Sem007
Good afternoon, I have no more strength, so I decided to write to the site. My relationship with my parents has always been good; as a child I was a very obedient, calm and not problematic child. Mom has always been like a friend to me, no secrets or secrets, everyone was always together, everything was decided and discussed. I am very grateful to my parents for everything I have and I love them very much. But for the last two years I've been in a terrible situation, my native home for me it became a place of moral torture, and it’s all about my young man. They simply hate him and don’t want to know or hear that we are together. This, of course, is my fault (at one time I said a lot of unnecessary things about him), now all this is being used against us. Of course, they would like to see a more positive and promising person next to me and want only the best for me, but this is also impossible. I was constantly bullied at home, constantly told how bad I am and how bad he is, they wrote SMS that made me not want to live, they didn’t talk for months. I took it all very hard, constant tears and bad thoughts. Then everything seemed to calm down after four months, they began to communicate with me normally, but did not forget to throw mud at and insult my martyr at any opportunity (at the same time they do not communicate with him at all). They think that they are doing better for me, but it turns out the opposite, my psyche can no longer stand it. There is no desire to prove or explain anything to them about our feelings, since they have built their own vision for themselves and everything that I don’t explain will turn against me, and why should I make excuses for my feelings. I don’t know what to do, they seem to be adults, but they behave like harmful children who want everything to be just the way they want it.
Sem007, hello! It happens that the choice of a life partner is not liked by other family members - after all, this is your personal choice for yourself, you made it without taking into account the opinions of other family members. Your family has the right to their opinion and they are not obliged to simply obey your decision and your choice. They have the right not to accept someone they don’t like as a family member, and to actively defend their opinion. Especially if you yourself gave them information that spoiled the image of your young man and put him in an unsightly light.
It may take years for a young man to correct his opinion of himself or for your family to come to terms with the fact that he has become part of their family - through the birth of grandchildren, for example, or if he helps the family in a difficult situation.
How long have you been communicating with a young man? How serious is your relationship, are there any plans to start a family with him?
Sem007
Irina Kornilova, we have known each other for 5 years and been together for 1.5 years. We want to get married in the near future, because we recently found out that we are expecting a child. For a family, such news is like a whole tragedy, from the series your life is over. Yes, in a good way this is my life, my choice, we ourselves must decide what and how, but it’s still painful and offensive, I don’t even mind that they won’t communicate with each other, but I don’t understand why they should finish me off and spread rot like that.
Sem007, if you decide to go against the opinion of your family, then you need to be prepared that they will also not agree with you on everything and accept everything the way you decided. You understand that your future husband is their future relative, who will now be forever connected with your family through your common children. And, if your relatives do not trust him and are afraid that he will bring problems to the family, then they will protect themselves and their well-being in various ways. You not only chose your husband, but also influenced the lives of those closest to you - so this is not only your personal matter.
Is your boyfriend doing anything to win over your parents and help you resolve this conflict? Does he do anything that your family would appreciate and would look at him differently?
Sem007
Irina Kornilova, I understand this (((which is also to blame for them to some extent. Hmm, it looks like nothing will help me.
Sem007, your young man can help if he is interested in changing the attitude of your family towards him and does some significant things that can endear your mother to him. In the end, after the birth of a grandson, if your husband is a good father, then this can melt your mother’s heart, for example.
Sem007
Sem007, your young man can help if he is interested in changing the attitude of your family towards him and does some significant things that can endear your mother to him. In the end, after the birth of a grandson, if your husband is a good father, then this can melt your mother’s heart, for example.
Oh, I hope we will try to establish contact...
Sem007, this is a good solution - to establish contact. After all, if your parents are wary of your man, then over time he can remove this negativity towards himself, proving that they were so worried in vain and he did not bring any disaster to the house.
Resolution Action Program conflict may include several stages: identifying the conflict problem; searching for solutions to neutralize it; development of a permit procedure; implementation of a conflict resolution plan; assessment of the correctness of the decision made.
Highlighting the problem of conflict. First you need to acknowledge the existence of a conflict. Don’t think that everything will resolve itself, but, without wasting time, correctly identify the problem that led to the conflict. The technology for identifying the problem is as follows. The conflicting parties must express their point of view on the problem. Only those teachers or parents who are directly involved in the conflict should be included in such a dialogue. The participation of members of conflicting groups must be voluntary and informed. The most difficult role is that of the person who undertakes to resolve the conflict. He will have to act as an arbitrator. And to do this, you need to step back from personal passions and interests and observe from the outside. the main objective participation of such a person - to identify factors that each party missed, analyze them and give them a competent assessment.
Finding solutions to neutralize it. After identifying the conflict problem, a joint search for its resolution begins. Here the position of conflict resolution management is subtler. It is necessary to encourage the parties to the conflict to speak out about the proposed ways out of the current situation. It is important to take into account the fact that in a conflict situation people do not like to have their proposals evaluated. They are more active in generating ideas if they are not waiting for evaluation, especially from the outside. It is very important to choose one from the proposed ideas that would take into account the opinions of both parties and satisfy their requirements.
Development of a conflict resolution procedure. The existence of a conflict is recognized by all participants. Here it is important to develop the “rules of the game”: who, when, in what composition and where will discuss unresolved problems. The main thing at this stage is to stop fruitless disputes. It is important to develop criteria for a positive resolution of the conflict and establish deadlines for its resolution. The deadlines must be agreed upon and accepted by all parties to the conflict. All interested parties participate in this action.
Implementation of a conflict resolution plan . The main action at this stage is to immediately begin to resolve the conflict after the parties have agreed on it. If you hesitate, the parties begin to suspect each other and the “permit” conflict situation in insincerity and deceit. It is useful to involve informal leaders of the team in resolving the conflict, having previously found out their position on the issue at hand. There are such leaders in every parent community.
Like any activity, the implementation of a conflict resolution plan can be successful under the following conditions:
* creating an atmosphere of cooperation;
* understanding of all parties to the conflict;
* transferring the conflict from an emotional state to a rational one;
* accounting individual characteristics teachers involved in the conflict;
* neutralization of sluggish conflict processes, promoting its resolution;
* search for optimal methods of conflict management;
* regulation of relationships between participants in the conflict;
* use of internal school information in deriving some of the claims from the conditions of the conflict;
* designation of your position - an impartial judge.
Assessing the correctness of the decision made. At this stage, the effectiveness of the actions of the members of the conflict situation is assessed. The most important thing is to ensure that the maximum number of participants is satisfied. It is hardly possible to achieve complete agreement; there will always be one or two people who disagree with the decision made. The most important criterion is the end of the conflict. After the successful implementation of the decision made, it is useful to return to the discussion again and find out whether this decision suits the majority of the parent team or not? If not, why not, what prevents its implementation. If the majority is disappointed in the decision taken, you need to accept the new, going through all the above stages. The teacher should be bolder in making a new decision and not be afraid to change the situation. “The one who walks will master the road!” I would like to end the conversation about conflicts in the school environment with the words of the great Roman thinker, politician and orator Cicero: “It is common for every person to make mistakes, but it is not common for anyone except a fool to persist in his mistake.”
Parents may or may not agree with the school’s requirements and may accept them partially. The main thing in the interaction of two institutions - family and school is that any wrong step does not have a painful impact on the main participant in possible conflicts or parental claims - the child.
How can parents and teachers find a common language?
ADVICE FROM AN EXPERIENCED TEACHER
To parent notebook
❀ Try to see teachers not as rivals, but as comrades.
❀ Remember - parents are not teachers, they need the help of a teacher.
❀ Take a sincere interest in your child's school problems.
❀ Always try to support teachers in the eyes of the child.
❀ Do not use the information received about the conditions of upbringing in other families.
❀ Tell the teacher about aspects of your children’s character that are hidden from them.
❀ Remember - the main principle of joint work between school and family is “Do no harm!”
❀ If you are tempted to conflict, think about what this will lead to.
Notes to Grandma and Grandpa
❀ Tell your children that it is better to resolve any matter peacefully.
❀ Try to go to school with your grandchildren’s parents.
❀ Support parents' desire to participate in class activities.
❀ Use your wisdom in preventing emerging conflicts.
❀ Try not to participate in the conflict, even if it is initiated by your daughter or son-in-law.
– The first thing, it seems to me, where a young man should begin to solve his relationship problems with his parents is to understand his mother and father. how would you , as a psychologist and mother, could help children of any age understand why conflicts arise in their families and how to learn to understand their parents in these conflicts? We are talking about problems of various kinds: harsh interference in the life of a teenager, presenting him with incomprehensible or severe demands and, conversely, a lack of parental attention. In general, about everything that we call “dislike.”
– Since the beginning of the twentieth century, when terrible events took place in Russia, the people were placed in conditions where not only men had to work. Circumstances began to actively push the woman to work in order to bring that piece of bread on which the children could simply survive.
And to this day, we are creating such social conditions under which the mother is “pushed out” of the family and ceases to fulfill her function as a “guardian angel” of the family and children. Its former function - to give children as much affection, warmth, and comfort as possible - is being replaced by concern for earning money.
– If relations between parents deteriorate, scandals occur, separation is brewing, can the child do anything? I'm talking about children from 15 to 20 years old. How should they behave?
– The family is actually a single whole, it is single organism. We seem to be different - just like, say, the liver and the hand - organs are completely different both functionally and structurally, but each of them performs its function in the whole organism. In the same way, the family must be treated as a whole. If something happens somewhere, the whole body becomes ill. Therefore, when parents begin to quarrel, sort things out, and run away, it is a terrible tragedy for the children.
To make it clear how this all happens, I propose a certain model. This is one very beautiful experiment from physics, formulated as the principle of communicating vessels. Let's remember him.
A common base is taken, a common tube, sealed at both ends, but other tubes of different thicknesses and shapes are soldered to it on top: thin, thick, spiral, etc., that is, a set of very different tubes.
When colored liquid is poured there, we look - and the liquid level is the same everywhere. And if we start taking this liquid drop by drop from some tube, then the level drops everywhere.
It's the same in the family. Every family has some level—I, as an Orthodox person, would say “level of grace.” But, we can say that with some level of joy...
- Some kind of warmth...
- Yes, perhaps warmth. And when one of the members of this family begins to sin, for example, the husband cheats, or the mother has an abortion, then the overall “level” drops, although one person sinned. And everyone suffers.
But just as the one who sins lowers general level, in the same way, just one person can increase the level of family joy and family warmth. Even if it's a child. And although he seems weak, if he tries not to fall under the general dull background, but tries to get out, he understands that he cannot do this on his own, help is needed here, but where can this help come from?
I remember that when I felt bad and didn’t have the strength to endure, I just came to the temple and sat down somewhere in a corner. Although in those Soviet times the young people who came to the temple were looked at rather askance. I didn’t confess at that time, didn’t take communion - I was just there. I came out of there in a completely different state and felt that the heaviness was beginning to recede. And, returning to the family, I felt that something was beginning to change and improve in the family.
On one site, a girl asked me a question about what she could do: her father cheated on her mother. And although this was hidden both from the children and from each other, the family situation became more and more painful.
I advised her, firstly, to pray for her parents, since they were in opposition to each other, and were not in the mood for any positive relationships. The girl wanted to help them, and her prayer could support them.
And secondly, lies are common in such situations. I advised her to talk honestly with dad. But to talk not about how badly he acts towards his mother - it is not the place of children to teach life to their parents - but to talk about how painful it is for her, her daughter, when she sees all this and is involuntarily drawn into his lies.
After discussing this issue, I had the feeling that the situation began to be resolved, because then gratitude came from her. Apparently, she followed the advice, and the situation in the family began to soften.
In this way, the child can help his parents with love and kindness. At this moment, children, although they seem so weak and infirm, must try to support their parents with love and honesty.
– What to do if one of the parents is in trouble: is seriously ill, has a craving for alcohol, drugs or slot machines ? This is very similar to the previous question, but maybe there are some nuances?
– Basically, it’s the same here. Why does a person reach for alcohol, drugs, slot machines? As a rule, this is associated with the semantic characteristics of life: for example, a person loses the meaning of life because he loses the love of loved ones or his favorite job.
I had such a case: a wife came with complaints that her husband, who was already about 50 years old, and who had previously been a church-going person, quite serious, very responsible, conscientious, suddenly not only became addicted to the Internet, but he could play on the Internet at night.
Wife, children - everyone was at a loss. And he had already lost so much authority in the family that the children began to make comments to him, for example, demanding that he wash the dishes, and even their small dog tried to bark at him and even bite him.
Along the way it turned out that he had lost interesting job, began to earn less from his wife and found such a neurotic outlet for himself - playing on the Internet. We began to talk about the reasons and find out who makes decisions in the family, who is responsible for what - it turned out that all decisions in the family are made by the wife. And then she suddenly said: “He has been suffering for a long time: he has an old mobile phone - we should do at least something for him.”
The next time she comes to me and tells me that they went somewhere together and bought a mobile phone. I ask: “Tell me, who paid for the mobile phone? Who took the money out of the wallet? And then she understood everything and said sadly: “Me!”
Again it didn’t turn out very nicely or correctly: wanting to please him, she paid for the purchase. And for the man, although this was a manifestation of love, it once again emphasized that it was not he, but she, who earned the money.
We began to look for situations with her that were really successful for him. For example, this: when they get into the car and drive to the country. At the dacha, especially in winter, he starts to light the stove, goes to get firewood, water, etc. - that is, he performs purely male work. And at this moment he somehow perks up, becomes himself - his old self, and their relationship improves. It turned out to be possible to return to the previous system of relationships - it was necessary to find these situations and consolidate them so that the person felt strength - and then continue to build new relationships.
We also talked with the children about such nuances - who takes money out of the wallet, who can make comments to whom, and in general, what is acceptable and what is unacceptable with a husband and father.
It happens that if the husband and father seem to be completely wrong about something, the mother and children rally against him. Then there is simply no way out for him: he really must either go into alcoholism, or into gambling, into drug addiction - yes, anywhere, into some other world, because in this world it is hard and bad for him. Then it is important that people are able to catch themselves by the hand, just like that wife who, having said: “I’m crying, I’m taking money out of my wallet,” suddenly realized something.
– Many wise books say that it is in your best interests to honor your parents and please them in everything. What to do when your parent is offended by you and you already feel something wrong in yourself - some kind of weakening, less grace... What to do in this case?
– It always seems to us that our parents are too strict with us, that our parents are unfair to us. If there are several children in a family, it always seems that one is loved more and the other less. And especially if we compare our family with another family, where the child is given more freedom, then it seems to us that there are wonderful parents, because they give so much freedom to their child, but why am I so unhappy, why do I live with such tyrant parents?
In fact, such things begin to be rethought when you have your own children. Sometimes it happens much earlier.
One adult said that in his childhood he often went to his grandfather in Odessa in the summer. And one day the boys decided to take a boat in the sea, took the boat and got ready to sail. And his grandfather sternly warned: “You must be home at 6 o’clock in the evening.” The time was already approaching 6 o'clock in the evening, he understood that he would not make it in time, so he did not get on that boat and the guys sailed away without him. A strong storm suddenly arose at sea, and those children died. That's when he suddenly understood what it meant to listen to elders. If he had not remembered his grandfather’s order, he would have swam with the boys and also died.
Thus, his obedience saved his life. I have already said that sometimes comprehension comes only when your own children appear. But for this man, comprehension occurred much earlier, after the tragic event, he then realized: “If I had not listened to my grandfather then, what would have happened?”
In fact, we should not approach life in such a way as to constantly compare ourselves and our supposedly difficult life with the very easy and pleasant, as it seems to us, life of our friends and acquaintances, but try to follow your own path and understand that if you you are following a path, which means you need it for some reason.
At the same time, we should learn to understand that all the restrictions that are given in this life are given for a reason; they, just as in the case of the dead guys, can protect us from many troubles. But the moment we receive this limitation and want to overcome it, and are angry that we have a barrier, we do not understand the meaning of this limitation. However, time passes - sometimes very short - and we begin to see the picture more clearly, we understand why it was and what it was for. Therefore, at a young age, you need to listen more carefully to your parents, mentors, and elders, and not try to do everything contrary to the advice of your parents, wise from their own experience.
With age, a person begins to understand that in life, especially at the beginning, the guidance of more experienced and wise people. And these are, first of all, parents who love us and know us well. And entering into a confrontational relationship with them - overt or hidden - will be very unhelpful for us. In our young years, we have a very small horizon and therefore cannot appreciate the danger of many of our decisions. This becomes obvious with age. We often find ourselves in difficult situations because we see a barrier and want to overcome it...
– What barrier?
– Parental prohibition. Why does this situation arise in the family? Due to constant disagreement with parents. I want one thing, another, a third. Parents say: “No, no, wait.” They put up some barriers. And these barriers do not always need to be overcome.
– Well, let’s say your parent is offended. What to do in this case? He is already dissatisfied with something about you, there is already some emotionality against you...
– Here we still need to think about the fact that our life is very difficult and very short. Unfortunately, our parents may have a shorter life than ours, so we need to have time to give them the warmth that they need. this moment can't get it anywhere else. Just like a child, hug a parent, kiss him, say a kind word to him, give in to him in something, do something kind for him - be like little children. Little children - you spank them, scold them, tell them sternly: “Don’t go there”, “Don’t do that”, and literally after 5 minutes they are already laughing, running back to their parents, caressing them. But when we are already 13, 15, 18 years old, try to spank us or tell us a stern word - we will pout, we will be offended, we will look from under our brows, we will be angry for several days - with age we lose our childish purity and joy. And when we develop such long-term resentment and malice, it greatly spoils our soul.
We need to get rid of touchiness, because in the future we will bring this habitual state of being offended into our own family, and we will try to build relationships with our husbands and wives on touchiness.
– On our dating site there is such a question in the profiles: « Who was the main person in your family?"? I observe that for women who cannot start a family, very often, almost in most cases, the mother was the main one. Perhaps this is one of the consequences of distortion, some kind of violation of love, when the mother is the main one in the family. Maybe the child is compensating for something, somehow minimizing the consequences of this abnormality for himself ?
– Of course, you can’t fix this on your own. Having come to Orthodoxy, I became convinced that without serious help, now I can say - without God’s help, this will not work out. Nowadays there is a lot of talk about systematic thinking - we are always trying to understand our place in the family, our place at work or at school, at the institute, our place in the state, our place in the world - these are all systems at different levels. When we come to Orthodoxy, we suddenly discover for ourselves the most, one might say, highest hierarchical system.
Without a spiritual, upper level, it is impossible to build family relationships: between me and my parents, between me and my children. Because there are very fine edges that, if slightly violated, result in some deformations, deviations from the norm.
You can have good, warm relationships with children, but at the same time do not lose the hierarchy, do not lose the multi-level structure, where parents are one level, and children are another, no matter what age they are. It is very important.
It’s common for us to receive love from above, we are used to receiving love and care from our parents, but often our parents, raised in a different environment, in a different world, they don’t know how to show us this love. They show it through severity, they show it through grumbling, they show it through some kind of intimidation. This is their form of showing love and care towards us. But when we come to the temple, we begin to feel what true love is. It is there that we can learn true love and begin to show it not only in relation to our children - in the direction usual for us, but we also learn to show it in relation to both strangers and our parents.
Then comes the understanding of who a parent is, the understanding of the finiteness of the path of each of us, including the parent, and the understanding that the love that we will not give him today, tomorrow we will not be able to give him, it will be too late. And then we will regret for the rest of our lives that we did not give it.
– If our parents didn’t give us love, but we must give it to them, how is it possible to do this from a psychological point of view?
– In fact, this is easy to do when you imagine this terrible situation. After all, nowhere do parents hear as many good things about themselves as they could hear at their own, excuse me, wake. This is always scary, and both I and you have seen that children quarreled and made scandals with their parents during their lifetime. But at the last moment, when their parents no longer hear them, how much worry goes on, how much pain comes from the fact that they didn’t say a kind word on time, didn’t kiss their mother or father on time; they didn’t support him in time, they simply didn’t cling to him in time while he lived in this world. And when he is no longer there, such belated repentance often occurs. But this moment can be experienced in advance, and based on that upcoming point of experience, relate to today - then everything becomes clear.
– I understand what you are talking about, but there are such difficult situations, there are a lot of them, very difficult, when you understand that you will regret later, but how can I tolerate my hostility towards my mother - she torments me? I understand everything that I will regret later. But I can’t, the pressure and aggression are so heavy. I know several people, my friends, who have such inappropriate behavior with their mothers that you cannot simply show love, because in order to show it you need to take it from somewhere. Where can I get it with such a relationship?
– Take it out of empathy. I probably still can’t get it across: the fact is that the child is the weakest link in the family. And through the child there is a channel for all the negativity that falls on our people, on adults. They can’t stand it, and all the negativity needs to be channeled somewhere. And, unfortunately, it turns out that children are often the channel through which all these negative emotions, all this anger that falls on parents, passes through children. Children, of course, are suffering creatures, and we must try to understand that no matter what kind of parents they are - it doesn’t matter whether they scold or scold - children love them anyway, even if they stop communicating, but children still love their parents.
It is necessary to do deeds of love. And pray for your parents.
It happens that simply unbearable relationships develop between parents and children. So unbearable that any contact - and the child immediately runs either to a psychologist or to his friends, he says that he cannot live anymore - he will leave the house, he will do something. Then it is better to end the relationship. It is clear that when people live in the same territory, the interruption of relations is simply mutual silence, sometimes one-sided. This is when mom or dad scolds, and you remain silent and pray. In this case, it is better for a person to remain silent and pray.
It happens that there is a complete pause in a relationship: although they do some common things, for example, baby is coming to the kitchen, eats what his mother prepared for him, takes the socks and shirt that his mother washed for him, but all in silence, because as soon as he opens his mouth, the conflict immediately begins again. However, against the backdrop of such a pause in communication and prayer, in the absence of external resistance, the situation is slowly beginning to improve. A pause in communication often helps solve some problems. But not just a pause, a pause can also be different. There may be a pause with the following internal attitude: “You bad parent, bad father or mother, you quarrel with your neighbors, you quarrel with each other, well, you quarrel with me, you are generally such bad people, and I am so poor and unhappy.”
This is an evaluative, arrogant and judgmental attitude towards parents. If there is a pause with such an attitude, then no good will come, that’s for sure. And if this pause is on another relationship, for example, on this: “Suppose my parents have conflicts, but I can’t resist the way I behave at school, I’m even worse, and I understand that It’s actually very difficult to resist when my response is coming.”
When you begin to beat yourself up like this and not respond word for word, and most importantly, pray for your dad and mom, then the conflict begins to soften. Before the next conflict, some kind of relationship begins, then again a collapse, and again a pause. If you follow the right path, then these pauses are reduced, and the periods of more or less adequate relationships increase.
– I see many situations on our sites when a mother tries to hold her child, who is really ready to commit suicide.
– In childhood, we begin to have conflicts with our parents and continue into adulthood, but then our parents grow old and it seems to us that the same conflicts continue, become more acute, and on the part of our parents more and more frequent and inadequate. What is this connected with?
There is an interesting picture here - there is a feeling that, just as they made trouble in childhood, they make trouble in old age, but the internal state is different, the mechanisms are completely different. And this also needs to be understood: what is behind this at each specific moment? In your younger years, what is behind this is that they really wish you well, but when you are already a mature person, you are, say, 30, and your parent is, say, 60, then behind this is something completely different. For example, the desire to keep you.
There is such a thing as a “stuck personality”. This can be said, for example, about young actors, for example, an actress is already 80 years old, and she has the outfits of an eighteen-year-old girl, or a thirty-year-old girl, and makeup appropriate for this age, and behavior, and antics, but we see inadequacy. All the same, no matter how hard she tries to stay at that age, we still see the difference. The same is true in our interpersonal relationships, in our relationships within the family. Parents get stuck in the state when you were a child and they were adults, and even finding themselves in a completely different position - in a weak position, dependent on you, they continue to implement these already established behavioral stereotypes. So this is not a very adequate picture. Although for us it seems like a continuation of the same conflict that began in childhood.
– Let's take one of the special cases close to, I think, to what you said. Single mother and son. Mama's boy in the probable future. How can he build a relationship with his mother and build his life in general?so as not to be so childish and not have problems in your personal life?
– How old is your son? How old is mom?
– Well, let's say he reads our articlewhen he is 15 years old. To mom, let's say, 35-40 years old. How can he build his relationship with his mother and how can he build his life in order to stop being infantile, to turn from this line of infantility towards normal sexual orientation and then normal relationships with women.
– He, of course, needs to understand that life is single-parent family– this is always a distortion. And then, naturally, we must try to make up for it in an adequate way– It is advisable to find yourself a good mentor. This could be a favorite teacher, it could be some Uncle Sasha in the garage, who gathers the yard boys around him and they tinker with cars and equipment.
- In my opinion, it’s not often in life that there are such Uncle Sashas.
- Well, why - at dachas all the time. Nowadays, a lot of people go to the countryside, to the countryside, and so on for the summer. And there you can’t do without handy men; there are men there who know how to do everything and approach life sensibly. In fact, boys are looking for people like that, they are looking for someone to make their life out of.
Where did the fan movements come from? Teenagers find what they think is a bright leader and begin to imitate his behavior. But it would be better if they found a real leader - a strong, interesting and courageous person.
– It seems to me that the lack of a purely male example- This, Certainly, a problem, but maybe, not even the main problem. the main problem in that the mother involves her son in a relationship where she acts as a woman, and he acts as a man - psychological roles.
– This is happening more and more often. The mother consults with her son the same way she would consult with her husband; she begins to consult with her small child and make decisions depending on what her son says. Consequently, the mother shifts all responsibility for family decisions to her son, who is inexperienced in life. But it seems to her that by doing this she is raising him to be a man, but in fact the child unconsciously either chooses the solution option that is close to the mother - tunes in to the mother, and in fact it is not his decision, but the mother’s voiced decision, or chooses the solution “ exactly the opposite."
Given the lack of male education, single mothers try to find priests who have a certain set of qualities: attentiveness, kindness, ability to communicate with children, severity, etc. - and try to take their children to these priests more often, so that through communication with the priest the child can make up for the lack of male communication. This is now a widespread phenomenon.
– Sometimes children have thoughts of suicide because of their relationship with their parents.
– Sometimes a child says that he wants to commit suicide. This is because he has the illusion that if he takes a terrible step, he himself will stand from the sidelines and watch how his mother, who greatly offended him, is doing, and how his father will be upset. It seems to him that he will punish them greatly with this. But he does not understand that, firstly, he will not see this punishment, and secondly, he will not be able to return this situation back, replay it, that it is irreversible and truly scary.
This frivolous attitude towards death is now getting worse, because when playing computer games, children in the game can have an unlimited number of lives, and after the next loss they have the opportunity to start life over again. Children do not always remember that this is only in the game, but in real life death is irreversible. Therefore, they do not understand the horror of this moment.
In addition, when we were growing up, and when someone died, he stayed in the house for some time, two or three days, and everyone around him, including children, knew what happened and came in to say goodbye and sympathize with the relatives . And the children, when they saw the dead child, were horrified. But now it’s different, now many children are dying, but we don’t see it, because they are taken to the morgue, and then straight to the cemetery.
Modern parents lack warmth towards their children, and children lack warmth towards their parents. Children often go into conflicts in order to feel that their parents love them, they respond to them, and demonstration of suicide is the extreme point of child-parent conflict. Always, when it comes to conflict, the child sees - yes, there is love, it’s worth doing something - and mom runs to negotiate, mom cries, and when I die, she’ll cry for tyrannizing me. But the child does not understand that he will never return from there and will not see anything. In this case, the child again comes from a place of unlove, from an evil point. Now, if he loved his mother, he would not have created such a situation - I will die, and let it be bad for them.
You can advise these children: when the thoughts come to you again that you need to leave this life, imagine a more realistic situation for yourself - that someday your parents will leave this life. And look at what is in your soul - this will tell you how to act, how to relate to your parents. Not “what will happen when I die,” but “what will happen when my parents die.”
And then we will understand that now, as long as we are together, we are happy, although we don’t always understand it. Then we will understand that happiness is very fragile and short-lived. Let us remember the words of the wise storyteller H.H. Andersen: “Everything in the world comes to an end!” There will be an end to our grievances and tears.
But there will be no end to parental love. Therefore, our task is to understand them and accept them as they are, to come to terms with them, otherwise it will be very difficult to talk about any well-being in life.
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HOW TO AVOID CONFLICT WITH PARENTS?
You gain experience and shape your behavior as adults. This is not always realized by parents who protect and control you and still consider you children. Then you begin to show resistance to previously fulfilled demands, more actively defend your rights to independence, react painfully to real or apparent infringements of your rights, and try to limit the claims of adults in relation to yourself.
In turn, faced with manifestations of laziness, dishonesty, and low motivation to continue education, parents become disappointed, and a “streak of conflicts” begins. Conflict also arises due to the assertion of your “adultness”: you begin to stay late, dress differently, and often become rude. To master new system In a relationship, understanding and patience on both sides are important. Thus, identifying problems associated with emerging conflicts is very significant for both parents and you.
Reasons that encourage parents to enter into conflicts with children | causes of conflict between teenagers and parents |
The struggle for power and parental authority | Opposition to this government |
Disconfirmation of hopes and expectations | Requirement for independence |
Reluctance to acknowledge your independence and “adulthood” | Low academic performance |
Lack of faith in your strength | Establishing oneself in the eyes of peers and authoritative people |
Frequent quarrels between parents | A son or daughter supports one of the parents. |
Some psychologists are inclined to believe that anger, which is a motivator of conflicts, needs to be “released” and expressed to each other in verbal form. They argue that from a physiological point of view it is harmful to suppress, to try to hold back any strong feeling or experience. If a person pushes a feeling of anger deep down, it may be unsafe for the human psyche. However (and this is even said in one of the biblical commandments) there is no need to rush into its manifestation.
We offer ways to suppress anger and emerging aggression:
· Explain the nature and reasons for your negative emotions to a third party who is known for his ability to understand other people, that is, someone who could give you advice and correct your actions.
· Treat the person who has irritated you with their behavior with understanding. Try to put yourself in his place and feel his experiences.
· Try to understand the motive behind the person's behavior.
· It's difficult, but try responding with kindness to someone's hostility.
Conflict can have both creative and destructive powers. If the conflict is resolved incorrectly, hostility towards each other arises, the psyche is traumatized, the merits of its participants are hushed up and the shortcomings of its participants are exaggerated. As a result, conflict can cause serious mental trauma. It can stay with a person for the rest of his life and even change it for the worse.
Be careful not to hurt with words, to humiliate, to offend, or not to understand. Be courageous and wiser. Be able to put yourself in the shoes of your parents and understand what they are going through now, during the conflict with you. Great importance For normal conflict resolution, your ability to listen to them carefully is essential.
TECHNIQUES FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING IN CONFLICT
· Give parents a chance to speak.
· Focus on what they are saying, do not interfere with their speech with your remarks.
· Don't get distracted, conquer what prevents you from focusing.
· Show your parents that you understand them.
· try to work with them to determine what needs to be done. It is better if these are “step-by-step” actions (firstly, secondly, etc.).
We have seen that your conflicts with your parents may have reasons, many of which are predictable. For example, you know for sure that you will upset your parents if you arrive late. But there is nothing easier than calling. So do it! Pay attention to your manner of communication. Maybe we should work on it so that it does not become a reason for parental anger or irritation. Conflict also arises when the demand placed on you is unfair or impossible to meet. So try to come to an agreement! Do you think that in life everyone will do nothing but agree with you and assent?
We are confident that your love for your parents and the new knowledge that you received today on conflict resolution will be enough to resist the temptation to be rude, quarrel, or slam the door.
