Everything you need to know to finally understand your true desires. The results may surprise and even shock you.
How to understand what I really want? How do I know what kind of life I want to live? Today people are increasingly asking themselves these questions. And there are good reasons for this. Right?
Again, briefly: these are the people who behave like scanners - jumping from fifth to tenth - but in reality they are just trying to drown out boredom.
Real scanners are interested in many things at once, and they want everything at once. False scanners are jumping around the top, just to occupy their restless minds with something.
From all this fuss in our heads modern people There was a fear of not being able to do anything, or of making a mistake in making a choice.
How can you do one specific thing when there is such temptation around? How to understand what you want? What if you choose the wrong thing? What if you remain unclaimed? Maybe it would have been better to go to another institute? Or maybe that guy at the next table in the restaurant has better food? What is better to choose - a used iPhone or a new Galaxy? What if my boyfriend is not my real soulmate? What I want? Etc.
To stop the madly spinning world, you need to get off this carousel and just stand on the sidelines for a while to come to your senses. Some, unfortunately, do it too radically.
But you don’t have to turn off the switch completely, but just switch to neutral mode. You know as well as I do what we’re talking about - of course!
No need to wrinkle your nose, like we swam - we know. Usually this is done by those who tried several times, got nowhere and abandoned the practice to hell.
Meditation is not a Viagra pill that gives an immediate reaction. You have to work at it and sometimes for long enough to feel a noticeable effect.
Judge for yourself, a person has been accumulating confusion in his thoughts and desires for years. And then some kind of half-educated plumber came with only a plunger in his hand and tried to clear all this clog at one time. Will he succeed? That's the same thing.
Therefore, you need to calm your racing mind, and a better practice than meditation has not yet been invented for this.
By the way, a very successful way to meditate is to focus on the phrase “I want to know what I want.” It not only stops the flow of different thoughts, but also relieves some of the tension and guilt that arise from the fact that we sometimes don’t know what we want.
Don't know what you want? Well, load your subconscious with this question and let it figure it out on its own. And the answer may emerge after a while and most often unexpectedly.
Just don’t need to wait for him on purpose and, especially, be upset if he doesn’t come. Just keep practicing next time. And again and again... That's how it works.
If you are constantly looking for novelty, trying to escape from fear and boredom, then a peculiar a piggy bank of ideas. Barbara Sher also talked about this in her book.
The trick is actually very simple, but effective. You simply take on one specific task (a dish in a restaurant, a partner, a used iPhone, and the list goes on) and work on it until you get a specific result.
And as soon as the alarm bell rings in your head and the desire to switch to something else appears, then you realize this other thing, write it down on a piece of paper and throw it into a special box of ideas. You can just write it down in a notepad and not bother with the box.
The point of the action is that you do not accumulate ideas in your head, where they are already too crowded, but give them a real embodiment, a path, even just on paper. This way you literally “blow off steam” and significantly reduce internal tension.
This tension arises precisely from the fact that we are always afraid that we will not have time to do something important, we are afraid of missing out on this important thing, and therefore we rush between things, trying to catch them all.
By writing everything down on a piece of paper, we not only provide relief nervous tension, but we also become more confident that we won’t forget anything now and we can continue to work calmly.
Fear is an inclination of the soul that convinces it that a desire will not come true.
Rene Descartes
By the way, Barbara also advises writing down on pieces of paper all the anxieties, fears, bad feelings and thoughts that arise on any occasion. You can keep a separate box or notebook for them.
This allows you to safely discharge all the negativity that has been stuck in your head for a long time and firmly. Consider it a freebie, but very effective psychotherapy. Then you can burn this notebook. Try it! Very inspiring:)
For those who do not want to study and spend a lot of time on one thing
This is me! Yes. Since childhood, I don’t like to spend a long time doing one thing and studying all its intricacies. This is probably all because of the neighbor Aunt Nina, may she rest in heaven. She kept saying: Igor is our professor!
And at school I was frankly bored. After all, I’m a professor and I know everything, leave me alone, everyone.
I remember that even in my favorite radio circle, I almost never completed the assembly of any circuit to completion. I liked starting work, but finishing it was wow.
By the way, I also changed a lot of different circles and sections in my childhood.
This is also a certain type of unfortunate diver, or false scanner. It comes from the inability to learn. This is when in childhood you were either overly praised, or everything was very easy for you at first, and therefore there was an illusion that it would continue to be so.
But as soon as the first difficulties appeared, fear and uncertainty arose, and therefore it was easier to quit this business and do something new.
Only one can help here patience. Patience that will overcome disappointment over time.
After all, this is what we are really afraid of - disappointment. What if it doesn’t work out, what if something goes wrong, what if they don’t praise me, but on the contrary, they will mock me, what if I miss something important while I’m busy with something else, and in old age there will be only regret and nothing more?
Patience is a difficult thing. You can't get it by force. You can’t force yourself to just endure it and that’s it. This is masochism. You need to find something interesting in it that can captivate and smooth out the bitter aftertaste. And curiosity can become such an interest.
He who is able to endure is able to achieve whatever he wants.
Benjamin Franklin
What usually scares you the most when you are afraid of being disappointed? That's right - ignorance. You don’t know what you will get as a result and you are afraid of failure in advance.
But what if you turn on curiosity and aim not at a positive result, but at the result in general?
That is, show interest in the process, and not the result as such. Just take it and tell yourself: I don’t care that I may not really achieve anything, but at least I’ll try to bring this matter to the end and see what the hell comes out of it all.
Thus, shift the emphasis. When you are not bothered by the result, but do something for the sake of the process itself (even if at first it doesn’t bother you at all), then gradually and imperceptibly you get involved and begin to notice things that you had never even thought about before.
This can also be called meditation. After all, in essence, this is what she is. And the most important thing is that over time you start to like it. Process for the sake of process and nothing more.
Have you heard about Flow? This is exactly what it is when you focus all your attention on the process, even if you’re just picking your nose. Many find the meaning of life in this.
Not picking your nose, of course! And in the feeling of the Flow. When you are in it, you absolutely don’t give a damn what exactly you are doing.
So Buddhist monks spend their whole lives leisurely swinging a hoe in their garden or sweeping the yard and at the same time are happy, like a hundred Buddhas.
This is how the writer composes his verses and watches how the lines fall on paper and create a new Universe.
So parents watch the growth of their offspring and rejoice simply because they exist.
But how much patience you need to apply to all this! There is no way to do this without the necessary interest.
Interest is what helps you cope with all difficulties.
I wish you to find your interest in life. Good luck! And subscribe to our channel on Telegram.
Do you already know what you really want? Write in the comments and tell us how you found your true desires.
We watch movies and video blogs, scroll through social media feeds, and communicate with friends and relatives. And the more intense the information noise around us, the more difficult it is to separate where our true dreams are and where those are imposed by others. But sooner or later this will have to be done. Because trying to realize “other people’s” desires, we ignore our own.
Find and neutralize
Even when you yourself don’t understand what you are striving for, you often clearly know what others expect from you. Their settings can be either an invaluable clue or a broken compass. To begin with, it is important to understand what came into your life “from outside”. Describe how your mom/dad/sister/boss and others wanted you to be. What did they advise you? What future did they predict? And How? Are you meeting their expectations? Maybe you're wasting your time to satisfy someone else's needs? After all, if the list of their expectations and wishes does not include the realization of your unique potential, it means that you were not pursuing your goals. Now imagine that everyone suddenly lags behind you. Relatives no longer ask when you will finally get married / ask for a promotion / get a second degree and so on. Will you still want it? Or will you realize that deep down your dreams lie in a completely different area?
Explore yourself
Imposed judgments live in us, even if we are not aware of it. We usually forget how and when we received this or that installation. A self-observation game will help you remember this. Its essence is simple: divide the pages of your notebook into three columns. In the first one, add facts that you notice about yourself, for example: “I only wear long skirts,” “I always dye my hair blond,” “I buy a certain type of coffee,” and so on. And in the second column, try to answer why you do this? Did you spy on a star or your parents? Do you like it yourself? Or “that’s the way it is”? “You can distinguish social attitudes by marker words: “obligated,” “should,” “needed,” says life coach Anna Rykova. “Try to pass them through the formula ‘I want, I can, I choose’.” For example, rewrite the phrase “I work because I have to” as “I don’t want to work.” I may not work. But I prefer to work to save up for trip around the world" Then it will become your conscious choice. In the third column, answer whether the imposed rule brings any bonuses (comfort, pleasure, money...)? If not, feel free to cut him out of your life.
Authentication
It is important to understand what is behind your motivation, what value or need. For example, you want sweets because you need to reward yourself or relax. But there is more than one way to satisfy your needs. And you can recognize their essence using the method of sequential questions. For example, you don’t know whether to give birth or not. Ask yourself why you need a child. Because “it’s time”? Because later you will regret that you didn’t give birth? Is this what your mom wants? Gradually eliminating unsuitable options, “peeling off the husks,” you will get to the true need. This is, for example, the mother's approval. Business coach Anna Gurevich calls this the “onion method.” Or, let’s say you’re unsure whether to break up with a man who doesn’t behave very respectfully. Ask the question: what does this novel mean to you? What is it for? What happens if you break up? As a result, two values will end up on the scales: relationships and self-esteem.
Don't put it off until tomorrow
You can determine your priorities using the simple “I always wanted” technique. Write a list of 100 things you dream of doing in life: run a marathon, get on the cover of a magazine, visit Tibet, etc. “It’s easy to write 30 paragraphs, but then stupor arises,” says Mikhail Moskotin, business coach at Business Relations. “The main thing in this matter is not to give up.” After writing everything a hundred, ask yourself a question: if I had five years left to live, which of these points would I implement? Circle the most important thing - this is how your real desires will appear.”
Turn off your head
Our mind may have millions of possible answers to a question, but it is difficult to determine which one is correct. “We think that we make decisions with our heads, but in reality, when we're talking about about intentions, about the future, we don’t know what is really good for us,” says existential psychologist Vita Kholmogorova. “In fact, the choice is made not by consciousness, but by our subconscious, so when we are trying to find out “What do I really want?”, it is important not to turn on, but, on the contrary, turn off the brain and listen to the feelings.” Meditation techniques will help you achieve this. Relax, close your eyes, concentrate on your breathing and ask yourself: “What will happen if what I want actually happens?” In this inner silence you must face the sensation that arises. And if this is lightness, warmth, joy, then we are talking about a dream, the fulfillment of which will make you truly happy.
Duality of desires (simultaneous coexistence in us of opposite – ambivalent – desires).
- This is the norm.
People are not robots. They behave contradictory. Evil, hurtful words (thoughts) and sincere affection, love towards the same person (watch yourself!). An absolutely sincere promise and the circumstances that “just so happen” that the promise is not fulfilled.
No matter how we view this from a moral point of view, inconsistency of desires is a reality that is characteristic of all people. Ignoring it is like ignoring the fact that the pan is hot. And you will get burned, and the cause of the burn is you, and not the frying pan.
- As a rule, if you want something, you also have the opposite desire.
I want to sleep, how much I sleep - I want a stable job, salary and prospects
I want a strong man - I want freedom
I want the child to be healthy - I want him to need me and for us to be closer
I want to spend money right now - I want to save it.
I want to tell a lie - I want to respect myself for my honesty (or not be afraid of being exposed).
I want to be only with him (her)! - What, there will be no one else in my life?
I want to repay my debt! - I want to keep it for myself!
I want to be slimmer - I want to eat whatever and as much as I want (or - calm down, or...)
- It can be realized. Or (especially if it is considered bad, unacceptable) not allowed into consciousness. Regardless of this, it influences actions.
Always, if you want something, look for the opposite desire. You will find it.
I want to be rich - I want... no, there is no poverty... - DON’T TENSIFY! :) (This is 100%).
I want to be happy! – I want to be taken care of all my life, like a baby... and for this, everything will somehow not work out for me... well, feel sorry for me!!!
I want to be healthy! – See above (“I’m the sickest person in the world! Don’t you have another jar of jam?!”).
I want a reliable (i.e. predictable:)) person next to me - I want it to not be boring...
- When we do not recognize the existence of some of our desires because we consider them “bad,” we lose control over them (we are not aware).
And then we consciously do one thing, and unconsciously the exact opposite. Classic: do homework with the TV on (I want to concentrate - I want to relax).
Or: in the prime of life, work hard, but for a small salary (I want to earn money - I want to avoid responsibility, change and associated risks). Here I do not mean a conscious choice related to vocation, family interests, etc.
Or - a person who does not admit the thought that he likes to be AND cruel (“I want only the best for my child!”) may not realize (and not control!!!) the obvious excessiveness of his aggression with help in doing homework or in other educational situations.
A fighter for morality who pursues debauchery, heading the committee to combat pornography and by the sweat of his brow 8 hours a day is forced to:) watch erotic films and magazines.
In a word, either 1) what we REALLY want more happens anyway (but at the same time we do not manage our lives, and often we are not even aware of what we are really doing),
or 2) “press on the gas and brake at the same time”! As a result, neither one nor the other desire is actually realized, and the relationship “breaks”.
- There is no point in scolding or condemning yourself for your desires. They are all human, inherent in all people. Any desire “wants” something good and important for you.
Cruelty - to ACHIEVE, laziness - to protect from overload, meanness - to achieve important goal AT ANY cost (politicians also call this “pragmatism” :)).
This is not at all about “justifying” yourself for everything.
Exactly the opposite.
An adult treats all his desires with attention and respect. Playing war with yourself is stupid and destructive.
An adult, respecting all his desires, CHOOSE.
- As a rule, there is no ideal choice. Any choice necessarily entails some “pros” and some “cons”. RESPONSIBILITY means not “blaming” the negative consequences of your choices on anyone.
Do not look for those to blame, do not refer to circumstances, but deal with the consequences. Analyzing the reasons to make the next choice better.
GUILT is always a search for “who is bad?”
RESPONSIBILITY is the question “what to do in this situation?”
So, a mature person KNOWS that both he and those around him have CONFLICTING DESIRE.
He is NOT AFRAID of any desires, treating them carefully and with respect.
If possible, he consciously CHOOSE which of the conflicting desires to follow. Simply because an informed choice is often a smart one. And the habit of following a conscious choice allows you to more accurately achieve your goals (Genghis Khan’s principle: “If you are afraid, don’t do it; if you do, don’t be afraid!”). This is freedom.
A teenager often acts “FREELY”, but deals with the consequences MOM. This is called: “TEENAGE COMPLEX”: I don’t owe anyone anything, but you, of course, owe me! :)
FREEDOM is where RESPONSIBILITY is: understanding the inevitability of the negative consequences of any choice and the willingness to face them. Without blaming anyone (including yourself), analyzing and drawing conclusions. Perhaps by seeking support, but by INDEPENDENTLY resolving the negative consequences of your choices.
INDEPENDENCE – FREEDOM to make CHOICES, i.e. make unobvious decisions and bear RESPONSIBILITY for their consequences.
We expect the baby to be obedient. We expect adults to be independent. A person cannot be obedient and independent at the same time.
Oh, as one smart client told me quite unexpectedly at this point in the conversation in his Serious Office: so you are talking against the state. I had to agree with him: well... perhaps this is objectively against what is pouring out of our state TV... - About freedom, but about responsibility...
You've probably already heard the idea somewhere that one of the components of a person's happiness is his favorite activity. There is another rather interesting saying that if you are doing what you love, which in addition to pleasure also brings income, then you will not need to work at all.
And for what reason did you even start thinking about how to understand what I want?
Are you so at odds with yourself that you don’t even know what activity brings you real pleasure?
Or maybe the reason is not this, but that you are simply afraid to do what you like?
Maybe we are afraid of other people's opinions, criticism and condemnation of others?
It seems to me that first you should answer these questions and only then start thinking about how to understand your desires!
Answer #1: Ease!
There are some interesting thoughts from practicing psychologists on this topic. One of them says that A goal in life or an activity you enjoy must not be sought, but suffered through. At the beginning of any activity or path to a goal it will be quite difficult, but as you gain experience and the necessary knowledge in the industry or direction you are working on, ease will appear, which will bring a lot of pleasure in your future activities.
Here is one of interesting ways about how to understand what I want. The method is based on the fact that during the day, and especially in the evening, the mind is not able to objectively evaluate information due to overload or elementary fatigue. Take a piece of paper and a pen and Before bed, write down all the things you like to do., whatever you like to do. In the morning, as soon as you wake up, take this note and start crossing out items until only one remains. This recording will be what you want to do, what you really want. A decision made early in the morning, when the mind is still fresh, clear and not cluttered with stupid thoughts, is the most true. Not in vain folk wisdom says that the morning is wiser than the evening!
Answer #2: Just action!
There is no problem in understanding what I want, the only problem is in deciding to do at least something that I like...
The idea in the quote is very similar to the opinion of the psychologist about the cat he wrote above. It doesn’t matter what you do, do at least something that you like, the main thing is not to be afraid to take action. Choose the industry that interests you most, choose a direction and start acting, don't think about obstacles and difficulties. In absolutely any business or activity they will be, and they will be equally difficult. It may not even be your favorite activity that scares you, but rather the future difficulties that you will encounter. There's no point in even thinking about them. By overcoming all obstacles on the way to any goal you choose, you you will find that force, which will give you ease and professionalism, which will become a source of great pleasure and happiness in life. Imagine yourself to be an impeccable professional in whatever you like, how easily you cope with the tasks assigned to you, and how you get pleasure and reward from it accordingly. But first you have to go through a path of work, without which, no matter what you undertake, you will not get success and pleasure!
Answer #3: Learning new things
So why do you need to know what you want?
You, like any other person, want to be happy, enjoy life, want recognition from the people around you, be accepted by society, etc. All these are natural psychological needs of a person, the root cause of which is a feeling of satisfaction, inner comfort and peace of mind. Everything revolves around pleasure. We are some kind of emotional addicts who are constantly in search of a drug called pleasure. All these are hormones and this is how humans are designed. Some people find satisfaction inside, while others find satisfaction outside through chemicals. narcotic substances, such as tobacco, alcohol and even heavier...
So where is find the source this pleasure, which we all need so much, how do I know what I want?
Let's go back to childhood, the happiest period of a person's life. Why are we so happy and satisfied as children? For the reason that in childhood a person constantly learns new things. Exactly learning something new brings us a true sense of inner satisfaction. All the good things that happen to us for the first time leave an indelible mark on our subconscious. Remember your first love, your first trip abroad, your first sex, your first professional success, etc. The second time a similar situation will not bring as much pleasure as the first time, and all subsequent cases will only dull this feeling until it disappears altogether. This is precisely the reason why we I don't like doing monotonous work, which does not require at all creative thinking and self-development. This is where the feeling of laziness arises, which works as a defense mechanism against useless pastime. Mechanical labor kills us from the inside. Hence illnesses as a consequence of internal dissatisfaction.
Developing, learning new things, immersing yourself in knowledge, constantly exploring and thinking creatively is what we really want. And it’s not so important in what area you will do this, the important thing is to overcome your fear and plunge into the unknown and start acting right now!
Dear readers, how do you like the article? Do you agree with the above? Perhaps you want to add something of your own?
Everything goes on as usual: the plot is familiar, the roles are clear, frame follows frame. But at some stage main character will definitely ask: “What do I want from life? Is this my role? Am I really happy? Such questions can change your whole life, and the search for answers can provide an invaluable experience. You can start right now by learning about the 6 steps that lead to success. But first, it is advisable to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of an “undefined” condition.
Signs that a person doesn’t know what he really wants:
- Questions: “What should we order for breakfast?”, “Latte or Americano?”, “By the subway or on foot?” They make you hesitate, changing your decisions several times in 1 minute.
- There is a strong desire to go somewhere (to the cinema, for example), but as soon as the film starts, the person realizes that he does not want to watch it.
- Feelings of emptiness or emptiness periodically roll in, leading to.
- There is no need to do anything, to move in the usual rhythm.
- Sometimes you get the impression that you are watching yourself from the outside.
- Any pressure to solve something leads to a “dead end” and causes irritation.
Now let's move on to solutions.
1. Where is “I” here?
Caring parents are accustomed to “knowing for themselves what is best.” They strive to solve all problematic issues for their children, to protect them from “ negative influence» the outside world or financial difficulties. That is why the issue is decided not by graduates, but by their experienced loved ones. “You’ll become a lawyer,” says the knowledgeable father. “Teaching is a prestigious and stable job,” the grandmother intervenes. “Replace me in the accounting department, the place is already heated,” mom turns on.
So it turns out that a talented artist, who could become a high-class designer in the future, succumbs to the persuasion of adults. He enters an unloved department, gets a job he doesn’t like, and doesn’t live his life. But it can happen at any second. The main thing is to discard what is imposed by someone from the outside. The questions arise: “Where is the real me in all this?” and “What do I want from life?” is not only a sign of maturity, but also a motivating pill for personal growth.
2. Create a dossier on yourself.
Devoting a lot of time to work, problems of loved ones or posts of other people in in social networks, we completely forget about ourselves. It's not about appearance or entertainment, but about knowing yourself. Modern life It’s like a race where, in a hurry to “get everything done,” you lose the main thing – understanding what you really want from life. A dossier compiled in a frank conversation with yourself will help you find it. To do this, you need to remember what you liked to do as a child, what you have an inclination towards, is it buried in the ground?
Children's photographs, diplomas or awards once received, as well as psychological research. There are many on the Internet that help you know yourself better, drawing attention to qualities that may have remained in the shadows. It may be beneficial to communicate with psychologists, attend master classes or participate in webinars aimed at studying personality.
3. What is written with a pen...
Thoughts and conversations are one thing, but writing on a piece of paper is a responsible step. Perhaps such a statement sounds humorous, but as soon as a person picks up a pen, he is immediately struck with a “stupor.” In order to write the first line you need to at least concentrate, gather, concentrate. At this stage, it is advisable to perform several exercises.
- Write about your dreams and desires. The more specifically they are formulated, the easier the subsequent work will be.
- Continue the sentences: “I want...”, “I don’t want...”. This can be anything, but it is advisable that the total number of proposals does not exceed 14 positions.
- Now it's time to become Aladdin, who was lucky enough to find a magic lamp with the Genie. And then - everything is as in famous story: The genie is only willing to grant three wishes. C'mon, you can't change your mind! Having thoroughly re-read and thought through all the points, we can safely identify three main “wants”. Even fairy tale hero will forget about them, there will now be guidelines for what to strive for.
4. Looking to the future.
Many young people are accustomed to living for today, forgetting to ask themselves: “what to achieve in life?” But in vain. After all, it is this dialogue that determines the course of movement, the level of work on oneself, and much more. To understand which direction to head, it’s enough to draw (it doesn’t matter verbally or in writing) yourself in 10, 20 and 30 years.
If your imagination has created, for example, a positive image of a successful doctor driving his own car, then most likely you should try to get a quality education and good practice. But if the doctor’s silhouette seems unhappy, irritated or tired, then perhaps the path was chosen incorrectly?
A person from the future simply must be smiling and happy, otherwise everything makes no sense.
You can figure out what I want to do and what I want to do through trial and error. There are many different ways in the world to try something radically new. Possibly sewing purses, filming documentaries or blogging will be an ideal activity. Didn't you eat? This means that the experience gained will show the direction in which you definitely do not need to move. After all, understanding what I don’t want skillfully separates the wheat from the chaff.
