So these fragile and vulnerable people make us much better, develop good qualities in us. And also, as a rule, they are not vindictive and by talking with them, all grievances can be smoothed over. We offer you a couple of tips that will help you communicate with a touchy person.

How to communicate with a touchy person

Let's be honest, touchy people sometimes cross their boundaries. Therefore, you need to be able to talk to them and resist their grievances. We do not encourage you to constantly encourage grievances; sometimes you need to fight them. Need to look for this one golden mean, and here are a couple of tips for this.

Living and communicating with touchy people is not easy, but they make us and our lives better. If you try and make an effort, you can build strong relationships with such people. Patience pays off, believe me.

Photo: Iakov Filimonov/Rusmediabank.ru

“What kind of girl is this if she never gets offended or capricious?” - some men think and indulge women’s whims, considering them one of them side effects close relationships. And the female half is happy to try, inventing new grievances. Meanwhile, touchiness is not at all a sign of feminine charm; it indicates a low level of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intellect

Emotional intellect(EI; English emotional intelligence, EI) - a person’s ability to recognize emotions, understand the intentions, motivations and desires of other people and their own, as well as the ability to manage their emotions and the emotions of other people in order to solve practical problems.

A mature and developed person does not have such a trait as touchiness. He is inclined to forgive and correct his behavior if it offends someone.

The situation is different for those whose emotional intelligence is not developed. That’s when constant touchiness, tearfulness, capriciousness, etc. appear on the face. Each of us can and should increase our emotional intelligence and become a mature person responsible for our words and actions.

How resentment manifests itself

Everyone has their own ways of showing offence, some individuals can simply give a head start to those who do not yet know how to take offense, it sometimes takes on such sophisticated forms. Which for example?

silent;
pout;
tears and sighs;
response negative manifestations(for example, refusal of help, walks, usual rituals, rudeness, etc.);
vengeance;
searching for evidence of justice;
demonstrations and public performance;
involvement of additional witnesses and arbitrators.

It is necessary to distinguish situational grievance, which is caused by the partner’s negative behavior and serves to correct his behavior and does not last long, from. Perhaps a person cannot or does not want to convey his vision of the situation to his partner in some other way and explain to him what exactly upset and offended him. And for some time he pouts his lips and takes a pose: he becomes silent, demonstratively does not communicate or greet, etc. This is a situational reaction. It is harmless, and sometimes even necessary.

But there is another situation. When resentment takes hold chronic nature and is even caused by the quite adequate behavior of the victim (this is exactly what someone who is covered with guilt looks like). It is with this kind of resentment that something needs to be done. Otherwise, it will destroy your relationships, your health, and your personality.

Why does a person react this way?

comes from childhood, when the child learned to interact with his parents, he manipulated them and tested their strength, plunging them into a state of guilt and getting his way. The habit of achieving what you want with the help of manipulative behavior in the form of resentment passes into adulthood.

The offended person is not confident in himself, and he wants to punish the one who offended him, show him his true value, force him to be attentive, show care and love. Man with adequate self-esteem will never lure attention and appreciation through manipulation, such as resentment. He doesn’t need them, because he knows his own worth and does not humiliate himself with insults.

An emotionally immature person does not know how to properly respond to a partner’s inappropriate behavior, to his hurtful words, decisions, etc. And he prefers to withdraw into himself and fan the fire from sparks and wood chips. As a rule, the harsh words of people close to us fall from their lips in moments of emotional fatigue, from lack of feedback, from boredom, from the inability to say directly what worries us. It’s the same with offense; it’s always easier to be offended than to get to the roots of anxiety and dispel the fog of mutual misunderstanding. This is how someone who has not learned to communicate reacts and does not want to bother with empathy or tolerance. Looks for easy ways in communication. But in the end he gets complications, stop communication and many others. negative consequences to the point of loneliness.

This is a manifestation of infantilism, that is, the inability to take responsibility for one’s life and the expectation that someone else will take it. Resentment arises from unjustified expectations, imagined ideal relationships and other fantasies about the people around us.

This is a manifestation of narcissism, increased self-love, the desire to put oneself at the forefront and to be the navel of the earth.

Nobody likes to be guilty, and he avoids this state in every possible way. And if at first he tries to improve, then with the constant use of offense as a means of communication, people psychologically move away from the one who makes them feel guilty, break up with him and look for more comfortable hugs.

How to deal with resentment

Resentment destroys people and human relations. And we must fight it. How?

Don't hoard it. Try to resolve all conflicts as quickly and correctly as possible. “To do this we will have to be humiliated!” - this is what some people think and with tenacity worthy of better use, they try to stand their ground and turn away, retreating into their shell. And they saw and saw sawdust, and at the same time their own nervous system. But explaining the situation has nothing to do with humiliation. On the contrary, the ability to let go of grievances and exclude them from one’s life is a manifestation high level emotional intelligence.

Avoid . Resentment arises when someone does not say something and reacts spontaneously, sometimes not being able to explain to himself the reasons for his actions. If you get into the good habit of explaining to each other the reasons for your dissatisfaction, you won’t have to be offended. It's always better to say what you want, what you like or don't like, than to pout and put the other person in the awkward position of being guilty.

Think about others. Put yourself in the shoes of another person and try to understand their behavior. When you think more about others, there is no time left for self-pity and accumulation of negativity.

Develop emotional intelligence.